I have a cousin who only likes one type of alcoholic drink.
Coors Light beer. That’s it.
He doesn’t want a vodka cocktail.
He doesn’t want to try some fancy gin concoction.
He doesn’t want to visit the Guinness factory in Ireland to drink it fresh from the tap.
All these other drinks are fine for other people, but they are not what he wants.
For contrast, my cousin’s brother-in-law (I’ll call him Fred) loves craft beers of all varieties.
Fred is also a foodie, so he likes mixing and matching the beers with different foods. It’s a full on hobby for him.
For the life of him, Fred can’t understand WHY IN THE WORLD my cousin insists on drinking Coors Light.
So… at every Sunday family dinner– tirelessly– Fred brings new beers for my cousin to try.
He’s been doing this for 10+ years…
From Fred’s point of view, offering my cousin new beers is the nicest thing he could do, since he doesn’t think Coors Light is worth drinking and loves trying new beers.
To my cousin, this whole exchange is torture.
He feels misunderstood and uncared for since he has explained that he really wants Coors Light every single week in the 10-plus years they’ve known each other.
Fred could IMMEDIATELY improve his relationship with my cousin by bringing him a single ice-cold Coors Light next Sunday afternoon.
And quit trying to change my cousin.
Because that would represent the highest understanding, caring and loving behavior to my cousin.
But Fred keeps trying.
From Fred’s perspective, if my cousin would just try the craft beers, it would give them something to talk about and bond over. He wouldn’t feel so rejected and unwelcome by my cousin.
In the beginning, my cousin tried a few other beers and went right back to Coors Light. But Fred didn’t get the hint, so my cousin quit the whole charade and went back to his favorite beer.
Fred keeps it up though… and it keeps annoying my cousin.
So, what does this story have to do with love and romance?
Plenty.
People misunderstand each other in romantic relationships constantly.
Both people bring each other their most treasured gifts only to have misunderstandings where they feel rejected, unappreciated and ignored.
As the years go by, people end up in a frustrating stalemate like my cousin and Fred.
In the beginning, Fred and my cousin got along well and even enjoyed each other’s company.
Nowadays, they really only speak during the tense, Sunday night “no thanks, Coors Light is all I want to drink” exchange.
Both people have good intentions, but misunderstanding and inability to put themselves in each other’s shoes is the entire problem.
And that’s true for so many people I coach and speak with.
They’re acting like Fred and then wanting the results (love, affection and connection) they would get from empathizing with the other person and offering them what THEY want.
Except they have no idea what the other person wants because they’re operating on faulty information, assumptions, and trying to give their partner what they think they would want.
Food for thought for today. Don’t be like Fred.
