A question I get asked a lot by my readers is:
“If my ex really wants me back, why don’t they grovel? Why doesn’t he try to PROVE his love? He hurt me so much and all I really want is to know that it’s for real this time.” or “why is he doing all of this STUFF that doesn’t make sense?”
And, when your ex is hanging around– sending you confusing messages about how they “sneezed and thought of you,” its easy to wonder what the heck they are doing.
Is what they are doing a sign your ex wants you back and won’t admit it or are they just bored and looking for an ego boost?
Plus, the thinking goes, if your ex really wanted you back, why don’t they just admit it? And, if they really meant it, wouldn’t they show you by doing a grand gesture like in the movies?
The reality is, dramatic grand gestures by one’s ex are more likely to be met with shock, horror and rejection than actual reconciliation.
Like so many things in life, our expectation of what someone should do, simply doesn’t often live up to the reality.
The “grand gesture” is often not that grand. When your ex wants you back, their return is more likely to look like a whimper rather than a roar.
Your ex might have prayed day and night that you’ll call for the last 52 days.
They may have constructed a shrine in your honor.
They might be consulting their favorite tarot reader and using internet love spells.
…But… when your ex wants you back but won’t admit it, most often what they do is MUCH different than what you expect or feel you deserve.
In the beginning of a potential reconciliation, this puts your relationship into a weird, awkward limbo-zone where you aren’t sure what they are doing but they are definitely doing SOMETHING (usually very, very slowly), and it’s super confusing for everyone.
This happens because of your exe’s ego and a concept called cognitive dissonance.
Let’s tackle cognitive dissonance first.
Cognitive dissonance is defined as “the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.”
Basically, what someone thinks and believes doesn’t line up with their actions and they feel like crap until they get it resolved.
This internal struggle usually manifests as extreme self sabotage until the person gets it sorted out.
Say your ex broke up with you. For the sake of argument, say over the next few weeks or months, they slowly decide they can’t live without you.
They will naturally try to make their actions line up with their beliefs— until the pain of NOT reversing the decision is too great.
For a while, they will stay broken up and not be ready to try to get back together since that action matches their past beliefs.
They won’t want to go back on their word (“I want to breakup. This relationship is not working.”), even though once the pain of missing you becomes too great, they might change their mind down the road.
The situation will bother your ex until they do something– one way or another– but the seeds of doubt have to take root before any that can happen.
This is why when an ex is on the verge of changing their mind, their behavior looks weird, hesitant and might give you the ick.
Rejection represents a HUGE risk to the ego. Even if they dumped you.
It’s a rare person who can put themselves out there and try a grand gesture because fear of rejection plus the uncertainty of how you’ll take it will naturally stifle all but one’s most feeble attempts.
Plus, the grand gesture usually does not work very well because exes aren’t ready for that yet. Just know, even if you THINK you want a grand gesture, usually it will turn you off.
This is because no one maintains a “grand gesture” level of attention toward their relationship for the long term. We just aren’t made that way.
So, if your ex just reached out a little bit (a one-off call or text) and doesn’t go for a dramatic grand gesture, they can feel you out and ease themselves into the idea of contacting you more. Safety is important here.
If you ignore or reject them outright, then they have a plausible reason to run away scared and give up.
And, they can now tell themself you, “weren’t into getting back together,” instead of, “I never even tried to get back together.”
Not even trying hurts worse than doing something super small, scaring yourself about whatever result you get and then giving up.
That’s why figuring out whether your ex might want you back is like reading a foreign language with no translation.
An ex who wants you back but won’t admit it is likely to do the opposite of what you expect. That’s probably why you’re here, reading this, right? Well, let me help you out.
Here are four signs your ex wants you back but won’t admit it (yet).
1. They stay in touch with you even though they don’t have to.
If you have a child or business together, it stands to reason that you and your ex would remain in contact— but this can remain very business-like.
Usually exes fear that if they let you go completely, then you’ll be gone for good. This is confusing because the breakup might even have been their idea. So it’s logical to think that breaking up with you would mean you will not be in each other’s lives.
However, people usually break up to get out of pain or because they want another opportunity at a better love story. They might think they don’t know how to make your relationship good, so they give up.
This does NOT usually mean that your ex hates you and never wants to see you again unless you did something horrible.
So they may pop up and suggest little activities and say vague things like, “oh hey, I saw this thing that reminded me of you.” They might also act on things they said during the breakup about wanting to stay friends with you.
If they are trying to be around you, they keeping that door propped open– even though they might also be actively trying to move on and dating other people.
2. Your ex is emotional about you.
Having any feelings at all toward you is a hell of a lot better sign your ex wants you back but won’t admit it than if they have NO feelings toward you.
If they are still feeling hurt or angry enough to bother confronting you, that is actually a good sign if you are still open to seeing where things go.
The reason why this is relevant is because arguing over a dead relationship is just a pain in the ass.
In the words of Elie Wiesel, “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”
One thing here– you shouldn’t put up with any abusive or angry tirades from your ex. The point of what I’m saying here is not that you should accept whatever abusive treatment your ex dishes out and then try to pretend it’s a good sign.
And, like I said above about your ex doing little things is your direction, they might be very subtle about displaying their emotions.
It can be as small as you getting the sense that they are jealous and trying to figure out if you’re dating someone new, or holding their breath as you tell them about your hot new Yoga instructor.
This is particularly true in the case of men. Men will be VERY careful about showing emotion toward their exes because they are used to being the initiators in relationships and are well aware of the potential for rejection.
If you know your ex to be a relatively non-emotional person, these things can be a sign he wants you back but won’t admit it.
3. Your ex keeps explaining the breakup and/or apologizing.
When someone can’t stand you, they are not going to repeatedly discuss what went wrong in your relationship.
Instead, they will make the breakup speech and try their hardest to never see you again.
Someone who still cares will often keep returning to re-hash what went wrong.
This can be a way to satisfy their guilt over dumping you, but it can also mean that they are trying to get you back or at least see where things go.
4. He shares his self-improvement plans with you.
Has your ex started losing weight, gotten a tan, and started playing that sport you mentioned wanting to try?
Better yet, do they seem intent on sharing all of these vivid details about all of the changes they have made in their new life after the breakup?
Often, in an attempt to right the wrongs of a failed relationship, an ex will try to change ALL of the questionable things about themselves in an attempt to both feel better and re-attract you.
One of the most endearing conversations I ever had with my own partner was when he called out of the blue (9 months after our confusing breakup) and told me all about he was learning to cook.
He had also lost a ton of weight, gotten a dog and revolutionized his life.
During our relationship, he had stubbornly claimed to be useless in the kitchen and seemed to have no interest in making big life changes.
It’s also worth sharing that we had a few stops and false starts that went on for a LONG time after this conversation. It wasn’t like he called me up, apologized and then was completely consistent afterwards.
And, I see this all the time with my 1:1 coaching clients. If your ex secretly wants another chance, they will go out of their way to share their self improvement plans with you.
Self improvement serves several purposes. Breakups are powerful catalysts for change, whether you miss your ex or not.
When an ex is flaunting “all of the amazing changes they made” they are trying to reclaim a bit of their self esteem and show off.
Also, if you were the one who dumped them, they will try to compensate for whatever reason they imagine you broke up with them.
For example, it’s like saying, “well you said you don’t like blue towels, so here’s the green ones you always wanted.”
All of these signs your ex wants you back but won’t admit it mean that your ex still cares about what you think– which isn’t a small step from getting back together.
Even if your ex has totally failed at doing a grand gesture.
