So we’re going to talk a little bit about feeling lonely during divorce.
Something I often hear from people going through a divorce is, “why am I so lonely and does this mean that I need to go back to my ex?”
“Have I made a big mistake?”
The answer to this question is very simple no.
No. That is not what loneliness during divorce means.
Here’s the thing about feeling lonely during divorce.
Oftentimes we feel like there’s something wrong with us for feeling lonely for not feeling enough being by ourselves right?
There is nothing wrong with you for being lonely for craving connection. We as human beings are wired for connection.
We crave it. We are relational beings. That is what it means to be human.
So that desire to connect and to be with other people does not mean that there’s something wrong with you and it also does not mean you need to go running back to your ex.
That is at the core of what it means to be human and if it is healthy and understandable.
It can be really painful when you have been with somebody for years, sometimes decades. For them to be gone it opens up this sort of loneliness that you feel deep inside at your core.
I remember that feeling early on and it is so so painful. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling it.
You are feeling loneliness during divorce because you are human but that does not mean that you’ve made a mistake and it does not mean you need to go running back to your ex.
So here’s what loneliness during divorce does mean.
You need to get your connection needs met in a healthy way.
This does not mean swiping endlessly on dating apps or trying desperately to find somebody to fill your ex’s shoes.
You need to get your connection needs met in healthy ways.
This means reaching out to friends and family– people you care about– leaning on them, talking to them, making space for connection.
This might require some effort right?
They’re not used to you being available. That doesn’t mean they’re not thinking of you or they don’t care about you, but you might have to be the one who picks up the phone and calls them.
You might have to be the one who sets up a time to go for a walk or to meet for a cup of coffee with them.
One of the things that people get stuck on is “oh they don’t really want to be around me, I’m a burden, blah, blah, blah.”
No you’re not. People like to be needed. They want to be there for you. They are relational beings too.
It is important to reach out and connect to people who care about you those healthy friendships and relationships with family that fill your connection needs is so, so critical during this time.
The third piece that you need to know about that loneliness that you’re feeling is that the answer to the loneliness is not another person.
Yes, you need to reach out to friends and family to get your connection needs met but that’s not about them that is about you.
The key to moving through the loneliness right now is not going back to your ex and it’s not finding a replacement for your ex.
It’s about connecting inward and connecting to yourself.
If you want to have a healthy relationship with the next person, you need to feel like a whole and fulfilled person right?
That means reconnecting to you and who you are and what you need and what you want in a meaningful way.
I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that’s an easy journey because it is not.
Sometimes that is a journey that requires a hell of a lot of discomfort– and that discomfort is good.
I know it doesn’t feel good and I know it’s hard to believe. It’s hard to take this in but that discomfort you’re feeling right now is a sign of growth and change. Sometimes it means leaning into that discomfort to create the growth and change that you need.
So don’t run from it, don’t be afraid and remember that when you’re feeling lonely.
A lot of times I point to right here (points to chest) because sometimes loneliness is a physical pain.
It’s called heartache for a reason right?
We actually feel loneliness it in our body because the central nervous system is not just up in your head, it runs through every inch of our body.
So if you’re feeling that pain of loneliness, remember these three things:
- It is healthy and understandable to feel lonely and to want and crave connection with others because you are human.
- You need to get your connection needs met by reaching out to friends and family members and connecting with them in a healthy way.
- This is an opportunity for you to reconnect with yourself.
You get to connect with your needs, with your wants with what drives you.
If you do that you will feel more whole and be in a better place for healthy relationships across the board.
So if you’re feeling lonely I know it’s hard to take this in but you are not alone.
If this was helpful for you I would really like to invite you to join my free masterclass about the 3 Things That Prevent Women From Living Their Best Lives After Divorce and What You Can Do About It Now.
In this masterclass I am going to be covering the secret to rewiring your brain and getting your thoughts off your ex.
The 3 sneaky traps that women fall into that keep them stuck.
…and much, much, much more.