Breakups are tricky. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy say and do things that we don’t mean.
Over the decade plus that I’ve helped people save their relationships as a transformative coach, there are some important mistakes you will want to avoid if you want another chance.
To get another chance with your ex in the future, making your breakup as amicable and graceful as possible will improve your chances.
Avoid doing these 25 things if you don’t want to be known as “the crazy ex” and have zero chance of getting back together:
1. Inventing bizarre reasons to contact your ex.
Sometimes, the urge to reach out can lead us to grasp at straws.
Remember, needing to retrieve your forgotten facial cleanser or the sock you left under their bed isn’t a genuine reason to get in touch.
2. “Accidentally” (on purpose) running into them.
“Weird, I was randomly in your neighborhood, 25 miles away from my house.”
Running into your ex should happen by chance, not choice.
Driving 25 miles out of your way to “accidentally” have coffee across the street from their book club meeting isn’t casual— it’s calculated.
3. Constantly hanging out at places you used to go together.
“This is MY bar.”
While it can be tempting to revisit places you enjoyed visiting together, this can keep you stuck in the past. You will be better off leaving any shared territory alone for awhile as the memories fade.
4. Stalking (cyber or otherwise).
“I’m going to just see what they are up to…”
I see this all the time when I’m coaching someone who wants to save their relationship.
Keeping tabs on your ex’s every move online or in real life might seem harmless, but it will keep you stuck.
You can’t break the habit of thinking about your ex all the time when you are tracking their every move.
5. Deleting or blocking your ex on social media, then using your friend’s profile to see what they are up to.
“Hey, we’ve got to find out who that mystery person commenting on their profile is…”
Cutting ties with your ex on social media should mean taking a step back, not finding alternate ways to keep yourself in the loop.
6. Talking to your ex’s friends about them.
“So… I wanted to talk to you about your buddy. What’s he up to?”
Reaching out to your mutual friends to find out about your ex can place your friends in an uncomfortable position. For everyone’s sake, try to spare your friends from post-breakup drama.
7. Contacting your ex’s parents.
“I wanted to call to see if your daughter is okay, since she broke up with me last Tuesday.”
While you might have developed a bond with your exe’s family, contacting them after your breakup can be awkward and drive your ex even further away.
It’s wise to give everyone space.
8. Trying to apologize for everything that went wrong.
“IT’S AALLLLLLLLLL MY FAULT! I have failed you in every way imaginable.”
Apologizing can be part of healing, but overdoing it might signal that you’re not ready to move on.
If you truly did something wrong and have sincerely apologized once after the breakup, that is enough. It’s time to quit rehashing the past.
9. Emotional outbursts.
Ever sobbed loudly in the Target makeup aisle? I have. It didn’t help.
It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and upset after a breakup, but be particularly careful about the emotions you show in front of your ex. I’ve met many coaching clients who were mortified at the way they acted when they got emotional after the breakup.
You will not make your ex love you again by showing them how upset you are.
10. Initiating awkward “WHY?” conversations. Begging.
“WHHHYYYYYYY did you give up on us???”
Begging your ex to reconsider or asking your ex ‘why’ repeatedly won’t change the outcome. However, it can prolong the pain for both of you. To feel better and have any chances, you will have to accept the breakup.
Trying to get closure from your ex or begging them for another chance so you can fix all your mistakes will only keep both of you stuck.
11. Trying to get revenge.
“I’m going to get back at them for daring to leave me.”
Revenge might seem sweet, but it usually backfires and leaves you feeling worse. You will respect yourself more in the long run when you take the high road, even if you have to grit your teeth in the present.
12. Destroying your ex’s stuff.
“If I ruin everything, THEY WILL FINALLY REALIZE I LOVE THEM!!”
Destroying your exe’s things is illegal and a sign you have lost control. Go to a smash room if you want to smash things.
Otherwise, if seeing your exe’s things is this upsetting, ask a friend or family member to help sort out giving your exe’s stuff back and any other post-breakup logistics.
13. Gossiping about your ex.
Spreading rumors or airing your exe’s dirty laundry will only continue the drama and negativity between you.
Keep things classy. Focus on healing from the breakup instead of dragging your ex through the mud.
14. “Accidentally” texting them.
You: “Hey sexy.”
Your ex: “Um… Hi?”
You: “Oops, that was meant for someone else.”
Sending a text and pretending it was meant for someone else makes you seem petty, desperate or both. Either choose to communicate with your ex or not, but don’t play childish games.
15. Obsessively staying in contact.
“I just wanted to let you know, I’m going to the dry cleaners.”
Sending your ex constant updates about everything you are doing won’t be the thing that saves your relationship.
In over a decade of coaching, I’ve seen plenty of clients get threatened with restraining orders or worse when they insisted on staying in constant contact.
Back off and give both of you the space to heal.
16. Refusing to accept reality.
“It’s not over until I say it’s over.”
Denial is a common reaction to a breakup, but telling your ex “it’s not over” definitely won’t change the situation. This attitude will only drive them further away.
Accepting the breakup is key to moving forward– whether you want to get your ex back or not.
17. Getting jealous and acting it out.
“I just can’t handle that you have a dog that you love more than me!”
Jealousy is a painful emotion, but acting on it with your ex can destroy all progress you have been making with moving on.
Work through your feelings about the breakup privately, with a trusted friend, therapist or coach.
18. Trying to make your ex jealous.
“I’ll just have all of these people from the club tag me in their photos. My ex will see them on Insta. I’ll show them what they are missing out on.”
Using others to try and make your ex jealous is unfair to everyone involved. Building a life you love is the best way to move forward.
19. Creating elaborate theories about your ex.
“They must have been a narcissist who was secretly in love with our neighbor the whole time.”
Building elaborate theories about why things ended or what your ex is really thinking can create unnecessary drama and keep you stuck. Focus on basic facts, reality and your own healing.
20. Plotting ways to drive your ex’s new flame away.
“I’m just going to call their new flame and tell him they have to stop dating my ex.”
Interfering in your ex’s new relationships is intrusive and usually backfires. In my experience, when someone confronts their exe’s new partner, it turns their ex off and drives them further away. Doing things like this is how you get the police called on you. Stay away from your exe’s rebound relationship.
21. Drunk dialing.
“I wanted to *hic* tell you that *hic* I MISS U BABE.”
Making late-night calls to your ex might feel urgent, but they rarely lead to anything good.
Keep your phone out of reach when you’re feeling vulnerable or under the influence. Your future self will thank you.
22. Suggesting that you get together just for intimacy.
“So.. wanna get together?”
Falling into bed with your ex can seem like a tempting way to reconnect but usually it confuses things and keeps both of you stuck.
If you truly want to get back together, you will be most likely to be successful when you renew your emotional connection with your ex, not your physical one.
23. Using the idea that you “have nothing left to lose” to justify any behavior you know is wrong.
“It doesn’t matter anymore, I’m going to go to their house and cry on their doorstep. Then they will finally know it’s meant to be.”
Avoid making nay decisions you might regret later.
Even if you already know you never, ever want to get back together, I’ve never met anyone who was proud they acted crazy after a breakup.
24. Obsessing over old pictures and memories of you together.
“We looked so perfect together!”
While reminiscing over your old memories can be comforting, it will keep you stuck in the past.
It’s time to move on and create new, fresh experiences.
25. Comparing yourself to their rebound relationship or their exes before you.
“I think I’m sooo much hotter…. why did they dump meeeeee?!?”
Comparing yourself to your exe’s other relationships is a game you will lose.
Even if you figure out you were exactly 110% hotter, this doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that you are not together right now.
Wondering about other people in your exe’s life is just another way to stay stuck and focused on them.
Cool, calm and collected is the best way to handle yourself during every single interaction with them.
If you want another chance, your ex can’t miss you and fantasize about wanting you back if you’re smothering them and sacrificing your self respect.
It sounds strange, but to have any potential to get back together with your ex, you actually need to get over them so to create a fresh start.
Without clearing out the baggage from the old relationship, the hurt and resentment will just bubble back into your pairing once the relationship takes off again.
No matter whether you want another chance or not, the best way to move forward is to remove your focus from them and that starts with avoiding the things I just mentioned.
To get my help reconnecting your relationship, check out my current coaching options here.
