“He Told Me He Didn’t Feel A Spark. What Should I Do?”


(Go back to part 4 here.)

The next question is from JP who wonders how to keep the spark going with new men she dates.

JP says,

“I have been seeing someone new for a month. Our connection felt effortless to me. He met me our last night and it seemed like we were both having a great time living in the moment.

This morning he messaged me saying that he enjoyed spending time with me but something didn’t feel quite right and that we should no longer see each other.

I told him that I respected his decision and asked if he could clarify what he meant. I also opened up to him about my anxiety progressing things with him physically.

We had only kissed twice.

He told me that I was great and didn’t do anything wrong. He just didn’t feel that initial spark and that it was good that we didn’t get more physical because it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.

I know this program is based on emotional connection but I can’t help but feel this and my previous relationship ended due to issues with physical passion or the missing spark.

I’m working on my intimacy issues with a therapist but progress is slow.

I guess I’m doubting whether the Advanced Relational Skills will help with my current situation since I think we had a good emotional connection. I’m not sure how to create the spark that the guys I’m interested in are looking for.

I would like to try pursuing things with this guy but don’t know how to recover from this or proceed from here.

What should I do to get a second chance and how can I create a spark between us or between future romantic interests?


I’m looking at this correctly. There is a possibility that the guy you had this interaction with could be emotionally unavailable.

One of the characteristics of emotionally unavailable men or people, in general, is that they claim to want to be in a relationship but they will quickly discount people when they don’t find a sort of perfection with them.

They’ll be scanning people that they are dating for issues, errors, problems, and reasons to disqualify them.

As soon as that happens they’ll say,

“You know it just wasn’t right. I don’t think we should be together. It wasn’t perfect.”

Then they’ll keep that space open for some sort of idealistic, perfect person.

I want to make this clear. This is different from the five by five list that we were talking about because we’re not looking for a perfect person when we use a five by five list of attributes we want in a person.

We’re just looking for someone that meets our five must-have qualities and our five deal-breaker qualities.

If that happens, then we can go ahead and overlook the rest of the tiny minutia that we have like how – I don’t know, how she always leaves you to clean up the dishes at the end of the evening or something like that.

Maybe what they are doing kind of frustrates you or something and you want her to do the dishes half of the time or whatever. I don’t know.

If that’s a major breaking point, then fine. That’s cool. Go ahead and write off that particular person.

If that’s not a major thing for you, then you can go ahead and overlook it because you’re getting your five by five list taken care of.

There is the possibility that he was an emotionally unavailable man.

In which case, the best thing for you to do is to say to yourself, “OK, great. Now, I know that (he’s emotionally unavailable) and I don’t have to pursue that.”

If you think that wasn’t true and that he is an emotionally available man, one thing that you might want to do is look back at how the interaction actually went.

Now, you say that you had a very strong emotional connection with him. Sure, that might be your experience.

Is it possible that he had a completely different experience of things in that date that you were on, in that event that happened?

Obviously, I don’t know. I wasn’t there. I’m not spying on you or anything like that. All I have to go off of this is what you have shared with us here.

It could be that there is actually a deficiency in your present moment awareness, in your ability to understand people’s emotional state, in your ability to express vulnerability— which are Advanced Relational Skills.

If that is the case, then that is where I would make sure you are focusing your personal development on.

Either he’s emotionally unavailable and was looking for an excuse to write you off or you misunderstood his experience of the situation.

Even though you had a pleasant time, he may not have interpreted that connection as being as strong as the connection that you saw between the two of you.

As long as one of those is in play, I don’t know really which road to go down.

If you would like to comment next week with which one of those you think is most likely what happened, then we can go ahead and talk about that.

With that being said, thanks! And please keep us updated on what you think the situation was.

Those have been our questions for this week. Once again, this has been Clay with modernlove.life.

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Clay Andrews

About Clay Andrews

Clay Andrews and Mika Terao bring their client’s relationships back from the brink.

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