“How do you be vulnerable if she says that she has a dual personality of liking hanging out with me because it is fun, but the other side is wanting to be single and focus just on her and did no relationship?”
What’s going on here is she doesn’t believe that she can have both, right?
She doesn’t believe that she can have a relationship with you and also to be able to prioritize whatever her own needs might be.
You have to look at yourself and say, “Is there a way that I’m bringing myself to these interactions that could be causing her to think that she has to choose one or the other? Why can’t it be both? Does it have to be either/or?”
If there is some sort of neediness that could be causing your ex girlfriend to think:
“If I’m in a relationship with you, then it’s going to require all of this time and energy. I’m just not going to have enough time to focus on me.”
Then the neediness thing is going to be something that you want to work on.
Again, there is a very big difference between neediness and being vulnerable.
You don’t have to totally shut down and pretend you have no feelings, act disinterested, pretend you’re hard to get and pretend that you couldn’t care less about her.
You can share how you feel.
You can share what you want.
You can share what you’re experiencing as long as you take ownership for it rather than expecting her to somehow be the remedy for whatever emotion you’re going through or the remedy for whatever missing parts that you feel in your life.
That can actually bring the two of you closer together and allow her to get to know you while still being able to do whatever she needs to do in her own life and actually have a great relationship with you.
But, you have to be able to own your experience without offloading that onto somebody else.
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