Key lime pie is my favorite pie.
First, I know there are lots of places and ways to get this pie. Plenty of bakeries, restaurants and markets regularly carry it. You can even get a halfway decent version in the supermarket freezer section. It’s not difficult to make yourself.
But this story is not really about the pie.
If you go into this story thinking it’s about the pie, you’ll miss the point of what I’m trying to share with you and ask, “wtf, Elizabeth, why didn’t you just buy a different damn pie or make one yourself?” which was the mistake I made in this situation and an important point I’m going to circle back to in a moment.
Let’s talk about my birthday, which falls on New Years Eve. For my birthday dessert I wanted key lime pie.
My man already knows that my absolute favorite key lime pie is from Publix supermarket in Florida. We were not in Florida or anywhere near a Publix. And that was totally fine– I genuinely felt that any decent version would do.
He said he knew of a good one from a different local market and wanted to get that for me. That sounded perfect, so we naively set off to get the pie– expecting the whole process to take 15 minutes or less.
After coming up empty at the first few stores, I started to think I’d just make the pie myself so we could stop roaming around the city, caught up in searching for anything during a damn pandemic.
Plus, I was growing skeptical that ANY supermarket would have this particular pie in December anywhere other than the freezer section, which I would definitely have settled for at this point.
I questioned him. “Are you sure they’re doing key lime this time of year?”
“Yes, I JUST had one right before Christmas” he said, even more determined.
“Okay, I mean, I could just make one,” I said.
He simply nodded, set his jaw and drove us to the next market. I settled in for an adventure.
After the first seven stores, he found something called a key lime meringue. It was not actually a key lime pie or the one he wanted to share with me. He held it up and looked hopeful.
It wasn’t THE pie, but it was A pie. I don’t care for meringue and told him so, but was also genuinely willing to try it.
“We’re going to get this and then keep looking so we at least have something,” he told me earnestly.
“Great, maybe we go home, try it first and then if it’s not right, we keep looking?” I asked, touched by his determination to get this right.
We went home and started having cocktails. He brought me a slice of the key lime meringue thing, tilted his head and waited for me to take a bite.
It was not good and he saw it immediately, written all over my face. Not wanting to be a jerk about the whole thing, I told him to try it since I knew he would also hate it.
He agreed it was awful and took my plate from me. Then he made popcorn, which I had mentioned wanting at some point.
We celebrated New Years Eve and I woke up the next morning, pleased to have narrowly avoided a hangover.
I rolled over, cuddled up to him and noticed he was awake and already on his phone. The determined look he had during yesterday’s supermarket sweep was back.
“Good morning handsome,” I said.
“So… there’s a few markets we haven’t tried,” he said, referring to the pie.
Since he was already Googling where to go and I doubted whether this specific pie actually existed, I started looking up key lime pie recipes to make. I announced I had found a good one.
“This one looks super easy,” I said.
“So, that’s what we’re doing, then?” he asked, pointedly.
I had hit a nerve. This was NOT about the pie.
After a few more minutes of research, he told me that he had located the pie FOR SURE at a market we hadn’t visited. He got out of bed and asked if I wanted to go with him to look for the pie.
I made the mistake of telling him I doubted they had it, which did not improve the situation.
The car ride was not enjoyable– to the point where I wondered what had gotten into him. I didn’t understand yet that the conversation we just had about making the pie myself had anything to do with the tension.
Each time we spoke, it seemed as though the conversation was needlessly contrary. I fell silent, disappointed and uncertain about how to turn things around.
After a short drive, he beelined to the bakery section, found the exact and correct pie and handed it to me with a triumphant smile.
Normally, he would just carry it himself. But the way he presented it to me communicated, “I’ve finally won. Not against you, but the world that seems determined to not give me this pie.”
I held it and acknowledged that this particular key lime pie we had visited eight stores to find did in fact exist.
Since it was 11am at this point and there were other things we would want to eat today besides pie, I said, “there aren’t many left overs anymore, should we get something for lunch?”
He told me there WERE left overs and acted like pie was all we needed.
That was it, it was now time to speak up about how bizarre this morning was becoming. Usually he would never dismiss valid questions like this.
Disappointed about feeling dismissed, I said, “I just want this to be easy.”
“The leftovers are easy,” he said.
“No. You. I’m disappointed because I want talking and being with you to be easy,” I said.
He asked why I felt that way.
Now it was the right time to explain exactly why I had taken offense. If I had started listing off points of minor disagreement before he asked to know more, I ran the risk of arguing point by point over specific incidents which was not at all what I wanted.
I wanted him to cherish my feelings and treat me lovingly, not cross examine my observations about our communication so far.
Since I expressed my feelings first, he heard the disappointment in my voice and was more interested in healing whatever was going on with me.
I explained that I felt disappointed and dismissed over my lunch question, and then quickly referred to two other times in the last 30 minutes that he had either needlessly corrected me or disputed something I said that was either an innocent throwaway comment or a benign observation. I kept my examples quick and specific.
He got it and genuinely apologized for being difficult to talk with.
Then, he went right back into problem solving mode and suggested that we get my favorite chicken for lunch. I agreed.
He paid for the pie, we picked up the chicken and went home.
After we ate the chicken, he brought me a piece of pie with the same genuine curiosity as when he had presented me with the key lime meringue.
When he saw I was completely satisfied, he beamed at me and relaxed.
A few hours later, I found out he had planned a surprise large and elaborate birthday dinner for that particular night and was worried about us ruining our appetites.
That morning, lunch had been the furthest thing from his mind, which is why he had acted weird around getting more food when we were at the market.
When I asked him about it, he told me that he had been really looking forward to this dinner and didn’t want it to be a disaster like the pie. He hadn’t wanted to ruin the surprise, and we were both already reactive because of the pie situation.
Now, let’s talk about what can be learned from this situation and also why it was NOT about the pie.
This entire pie situation is a good example of misunderstanding over providing and receptivity.
It also demonstrates what happens when the feminine partner innocently goes into her own masculine energy and starts problem solving after asking for something from her masculine partner. It’s a good example of why innocent situations spiral and it doesn’t seem to make sense.
By taking control of the pie, I was in my masculine and innocently stepping on him without intending to do so.
The particular pie from that specific supermarket was his idea. Pie is great, but what he really wanted to provide me with was joy.
It’s not that he would have been angered or otherwise upset by me making the pie myself, if I had truly wanted to do so.
If making my birthday pie myself had been the most joyous option for me, he would have lovingly gathered all the ingredients and offered to help me do it. That course of action would have represented him in his high masculine, providing for his feminine partner.
But he had suggested a different thing– the supermarket pie, and was doing what masculine people naturally do– provide through action.
Which I saw written all over his face each time I started getting involved in the specifics around how we would eventually have pie.
At that point in our pie journey, before manifesting the pie and during “gestation” (meaning the pie not arriving yet and being tricky to get in this instance)– me taking control of the whole pie experience robbed him of the actual, tangible joy of providing for me.
When I was suggesting ways to get, make or acquire a different pie than the one he suggested, I was NOT in my high, receptive feminine energy. At all. I was taking over the action by trying to do it my way, which exacts a cost.
And that cost is that the more masculine person in our relationship was not pleased and on the edge of snapping at me. He had pie to get, and a woman to please who was quickly turning into a dude right in front of him by wrestling control of the whole activity.
By looking for my own options, I was disrespecting him. Certainly without any negative intent, but it was disrespect nonetheless.
Energetically, I had subtly lost faith in the outside masculine energy source to provide, so I had essentially booted up and began looking for my own in-house options– which meant brainstorming new pie ideas and “getting it done.” Masculine, masculine, masculine.
To compound the whole problem, I actually told him that I doubted that there was this pie out there for us to get.
This is flat out disrespect.
He was not at all receptive to my ideas about pie after he had already decided how it would happen. Because he was not the one in his receptive feminine energy.
And, neither was I, which was why we were about to have a much bigger problem than pie.
This is why each time I began suggesting things (essentially overriding his guidance about how we’d obtain pie), he got quiet and even more determined to do it his way.
I should have noticed this evidence, given that noticing, analyzing these dynamics and coaching people through handling them is literally my purpose– but I missed the mark this time, which is why you get the benefit of this story.
Another thing I want to mention is that disrespecting the masculine can be super subtle, or it can be overtly loud and glaring.
This time it was subtle, which is the most dangerous since the lack of faith and trust will drive a masculine man away by eating your bond from the inside out. You’ll get the opportunity to acquire your own pie, forever– but it won’t have the same kind of joy in it… at all.
This pie experience mirrors what happens during manifestation when you doubt your creation.
As masculine, provider energy tries to bring you something, you cannot keep looking at why it has not shown up yet and start cooking up your own ideas. If you do, you’ll make it SO MUCH harder to receive your manifestation which is exactly what I was doing.
…And, that resistance to being provided for that particular day is likely why it took 8 stores to find something that was usually readily available.
For a moment, let’s pretend I’m purely feminine energy and he is purely masculine energy.
All human beings have both energy sources, but I want to make a specific point here.
As pure feminine energy, I have the spark of inspiration– I want pie.
Now, to create this pie, all I need to do is actually just decide I’ll have pie and trust that it will occur. Which is represented by me telling him I wanted pie.
Next, the masculine energy source will bring pie. In this story, the masculine is represented by my man.
He wanted NOTHING to do with my own ideas about HOW to obtain pie. He just wanted to know exactly what I wanted.
He gave zero fucks about my ideas about how the pie would happen as long as he knew which one was the right pie.
His thought process was closer to, “I’m handling this, I’ve got it.”
That’s how the divine masculine works.
This is also a source of misunderstanding– since masculine energy is NOT a collaborative force. It does not gather up everyone’s opinions about pie and reach a consensus, THEN act.
It gets the blueprint and acts.
Once he decided how he would please me, my ideas and “helpful” suggestions were just irritating to him. His patience definitely started to run thin as my questioning and doubting continued.
Masculine energy responds to genuine desire and spark of inspiration by getting into action to get it done.
This begins almost as soon as you decide specifically what you want and get the hell out of the way.
Every doubt you heap on about your manifestation after the point of clean, clear desire is usually a mistake– doubts, cursed “hows” about how you’ll obtain your desire, back and forth about whether you’re worth it, etc– usually all get in the way of you actually getting exactly what you want.
In this pie example, that back and forth that screws everything up is represented by my questioning, new ideas, suggestions and general googling of other ways to acquire pie. Those were not helping at all. Also, I would have had to do it myself, which I didn’t really want either.
We both would have literally been MUCH happier if I had just trusted him 100% and completely forgot all about the pie– even as we were going about getting it.
He had it handled.
As I anxiously began doubting, he got more and more short with me.
Because he (and the divine masculine) would eventually bring the pie. No interference from me was necessary or required at all.
Are you blocking your MANifestations?
Both problems with polarity and disrespect that I talk about here are both very common love blocks that we don’t usually realize we have until it’s too late.
Wondering what I mean by love blocks?
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