A reader wonders whether her long distance relationship with an introverted man has a future.
“I just read your article: “3 Huge Tips All Extroverts MUST Know When Dating An Introvert” after reading and researching the extrovert introvert relationship topic for an exhausting amount of time. I thought I would reach out to see if you could give me some insight or thoughts on a situation I have found myself in.
I have never really focused or researched much about personality types – I have made the silly and naive assumptions of combining “extrovert and outgoing” and “introvert and shy.”
Over New Year’s Eve I went skiing with some friends where I met a guy.
Though I live in Texas and he lives in California, we’ve communicated daily since meeting. We got together recently and last weekend we met up for a little weekend getaway (first time seeing each other since January).
It was a great weekend, very smooth, intimate, not uneasy or awkward in any way.
He is an introvert. In some ways I believe and feel he is an outgoing introvert – but definitely an introvert – he has even mentioned and talked about this to me. I like this about him, however I have found myself wondering about how he feels about me or where he sees this going since we have not had a defining talk about that.
Over the past four months of us talking I have no reason to believe this isn’t something he wants to pursue. I have come to know his behavior of retreating into a cave when he stresses and I let him be but overall he has been very assuring in the sense of continuing to communicate (even if it’s only a few times throughout the day).
So my question and purpose for reaching out to you is… how do I know if this is something that he wants to continue to explore… long distance being a huge factor. I have read countless articles all saying that introverted men are slow in their time and it takes patience for them to show how they feel….
I owe it to myself to know or feel whether or not he sees this going somewhere because I don’t want to wait around for something that he doesn’t see a possible future with.
I suppose all I really want to find out is if there is some sort of a potential commitment?”
-N. from Texas
First of all, N, let’s talk about personality types. If you haven’t yet, take a test and get clear on YOUR TYPE so that you can better understand yourself. Understanding who you are can help wire you for being happier and what you need in a partner.
I really like the free test over at 16 Personalities, an incredibly well put together website that will give you powerful results.
You can share the link with your introvert partner and ask him to take it too. This will allow you to learn more about each other, giving you each insight on how you tick, how you see life, and how you are likely to deal with the inevitable stresses life tosses at you.
I can tell you that understanding my partner’s type has been one of the best tools for a harmonious and happy home together.
Now let’s talk about the differences between introverts and extroverts.
Introverts do not own the market on being shy and extroverts are not the only outgoing folks. Both types have learned to deal with social situations and may come across as shy when they are actually an extrovert or outgoing when they are just a friendly introvert.
Being an introvert over an extrovert is about two main factors:
The first difference between introverts and extroverts is energy.
An introverted person gains energy by being alone (or in intimate, meaningful connections in one-on-one situations).
After being around groups of people– a party, at work, traveling– the introverted person feels drained and tired and needs to recharge his batteries with some quiet time.
So, after being around people and expending their energy, your introverted man needs sleep, to revert to his comfort zone, cave, or simply kick back and play his favorite video game or hobby alone.
An extroverted person gains energy being with others and having social interaction.
Sure, extroverts need some quiet time and solid sleep, but going to a party or a noisy restaurant fuels their energy cells.
After coming home from being around lots of other people, they find themselves wired and it may take some time to chill.
The second factor that determines whether a person is an introvert or extrovert is how they process their thoughts.
An introvert typically thinks things through before speaking and doesn’t enjoy small talk.
This is why introverts may come across as shy, but in all honesty, they are playing conversations through their own mind before saying them out loud.
The extrovert needs to talk things through in order to get clear on what they think.
This is why extroverts may seem more outgoing or are often guilty of interrupting others during a conversation.
Usually, when an extrovert does this, they are trying to get clear around what their opinion might actually be. The introvert doesn’t always understand this because when they decide to speak, they usually have already decided on how they feel about the topic that they’re discussing and the point of saying anything is to share that thought with you.
That said, because men in general rarely love talking about their feelings, when you’re dating an introverted man– he is even more likely to bide his time before telling you how he feels about you.
Introvert or extrovert, though, no one likes feeling pressured. Right?
The core of your question though isn’t just about being patient with dating an introverted guy, it’s really about fear.
The fear of being rejected if he doesn’t feel the same. The fear that you would spend too much of your time on this guy if he really had no interest in a possible future.
And the fact of the matter is, my dear, nothing in life is certain.
We want to hold out for that certainty of, “I care about you and therefore want you to love me back.”
The best relationship advice I can give you here is that you must take a leap of faith if you care about this man. Because it’s better to begin building a future together thanks to a brave moment on your part than it is for him to just assume that you don’t have deeper feelings for him.
Sure, if he doesn’t feel the same, it will mean a little heartache now. But the longer you wait, the harder it will be to bring up the subject and the greater the risk that he’ll hurt you if he doesn’t feel the same way.
That said, when you ask about the future, do it in a loving and open way. As I mentioned, no one likes to feel pressured to make a decision about a relationship that they aren’t ready to make.
Maybe the best place to ask is via email, saying something along the lines of “I had such a wonderful time when we were together, and I know the distance can be a challenge, but my gut tells me we have something special here.”
Then… be patient for his response.
Remember that as an introverted man, he may need a little time to think about how he feels.
This does not mean he doesn’t feel the same about you, but give him the respect of no pressure and a way to reply back in his own way and time.
Are you ready to peel away the need for perfection, strip off the masks you’ve been hiding behind? It’s time to feel alive again. To be bold, feel sexy and reclaim your confidence.
Find out how you can do just that by clicking here now.