Have you ever been with someone who seems to have a fear of commitment?
Maybe you’ve dated them for years and they just never seem to want to take things to the next level.
Or perhaps you’re already married, and while they wear the ring on their finger… but you sense that their heart just hasn’t made that deeper commitment yet.
Maybe without a commitment, you feel anxious and worried that your relationship is not resting on solid ground.
When I’m working with coaching clients, sometimes I get asked the question, “well, if they love me like they say they do, why won’t they commit? Do they really love me?”
Today I want to shed some light on how people’s minds work and why even though they might truly love you, they are still not ready to commit.
Some of have nothing to do with you, it’s just where they are at in their life. Others are things that you could be doing wrong in your relationship, so make sure you pay close attention.
1. They are tired of being nagged about a commitment.
Often people need to feel like commitment is their idea, even if pressuring them into committing to you works sometimes.
After all, some hint very aggressively until they get engaged. This kind of pressure may lead to resentment and lack of REAL commitment and faithfulness long term.
In my over a decade as a coach, I’ve seen some date one person for years, only to get engaged to the next one who came along even though they only dated for 6 months.
Few things are more confusing than watching your ex jump into a new relationship and get engaged in what seems like record time, when they dated you for 8.93 years before you got frustrated about not wanting to get married and dumped them.
Often the next one who comes along is seen as less ‘suffocating’ due to less commitment pressure.
Or it’s simply because they are now ready for commitment when in the past they were not.
Talking about commitment in a well-reasoned way isn’t a bad thing, but if you find yourself doing it week in, week out, it’s likely to be doing more harm than good.
You may simply be with the wrong person if you feel a need for more commitment right now and that person is somehow withholding it.
Examine whether you want a commitment from THEM or you want to be married to SOMEONE.
Be honest with yourself. If they are the one for you, it’s time to talk about what you want your future to look like.
When you tell them what you want, you must be authentic. Let’s say you want to be married to them in the worst way.
Doing what most think is “hinting” comes off to them like “complaining about wanting to get married.”
It’s important to make your person know what you want in your life without making them feel like it’s up to them to make big changes.
People are sensitive to what their partner wants and they usually want to please each other.
If they don’t want to be married to you, say… ever, then it’s time to move on and find another person who sees marriage in their future.
If they want to commit to you, then allow them to get to that stage on their own.
2. They feel unappreciated and/or emotionally unsupported.
People need their egos stroked, and for them to feel like you are ‘the one’ it will help a lot if you can notice all the good things they do (and their body if you like it, etc).
It is also incredibly important that you accept and support them in their dreams, whatever they may be (starting their own company, traveling the world, etc).
A huge mistake is made when trying to mold and shape a person into the person you wish they were, rather than supporting them in creating the best version of themselves.
Examine your expectations. People usually show up to relationships wanting the other person to be exactly how they are now… forever.
Others show up expecting a person to conform to what they want.
Take careful stock of your mindset and try to figure out if you’re trying to force your person to be someone else.
If you’re trying to change them, think about how sad and demoralizing that would feel if the situation was reversed.
Fear of commitment in that situation seems justified, right?
3. They are not ready to grow up yet.
Some people can take a little longer to grow up than others.
It takes a certain amount of maturity to get to the point of wanting a commitment, and they may not be quite there yet.
An immature person can rarely consider the wants and needs of others above their own.
There’s a difference between accomplishing everything that one wants in life before they settle down, and deep-seated immaturity that shows up as commitment issues. Think about your person.
Do they seem like they fall into the first category or the second one?
4. They aren’t satisfied in your bedroom.
If they have had a past partner with whom intimacy was more frequent or better, this could make them nervous about committing to you forever.
If you feel that intimacy isn’t important, then that attitude could well be a reason for lack of long term commitment.
If the sex is “meh” so will their attitude be toward your relationship. You may feel the same way.
5. Their priorities are different than yours.
Right now, commitment might not be very high on their priority list.
If there are other areas in their life that require more attention, that might come before they have the emotional and financial resources to commit to marriage.
People often prioritize their lives based on the stage that they’re in.
For example, say they are a student or just starting out in their career.
They’re not going to always feel comfortable making a commitment if they haven’t reached the time where they are ready to settle down.
It might sound like an outdated idea, but once people get married, the pressure is on to support and grow a family.
When a person gets married, they take on lots of additional responsibility. If they’re not in a place when they’re ready for that deeper responsibility, they won’t be ready to marry you.
Often, if they aren’t feeling the level of career or life success that they want to reach when you’re dating, they might not want to make a commitment.
This is especially true about marriage because they might view their future in more of a linear fashion. I.e., graduate, have single time, get a real job, meet the correct person, get married, in that order.
6. Their friends haven’t settled down yet.
If everyone they know is single, they might be reluctant to take on the responsibility of building a family or a life with you.
However, they may not want to be the first person in their friend group to settle down. They could feel like they are missing out on things with their single friends.
The majority of people want to commit eventually, but they just might not be ready for it yet.
7. They are already mourning the loss of their free time.
Serious relationships take up an enormous amount of time and energy.
Sometimes people need time to do their own thing before they are ready to settle down.
Even though they might love you now, they might be afraid that your relationship will take up even more time after you move in together or get married.
They might not be ready for time and energy required by deeper commitment.
8. Their past history with commitment.
When you learn about their past relationships and childhood, you may understand why someone isn’t ready to commit to you.
They could be afraid of commitment in new relationships because of pain caused by a previous breakup. They may need a little extra time until they feel safe in their new relationship with you.
9. There’s someone else.
Hopefully this isn’t the case, but it is possible they have someone else on their mind, leaving them confused about what kind of future they want with you.
It is also possible they are not over their ex-partner, or don’t see you as better than them (people want to commit to the best they’ve relationship they have ever had).
Warning: Unless you have serious evidence, do not start accusing them of cheating.
This final point is for those who have that sinking feeling that something might be wrong or see signs they are cheating. This is a select group. Please don’t over-react and start questioning an innocent partner.
Suspicion and doubt is not the fast (or even slow, probably) road to inspiring them commit to marriage.
READ: 8 Mistakes You (Accidentally) Make That Curb Your Desirability
