Today I help a reader who wonders if men who come back when they ghosted after casual sex are sincere when they say they want a relationship with her.
“Hello, I need advice..
So, I’m currently single, but the problem is my ex lovers.
There are some guys with whom I had fun before but I got feelings for them, and they, after some wild nights together, disappeared.
Now, they are back, not asking for sex (but have sexy talks) but sweet talk me— and say they want a relationship. I get it— if they couldn’t find sex anywhere else they come back to already known paths… Can I believe them?
Maybe they really want me as a girlfriend? Or do I need to keep my distance from those kinds of guys?”
I understand how frustrating and painful this cycle is for you.
Now, I’m not trying to lecture you here. What you do in your bedroom is your business.
However, it’s worth mentioning that casual sex and friends with benefits arrangements are NOT good for women, since before peri-menopause, women are biologically predisposed to bond and develop feelings for men they have sex with.
Chemical bonding after sex is nature’s way of gluing us together so that our offspring survive.
…And it’s just another one of the many reasons why breaking up is so hard after things have gotten physical. Splitting up that chemical bond is an actual withdrawal process.
That’s why, in the past, when you thought you could handle it and just have fun, you started having feelings for the guy.
Unless you are past your fertile years, your body is MADE to make it hard to leave him.
That’s why the afterglow of sex has transformed many normal, even below-average men into virtual Don Juans in the eyes of their lovers.
He might have the personal hygiene of a warthog on Groundhog Day.
He might live at home with his Mom (and not because he’s being a good son by taking care of her).
He might murder little children for their lunch money.
Nature simply doesn’t care.
Now, obviously my time machine isn’t up and running so you can go back to the past and put off sex until you establish a consistent and continuous monogamous relationship with him first.
As one of my favorite relationship advice professionals–Dr. Pat Allen, therapist and bestselling author of Getting To “I Do” says, “you can’t trust humans, all you can do is take a risk on them.” And, she’s right. There are no guarantees in relationships.
That’s why, if you still like this guy and want to see where it goes, spend more time with him and take a wait and see approach when it comes to having more sex.
To do this effectively, tell him the truth— that you jumped into bed with him too soon and would like to establish a monogamous relationship by spending more time outside the bedroom getting to know him before things get physical between you again.
Then stick to your guns until you both either fall in love and it all goes the way you want or you decide to call it quits for good.
Start operating from the perspective that people (not just men) aren’t usually malicious, it’s just that they don’t usually think things out first or even know exactly what they want.
Human beings make ALL of their decisions emotionally and then justify them with logic.
That’s why any man who comes back after disappearing might be completely serious about wanting a relationship with you.
Or he might just want more sex.
Or he might want both (jackpot! If you’re me).
In fact, he might sex, a relationship, a puppy and a hot air balloon (also, jackpot).
And, most likely, he might not even know exactly what he wants, just that he’s calling you.
That’s why taking a wait and see approach can work.
As an extra bonus, you already know that things are hot between the sheets.
All you have to do now is state what you want and follow through on it.
In that case, he’ll be fine your boundary statement about spending non-sexual time together during this second round while you get to know each other better.
Now, at some point during your journey he might ask for more sex before you are ready or have established a consistent relationship with him.
And… I wouldn’t fault a red-blooded human male for asking for sex since he’s built to do that.
If he asks for sex before he agrees to establishing a relationship with you, you don’t get all huffy-puffy with him, just say no and gently restate your boundary. Simple.
If he’s lying about wanting a relationship and can’t wait for more sex with you, then you’ll know soon enough.
Do you have a burning question about love, dating, sex or relationships?