Everyone has their own way of expressing love.
Some may show affection through gifts, while others use physical touches or help with daily responsibilities. These ways of expressing love are now known as the love languages.
The five love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
It turns out, a large share of marital dissatisfaction comes from people’s inability to speak the other partner’s love language.
It’s also not uncommon to have different love languages and expect your spouse to understand what you want without sharing what it is.
These differences may be so drastic that they can undermine a relationship right after the wedding when most people relax and return to their natural behavior patterns.
Fortunately, speaking opposite love languages is not a death sentence for a relationship. It can be handled if you’re willing to put in the effort.
Why bother learning about the love languages?
If you’ve ever tried to grasp at least one foreign language or culture, you know it’s incredibly difficult. You usually start at the basics and keep going through more complex concepts.
Yet, recognizing people speaking this particular language in the street or in movies doesn’t take much time.
And then, isn’t it satisfying to say a few phrases to a person of a different culture?
And think about how much meaning it has to them. Both speakers are happy, right?
Now imagine your spouse speaks Chinese, and you want to make them happy and tell them you love and cherish them.
Wouldn’t it be much better to say it in their mother tongue?
Foreign language doesn’t feel as emotional as the one you grew up speaking, says Catherine Caldwell-Harris, Ph.D., in her article for Scientific American Mind.
Hearing and saying “I love you” in a foreign language has decreased emotionality.
So, if you want to impress your spouse and make them feel deeply loved and understood, then start using their love language.
The 5 Love Languages
Before we dig into how to speak your spouse’s love language, let’s look at the five principal love languages. So what are they?
Gary Chapman, the creator of the Love Language concept, distinguishes the following five main categories:
1. Words of Affirmation
People who use this love language like to talk about their feelings to a partner and want to hear similar things in return.
They used to express love through words and praise. “I love you,” “You look great,” “Your cooking skills are worth a Michelin award,” etc.
2. Quality Time
A person preferring this love language shows their commitment to the partner and relationship through spending time together.
They need your undivided attention, eye contact, and conscious presence (e.g., no phones and friend/work emergencies while you’re together).
3. Receiving Gifts
Gifts – what could be easier to please your spouse?
And the cost of the present does not really matter (unless you are married to a gold digger).
A person with this love language needs your attention to appreciate that you were thinking of them when you bought a gift.
4. Acts of Service
Unlike those who prefer to hear words of affirmation, people in this category need you to show your love by helping with everyday chores and responsibilities.
They love actions, not words.
The list is endless: take out the trash, refill the gas tank, take clothes to the dry cleaners, etc.
5. Physical Touch
This is any manifestation of physical intimacy, not just sex, as you might think.
People who express their love in the language of physical touch love the feelings of warmth and comfort that come with physical contact and feel the lack of attention and love if there is no intimacy.
How to have a great marriage when you speak different love languages.
Now that we know the basics, it’s time to get to some practical stuff.
Depending on your partner’s love language, there are five advice sections.
If you believe your spouse may belong to more than one category, try using advice from several groups and assess the result.
Another option is to ask your spouse to take a quiz together (in turns, obviously) to identify your and their love language.
From my experience, there are people with equal scores in three out of five categories, so you won’t get away with choosing only one type of giving them affection.
When your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation.
Praise their good deeds.
Whenever your spouse does something beneficial for your marriage, family, or other people, give them praise.
However, make sure that it is sincere and timely. Dr. Daniel T. Willingham, from the University of Virginia, says that using praise for manipulation will likely lead to unfavorable outcomes.
Your spouse is not too stupid to distinguish between your honest delight and self-serving comments.
Encourage their aspirations.
They’ve decided to start an online business, write a book, and retrain from a marketer to a psychologist. Your task is to support them.
For instance, tell them it’s a great idea and give your advice if needed. Or express your readiness to support and belief in their abilities to reach success.
Words of encouragement can help your spouse make the first, second, and third steps to their dream. Who knows, maybe they will be a success after all.
Stop all criticism.
Oh, how we love criticizing others! For some, it turned into everyday exercise with wit and offensive jokes.
But you know what that does to the criticized spouse?
It makes them feel you are trying to control and devalue them.
Replace criticism with feedback if you want something to change.
Instead of saying, “How could you come up with this silly conclusion?” say, “I don’t agree with your decision,” and give reasons. And remember to use a calm tone of voice.
People react to the emotional intonation rather than the message, says Steven Stosny, Ph.D. So make sure to regulate your anger first.
Your spouse’s love language is quality time.
Be emotionally present when you’re together.
Remember the undivided attention we spoke earlier?
It’s what both spouses should be doing when having quality time.
The mere staying physically in one room is not enough. If you find time to spend with your loved one, unglue yourself from the phone or computer screen.
Doing something together is about emotional bonding and not physical presence. Go outside, discuss news, or play board games.
As long as you create shared experiences and memories, you’re doing everything right.
Offer empathy when they complain about life, work, etc.
Many people who prefer quality time as their love language often need your emotional and verbal support.
You may be tempted to give them advice and wait for them to follow it. But it doesn’t usually work as expected.
When your spouse starts complaining about something going wrong, take his or her side and show you understand their frustration.
Under no circumstances should you explain to them that they’re wrong in this situation. They will hear, “You’re bad, stupid, fat.”
“You don’t want to be right (even if you are) at the expense of your marriage,” says Laura Wasser, a family expert and chief of divorce evolution at Divorce.com.
“I’ve seen too many marriages falling apart because of a tragic misunderstanding of each other’s emotional needs.”
Make time for each other unconditionally.
People who believe they don’t have time for something are very much mistaken.
You and your spouse probably have time for social media, daydreaming, or watching TV.
Why not sacrifice some of those for quality time together?
No one says you should be around each other all your free time. Everybody needs space from time to time, it’s true. However, one or two hours in your spouse’s company is a luxury you can afford.
In addition, the more meaningful and enjoyable activities you do together, the more evidence of love and affection you and your partner accumulate.
Your spouse’s love language is receiving gifts.
Learn the art of giving great gifts.
If one spouse sees gifts as an expression of love, but the other has rarely bought any gifts for anybody or received presents themselves, it will be difficult (at first) to start giving gifts. But fear not.
Gifts is the love language is the easiest to learn.
First, you must understand your spouse’s preferences. How?
By paying close attention to your spouse is the best thing you can do.
For example, spy on your spouse a little when you’re together. Maybe they mention something they would like to have or look with interest at this object in the street, store, etc.
Take notes, and you’ll be left with a list of things to buy when the time comes.
Be clear about your wishes.
If you’re the spouse waiting for gifts, be merciful to your partner and give them a clear idea about what you’d like to receive.
Make sure you just say clearly what you want and don’t expect your spouse understand your tone of voice or small hints.
Don’t wait for special occasions to give a present.
When is the right time to give a present to your spouse? The answer is, anytime you think of them and see what they might like.
Flowers here, a card or a notebook there – and you’ll be fine. It may be something tasty that you don’t usually buy every day.
Naturally, you shouldn’t spend all your budget on presents. Anything you buy should be within your usual expenses. Nobody expects a new car each month.
Remember to have reasonable limits for both the price and quantity of gifts. Your spouse won’t be thrilled if you waste money on useless things daily.
Your spouse’s love language is acts of service.
Ask for “acts of service” nicely.
Marriage is a union of two people giving love to each other willingly.
If your love language is based on acts of service, you surely wouldn’t want the other person to do something nice for you under pressure.
If you demand your spouse to mow the lawn and always criticize them for not doing it in time, your marriage will become a battlefield.
If you want the other person to help you, just ask nicely. Quite a few people believe their requests will frustrate and annoy others.
In reality, most of us want to make a difference in other people’s lives and feel good by helping others, says Xuan Zhao, a social psychologist at Stanford University.
Identify your spouse’s needs.
You must understand that not every act of service you do will be appreciated equally well.
Your spouse likely has some things they value higher than others.
Most of the time, these would be work around the house, child-rearing, insurance, car, and bills.
The only thing to determine which responsibilities to take is to ask your spouse about it. Make a list of chores and errands each of you should do. Develop your own list of things or spend time creating a joint list. Then split the housework. If everyone knows and completes their share, your marriage life will become much less stressful.
Be ready to shift your views on traditional husband and wife roles.
These days, women work as much as men regarding employment and salary.
However, society still expects wives to do the housework and raise children. Your views on family may be based on similar models. But if you plan to make your marriage work, be ready to change that model and develop a new one to make both spouses happy.
You make dinner for him when he returns from work, and he fills the gas tank in your car and washes dishes after each meal. Choose whatever does the trick for you best. And remember to do those things out of love, not fear or annoyance.
Such an attitude won’t count as an expression of love.
Your spouse’s love language is physical touch.
Experiment with physical expressions of love.
Frequent touches may always feel out of place if you’ve been raised in a “no-touch” family.
Yet, your spouse deserves to be loved in their own way.
So, if physical touch is their preferred love language, you’d better start using it more often.
But how to know what your significant other likes and dislikes?
You actually can’t discover these things just by assuming. Instead, you must experiment with touches in different situations.
Holding hands in public or a slight kiss every time you meet each other in the morning or after work is practically a rule of thumb.
As for other things, use your imagination.
Pay attention to whether your spouse likes some particular physical touch. If they report that the like what you’re doing, keep it up.
If they don’t seem to respond well, ditch it and try something else.
Be mindful of touching and being touched by people other than your spouse.
Since a person with physical touch as a love language believes it’s the utmost expression of love, their spouse should refrain from “extra-marital touches” as much as possible.
Don’t let people outside your marriage touch you familiarly, and don’t do it yourself.
For your spouse, it would be the same as telling strangers you care about or have feelings for them.
Be careful.
Consider whether physical contact is necessary with other people, especially when your husband or wife is around.
Use touch to support your spouse.
Supporting people when they’re upset may feel difficult if we don’t understand what kind of support they need.
Luckily, when dealing with a physical touch lover, you’re free to hug your spouse whenever they’re frustrated or crying.
Most of the time, they don’t need you to rush with resolutions to their problems.
Your touch is what will speak volumes to them instead.
Final thoughts about how to speak your spouse’s love language.
Speaking your partner’s love language is not that difficult after you figure out what it is.
Even if you don’t feel confident about doing everything right, your spouse will recognize and appreciate your effort and become more agreeable.
At the same time, you will improve your self-esteem and importance because you’ll have a contented spouse on your hands.
Thus, compromising, willingness to make your partner feel loved, and sincerity will help bridge the gap between you and your spouse.
