Breakups are one of the most lonely, personal losses possible.
In my experience as a relationship coach, it’s incredibly common for people to be stuck on their exes for months, even years after a relationship ends.
And, the suffering usually lasts longer than people think it should. It’s almost taboo to hold on, so people bury their feelings.
Breakups are one of the most personal losses there is.
As much as they might care, our families and friends can’t empathize in the same way as if someone died. After all, it doesn’t affect your great aunt Sally very much when your partner moves out of your home.
However, getting past being stuck on an ex is a key part of feeling better and moving on.
But how do you get out of this cycle if you don’t realize it’s happening? It’s impossible to know what you don’t know yet.
That’s why I want to share 15 of the most common signs you aren’t over your ex.
This way, you can get on the path to moving on or do something to try and repair the relationship.
1. They are the first person you contact when something happens.
While you were together, thinking of your ex and sharing things with them simply became a habit. This is normal because your partner was the closest person to you. You probably shared the usual comings and goings of your life.
That’s why, if you’re still not over your ex, you will probably reflexively think to share things with them first.
Even if you don’t act on it, it takes time to break the habit of thought about your ex as the person you share everything with and automatically think to contact when things are happening.
If you truly want to move on from the old relationship, it’s important to actually separate from them.
2. You are dragging your feet on tying up loose ends.
Have you tied up lose ends with your ex? Gotten your belongings separated?
Are you still obsessing about some small thing that you left with them?
Do you think about getting it back or wonder if they’ll contact you for it?
Sometimes the “stuff” can become an emotional placeholder for their presence in your life.
If you haven’t moved out/claimed your dog/sorted out your mutual finances, there is no time like right now to start getting it sorted out.
It might feel bad right now but in the long run, the sooner you sort things out, the better for both of you.
3. You compare everyone to them.
Your ex has taken on the position of “Gold Standard” when it comes to future mates.
Each new person has to measure up to your memory of your ex.
If you’re finding yourself comparing everyone to them without even purposefully doing so, do your best to break this habit.
4. You’re boozing it up.
Closing the bar down every night in the wake of your breakup?
Using the bar as a place to meet potential rebounds?
A breakup can trigger a period of rapid-fire partying that only seems to end when you’ve either burned out your liver, your bank account or your feelings for your ex.
5. You agonize about running into them.
The idea of running into your ex triggers either pleasant feelings, violent avoidance or the desire to make sure that you look perfect if it happens.
You shiver in horror at the idea that you might not handle the remote possibility of an accidental meeting the right way.
In the same vein, you mentally assess whether locations that you went together are now “yours” or “theirs.” You’ve been overheard mentioning that you can’t visit “their bar.”
Once you’re finally over your ex, you won’t even think about what they’re doing or what will happen if you accidentally see them in public.
6. You’re obsessed with self improvement.
Breakups can be powerful catalysts for change. In fact, I’ve gotten the biggest growth of my life after losing significant relationships.
But obsessive self improvement after a breakup is a little bit different.
Is there something that bothered your ex or that you know they would have liked to do with you when you were still together?
Suddenly, it’s your new hobby/fitness routine/obsession.
Don’t let me discourage you from getting a new job, getting fit or cleaning your home, just realize that once you do, your ex isn’t automatically going to waltz back into your life.
7. You stalk their social media.
Just can’t bring yourself to delete your ex from social media?
Do you find yourself reading and analyzing their every status update, trying to divine their feelings about your split?
Your ex is are probably not sending you coded secret messages. It’s time to houseclean your social media, for your sanity. Or at least log out for a while.
Everyone knows that you’re talking about your ex when you like and share a bunch of posts about “recent heartbreak.”
8. You are overly curious about their new flame and binge on comparison.
When you find out that they’re dating someone new, you not only need details but automatically begin comparing them to yourself.
There is an element of comparison, either their new flame is a demigod who you’re completely jealous of, or is practically a bridge troll.
Either way, it’s downright puzzling why they don’t just return to you instead of dating that new, inferior creature they have rebounded with.
9. You’re openly looking for a rebound.
The words “you can’t get over them until you get on someone else” have led to gazillions of poorly chosen rebound relationships.
And, there is a big grain of truth in the idea that moving on with someone new can make it easier to get over someone else.
However, there is a big difference between trying to use a new person and genuinely wanting to be with a new person.
If you’re trying to find someone to fill the void, it’s a big sign that you might need to heal from the breakup before involving other people in your heartbreak.
10. You bring them up casually in conversation… often.
Your patient friends and family are still hearing about your ex all the time.
It’s almost like your ex is just on vacation, since they know your thoughts about every single agonizing detail about your feelings, their feelings, your lack of closure, the status of the entertainment center you left at your exe’s house, etc.
11. You can’t bear to get rid of your exe’s pictures or gifts.
Have you ever found yourself crying and wearing his old sweatshirt on a Saturday night while clutching a fairground teddy bear he won for you? Is it just me?
If this has happened to you, don’t be ashamed, it’s common to have a few things that you have a hard time getting rid of.
It’s time to box up anything that reminds you of your ex and either sprint to the nearest dumpster or hide the box (note: the middle of your living room is not “hidden”).
You don’t need reminders around as a temptation to soggily stumble down memory lane.
12. Hooking up with your ex seems like a good idea.
Being intimate with your ex will not help you get over them. It will make it harder to break the connection.
If you’re still getting together for intimacy on a consistent basis, you are basically prolonging the time it will take to get over them.
13. You’re reminded of your ex constantly.
Songs on the radio, places, badminton, strangers, new dates, all seem to remind you of your ex.
Maybe you chose the house that you’re now living in together and it stands as a constant reminder of them.
Whatever it is, they keep popping into your mind at the worst times.
If this is happening to you, please know that moving your attention away from these thoughts is the only real pathway forward. If you remove your focus, eventually these thoughts will die down. If you keep ruminating about your ex, it will take longer to move on.
14. You need “closure.”
The imaginary need for closure has kept more people stuck than it has helped.
Getting perfect closure is the endangered species of the relationship kingdom.
It’s super rare, and usually you have to give it to yourself.
I understand the desire to want an explanation for the breakup, that is completely normal.
However, what is not helpful is wanting “closure” because you hope that if you change what went wrong between you, it will be possible to renew the relationship.
15. You refuse to delete their number (and you’re in a situation where you could).
I understand if you have kids or a business to run that requires semi-regular contact. It makes total sense that you wouldn’t delete their number in that case.
However, if you actually COULD delete your ex since you don’t have any reason to be in touch like children or shared business, then it’s time to consider deleting their phone number.
This way, you can finally move on to the next chapter of your life.
