A reader who is afraid her husband will cheat asks how to prevent her husband from leaving her for a woman from work.
Hi, so my husband and I have been married for almost thirteen years and have two children together and our marriage has been really great, but last year, this new woman started working in his office and she’s stunning and it makes me feel like he’ll leave me for her, because you can tell she really likes him. He had to travel with her to another state on a business trip and he came home and told me that she made some advances towards him but that he didn’t cheat on me and he rejected her but that he was very tempted, he said he’d never cheat on me and he never wants to hurt me but how do I know he won’t leave me?
I can’t stop thinking about it, how do I keep my marriage up after this?
What do I do?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard to feel this afraid your husband will cheat.
What I’m going to say next is not meant to discount your feelings. What I’m going to recommend to prevent your husband from cheating on you is simple, but not easy to do in practice. But I want you to win your husband over and not lose your marriage by putting the nails in the coffin yourself.
First I’m going to go over what NOT to do when you’re afraid your spouse will cheat, then I’ll give specific recommendations for you.
1. Do NOT repeatedly ask for reassurance your spouse is faithful.
The first mistake people make when they are trying to prevent an affair is they look for reassurance from their spouse that nothing is *EVER* going to happen with that person.
If you were here reading this before that conversation, I would tell you to avoid having it. Since I know that’s probably already happened, don’t rehash it. Pretend it never happened.
Getting your spouse to reassure you that they are faithful and nothing will ever happen is based on the concept that if you can just get your spouse to promise you’re the only one, forever, hard enough, that it will make it so.
The very insecurity in the act drives your spouse away because it’s based on lack and firmly places your spouse in the driver’s seat for your whole relationship.
It implies that they are on the edge of doing something and also that you might not trust them.
Plenty of falsely accused, faithful spouses have told me that eventually they got so sick of giving reassurance to their jealous partners that they eventually wanted to cheat. Since they were already getting loads of shit when they were faithful, so why not earn the browbeating?
You don’t want this to be you. That’s why looking for reassurance and trying to solve your anxiety by getting your husband to promise he’s faithful will backfire.
2. Don’t confront the other woman, man or third party either directly or indirectly through your spouse.
The next mistake people make when they are jealous and feel threatened in their relationship is they try to confront their imagined “rival.”
They either confront the third party directly, or they trash talk them to their spouse.
This only serves to make you look bad. You become that “crazy wife” this other woman is probably pretending you are, so she can ignore the guilt of attempting to seduce a married man. Don’t play into it.
Confronting the other woman or man never does what you hope it will– namely– get the third party to just back the hell off because they’ve breached your home territory.
3. Don’t overcompensate by trying to make everything SUPER PERFECT at home and walk on eggshells around your husband.
You need to hear this right now.
You don’t need to be perfect to be loved. You are already worthy of love and faithfulness just the way you are.
Suddenly acting like a Stepford wife may seem cool to your husband for about five minutes, but men are not robots. They know when something is up.
Men know when you’re coming at them from a place of genuine worth and happiness and when something is off and a woman is trying to barter for their affection.
Now that I’ve gotten through what not to do when you’re afraid your husband will cheat, let’s talk about what to do.
So what exactly should you do when you’re worried your husband will cheat?
You do nothing (and everything, which I’m going to get to in a second).
You disappear the other woman (or man) out of your existence by reaffirming your partner’s very real and tangible love for you and then acting “as if.”
What do I mean by “acting as if”?
Acting as if this other woman doesn’t even exist as a concern for you… at all.
I get it. Right now, worrying about whether your husband will cheat on you with his coworker seems big and threatening and like you have to shore up your place in your husband’s heart. Worrying has taken the place of “doing” (since you feel powerless) so you’re thinking this to death and panicking.
That is the opposite of what actually works, since it’s based on scarcity and the mistaken premise that this woman has or is something better than you somehow. Also, that trying to “shore up your marriage” is what you need to be doing right now. Or, that your marriage is at risk.
These are all fears, ideas and concepts that you’re carrying around right now. Most people’s marriage is actually at about as much risk as they think it is. Which is GREAT when things are going super. However, it’s MISERABLE when you feel threatened.
Now, I know I just told you not to overcompensate. I mean that.
Do not hover around, trying to be “better” than this other woman.
No matter what kind of voodoo magic she’s doing on her skin and body, you MUST take the stance that it doesn’t matter.
You are not in competition with her at all. She’s not a rival, someone to worry about or someone to snub at the company Christmas party. She’s just a woman with a crush on a married guy who is faithful to his wife (you). She’s decidedly NOT a mythical Siren who is going to override a man’s critical thinking capabilities. If he goes, he’ll go because he wants to. And you can deal with that later.
Tell your husband you love, appreciate and respect him and show him those things on the daily. Do the best you can to actually enjoy the man you agreed to spend your life with.
Remember that? Remember enjoying him? I bet it’s been awhile. Focus on that.
For now, I want to strongly remind you of this:
You’ve already won. You’ve already arrived. You’re already the queen in your own home.
She’s the one who is at a disadvantage here, no matter how gorgeous, rich, accomplished, sweet and talented she is.
…As long as you remember how you got here.
And, I’ll bet you did that by being loveable, adorable and respectful to your husband. These are all things you have access to at this very moment.
Do not even discuss her with him, above and beyond listening attentively if he wants to talk about it.
I mean, never bring her up ever, UNLESS, you find actual evidence he’s cheating on you.
Then, should you discover your husband has cheated on you, you can decide whether you want to accept him or reject him for betraying your contract for monogamy in your relationship.
For now though, even if she’s having a meltdown on your front lawn– pretend she does not exist.
Let him handle her advances himself. Which, up until now– he’s done well. He’s even told you all about it. I appreciate that. He was really honest with you about being tempted and chose you.
Trust him and respect him as your husband. He married you for a reason.
When people feel jealous and threatened, they morph into the worst versions of themselves which are decidedly *NOT* who their loved one signed up for forever with.
This jealous, insecure, needy wife is the one who ultimately gets left for the other woman.
Next stop is to renew your attraction and love for yourself.
The person you need to be right now is the absolute BEST version of yourself. The version who is happy, respectful, unconcerned, focused on herself and not worried about any other woman seducing her husband.
That’s the most powerful and attractive version of you. And that’s who will win right now. Not the version of you who is checking up and using all this energy and mindshare to prevent something you’re afraid is inevitable.
If your husband truly violates your trust or leaves you, that will be on him but you WILL NOT prevent your husband from cheating by letting this jealousy take over your life right now.
The biggest, worst mistake people make when they find themselves worrying their spouse will cheat is that they cave into their more base instincts and start trying to protect themselves.
And it is THIS attention to fear and lack that drives their loved one away even further. It’s that fear, panic and flinching that often seals the deal.
Because no one who REQUIRES love is loveable.
Romantic love is absolutely killed by duty and obligation. The more you even attach to this other woman as a possibility, the closer you get to killing the love, which is exactly what would keep him coming back to you in the first place.
And quit picturing your husband and this other woman together in any way, shape or form.
You’re the queen and this upstart is nobody.
Also, there are lots of love blocks that keep will keep you stuck and feeling insecure about losing your relationship. To find out the 7 blocks to manifesting love and what you can do about them, sign up for my free masterclass here.
If you want to talk more about your situation and get my coaching, guidance and help, book coaching here.
Also, here’s to sending you the ULTRA attractive vibes I know you’re totally capable of connecting with.
Let me know how it goes.