Wondering about the signs of a bad relationship because you’re afraid you are living it?
I’m well aware of the feeling. Over the years I found myself in several go-nowhere relationships where I convinced myself to just stay and try too hard when I was already 99% sure it wasn’t going to work out.
At the time, I plodded along anyway, holding out hope that even though I saw the signs of a bad relationship, but I could still MAYBE, SOMEHOW, make it work.
Nowadays in my work as a transformational coach, I’m a lot more hopeful since I have learned how to turn most situations around.
However no matter what problem you face, the first step is always admitting there is a problem.
That’s why, if right now you’re in that icky place where you think you should make a change but haven’t yet, I encourage you to keep reading. Here are the signs of a bad relationship:
1. That nagging feeling.
In a quiet moment, evaluate how you feel deep down about your partner. Do you want to make an even deeper commitment to this person? Or do you deep down feel like you should run?
It is so easy to know what you should do and not be getting it done. This is why we’re not all in super great shape, hang on to bad relationships and generally settle for less than we want.
The problem is that if you have ignored your gut for so long, you can mistake fear, anger or boredom for the very real effects of your internal compass.
Here’s how to explore your gut feelings about your relationship:
Choose a time when you feel relatively emotionally neutral.
Think back to the last time you and your partner were truly happy together and enjoying yourselves. Picture it vividly.
Now imagine that you could wave a magic wand and make your relationship that way now.
Would you? What comes up for you?
There is no right answer to this exercise. Thinking about the good times can make people feel mourning and loss over what they don’t have now.
Or, thinking about the past good times can make them sure they just don’t want the relationship any more. It really depends on you.
2. Your friends and family hate your mate.
Do your friends try to cross the street when you bring your partner around?
Have they tried to tell you that your relationship might not be a good idea?
Are they just not present like they used to be?
Can you tell they are not really happy for you?
The fact that all of your friends hate your significant other is a strong sign of relationship trouble. Let me be clear, I mean– can’t stand, loathe, and/or have tried in to talk you out of continuing this relationship.
I don’t mean that you have one or two friends or family members who aren’t sure about your partner. This is normal variation.
I mean that unless every person you know happens to be mean spirited, your friends and family know you best, and can likely see your partner more clearly.
When everyone you know hates the person you’re with because of the way you have been treated, it’s a strong sign your relationship is bad.
3. Seeking approval from people outside your relationship.
Do you feel the need to encourage everyone you know to like your partner?
The concept that you have tried to create approval for your relationship in the other people who are important to you is what I’m getting at here.
People who are feeling happy and confident about being in good relationships aren’t out there trying to convince others to like their partner. Like for your partner should come organically, without you trying to sell people on their positive attributes.
Ask yourself what is causing you to want to seek out other people’s approval for your partner.
4. Making excuses to justify your partner’s behavior.
Have you had to make excuses for your partner like she/he was tired, sick, angry, doesn’t like someone/something?
Do you feel like you need to regularly apologize to others for your partner’s behavior?
Excuses are a big sign it’s over and you’re looking past glaring bad relationship red flags.
You should be proud of your partner and the way that they handle things. Maybe not always, but at least the majority of the time.
5. Love is your only reason for staying.
Usually this conversation with a client goes like this:
“Well s/he has all of these problems, they take drugs, don’t generate income, and is borderline abusive.”
“Why don’t you leave?” I say gently.
“Because I love them,” they say.
Love alone does not create a good relationship.
You may love someone dearly, but if your life together doesn’t work or they don’t treat you well, it can still be the wrong relationship for you.
Counseling and working on your relationship is well and good if you have a situation that you think you can get past.
However, if all you’ve got is love and everything else is in the toilet, you might want to rethink your future with this person.
6. Love is NOT your reason for staying.
When you are not in love with someone but are staying because of your life circumstances, this is particularly insidious.
Usually this conversation with a client goes like this:
“I’m not in love with my spouse anymore, but we live together,” they say.
“Time to move,” I say.
“But I can’t,” they respond, starting to get defensive.
“Why?” I say.
At this point they usually backtrack, change the subject by mentioning shared finances, their business, the burden of taking care of their shared kids, grandma and/or dog.
If you are staying for the dog, kids or because you don’t want to move, this is a strong sign of a bad relationship.
I understand how difficult breaking up truly is.
Although it is difficult, the alternative is staying stuck in a bad relationship or digging in and trying to do something about it.
But doing nothing and staying stuck will get you the same results you have now.
If you choose this, you are choosing to stay in a loveless relationship and settle.
7. You just don’t LIKE each other.
Love might be what brought you together, but sometimes as people grow apart, they realize that they don’t actually LIKE the person they’re with anymore.
Maybe whatever got the relationship going in the beginning faded at some point and now you don’t have anything in common or feel motivated to create mutual interests.
Maybe life got in the way.
Maybe your partner just isn’t on your wavelength and can’t seem to come around.
Usually people don’t even want to admit to themselves that they don’t really like their partner anymore.
They might love them and hate themselves for feeling this way, but if you have tried to reconnect and just feel repulsed, it’s a sad but unfortunate sign of a bad relationship.
8. The relationship is abusive.
Clearly, abuse belongs on any list of signs of a bad relationship.
In fact, I’ve recently revised this post to include this section on abusive relationships because when I first wrote this, I assumed readers would naturally include abuse in their own mental catalog of bad relationship situations.
Back then, I was extremely naive to think that people were clear about abuse.
Since I have been fortunate not to experience abuse, I thought that abusive relationships had a bunch of dramatic moments, since my only minor experience with abusive relationships was hearing my mother tell absolutely gut-wrenchingly bad stories about her step father and my grandmother.
But then I met more and more relationship abuse survivors– including hearing my own partner share about his past marriage.
I’ve noticed that people don’t automatically notice when they are in an abusive relationship.
If the relationship was a nightmare every single day from the very beginning, no one would get into a bad relationship like that in the first place. But that isn’t how it works.
Even in deeply abusive relationships, there are usually some good times. Maybe fewer and fewer as the time wears on, but abusers are often extremely charming and seem normal in the beginning.
And, making things even more unclear, abusive relationships usually follow a predictable cycle that includes a honeymoon phase where everything is okay.
Sometimes everything seems fine until the couple reaches a major milestone like marriage or children.
Even then, there is a huge difference between realizing a relationship is abusive and taking the steps to leave.
That’s why, if your partner hits you (even once), tries to control the way you look, act, think or present yourself, takes your money, tries to control your reproduction, puts you down, abandons you, and/or tries to separate you from your friends and family, these are all signs of an abusive relationship.
If this is happening to you, things aren’t just bad, they are dangerous.
If you have tried to leave before and went back, please know that you are worth another try.
Abusive relationships will eat away at your self worth until you don’t think you deserve any better. This is a direct result of abuse.
The bottom line when you’re seeing signs of a bad relationship.
Looking up the signs of a bad relationship tells me either you’re doing a school assignment or wondering about your own life. Assuming it’s the second one, I want to share a few final thoughts:
Relationships do not stay the same over time.
Sometimes the love has gone. Sometimes it’s dead beyond all hope and sometimes it can be revived.
Sometimes the couple used to want the same things, but now both people have changed so much that they wonder if they can ever get back to the happy life they used to have together.
Sometimes one or both partners haven’t been putting in the kind of energy it takes to have a happy relationship.
Sometimes a couple have a bunch of bad habits that make it difficult for them to truly connect with each other.
No matter what it is for you, there is probably some clarity to gain and hope for shifting things. It doesn’t have to be hopeless.
One thing I’ve seen clearly in my coaching practice is that some relationships are completely fixable and there is a lot of hope to make things better.
If you want to explore the possibility of making things better between you and/or finding what will really make you happy, I offer 1:1 relationship coaching here.
