A reader wonders how to fix her mistake with a man who has cut off contact and blocked her on social media.
Hi – I met someone on a site, we hit it off, but could never meet, so much in common between the two of us. We finally met, twice, fireworks, then he met someone else, stopped everything with me.
Unfortunately, I was going through a lot of stress with work, hormones, PMS and the beginning of peri-menopause (yeah, can we say Tsunami), and texted and then hit him up on chat on POF constantly badgering him instead of backing off.
Now I’m blocked caused I pushed things – and yes – totally on me! 5 days of crazy and lost best thing I ever knew. I don’t think it will work out with the other gal, but in either case, I hate that he hates me.
Can I do anything to at least look normal again since I’ve finally got things back in control? It’s been a month of no contact so far.”
Well, I bet you won’t do that again, will you?
It sounds like a relationship with this man is not going to happen unless he remembers your chemistry and wants to get in touch much later on down the road. However, it’s really unlikely, so I don’t want to get your hopes up at all.
As crappy as it is, the reality in this situation is that he has given you his answer– he never wants to hear from you again.
But, it’s important to reframe this situation.
This was a powerful and important learning experience, NOT the best relationship ever that you’re missing out on because you screwed up.
As terrible and ashamed and embarrassed as you feel, when the right guy shows up, you WILL NOT DO THIS and it will be perfectly at the right time.
The entire point of this guy was to learn this lesson.
And, that lesson includes the illusion of action.
What’s the illusion of action?
It’s the concept that you have to DO SOMETHING to change, alter, or make a situation go your way.
Action makes us feel in control.
Action falsely quiets that voice in our head that whispers, “if only” because, after all— if you’re doing all you can, you can’t NOT win, right?
The problem is, when we fall for the illusion of action, we make really big mistakes with other people.
That’s because a LOT of succeeding in dating is waiting until the other person hits the ball back over the net at us— instead of acting out our hurt and insecurity when they aren’t doing what we want or feeling the same things at the same time as we are.
And this is tough. Not getting in touch with someone you dearly want to hear from involves a huge, Herculean amount of self discipline. But patience is absolutely necessary to get and keep a good man long-term.
In your case, it sounds like instead of absorbing what this man told you about his choice to date someone else, you acted on the overwhelming urge to DO SOMETHING to save the connection. The problem is, classily bowing out, busying yourself with other men and doing NO FORWARD MOVEMENT toward this man was the only hope you had of salvaging things with him if his new relationship didn’t work out.
But, that’s water under the bridge now, and what’s done is done. My intention is not to make you feel worse.
What should you do after being blocked on social media?
The only thing you can do to look somewhat normal with this man is to move on, lick your wounds and do absolutely nothing. Worrying about what he thinks about you now is a moot point because he’s already made his choice. It’s time to forgive yourself and cultivate a happy, IDGAF attitude.
You have to respect his clear boundaries and take an “other fish in the sea” perspective here. As good as it was with this man for a little while, he gave you his answer before you had the chance to get weird and drive him nuts with constant messaging.
He wanted someone else, which he was kind enough to be up front with you about. The classy thing to do now is to mentally wish him well and move the heck on!
Understandably that stung for you to hear, but who he wants is his business. Now that he’s blocked you, you don’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself in front of him anymore.
Stop beating yourself up, take a deep breath and repeat after me:
Now get back out there and meet new men to make different mistakes with!