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Wondering “How To Save My Marriage?” Here’s The Complete Guide
Hi, Brad Browning here. I’m a marriage and breakup expert from Vancouver, Canada and today I’m going to teach you how to prevent separation or divorce and save your marriage.
This is obviously a huge topic, and I’m going to cover as much as I can today. Sit tight, because I’m going to teach you things that most couples will never know about building a loving marriage.
First of all, let me tell you who this is for.
This is for people whose husband or wife has announced that they’re no longer happy in the marriage.
Your spouse may have said painful things like, “I’m just not happy anymore”, “I don’t love you”, or “I’m leaving you” or maybe they have already left you. If you’re wondering, “how do I save my marriage?” this is for you.
No matter what the case is, I know how extremely difficult, stressful, and heartbreaking this situation is. I know how hopeless you might feel at this very moment.
I’m going to start off by telling you that there is a light at the end of the long tunnel and with the proper guidance, help, and attitude, it is possible to turn your marriage around despite how adamant your spouse may be on divorce.
I’ve seen thousands of so called “hopeless” couples turn their marriages around, and I know exactly how they did it. That being said, rebuilding a broken marriage is a rocky road. Sometimes, things can get worse before they get better, and it takes a lot of devotion on your part to make things better.
However, I promise you that if follow my advice very closely, you’ll have the best chance possible of rebuilding the marriage that you and your spouse deserve.
Before I get into what to do to save your marriage, I first need to tell you about what not to do.
Now the vast majority of married couples that I coach commit almost all of these very damaging mistakes I am about to talk about.
I know that some of you may be in a situation where your spouse isn’t willing to work on your marriage, but in a minute, I’ll tell you why that’s actually okay, and why it’s even more important for you to learn these common mistakes before you go down the road of rebuilding a newer, happier marriage.
Now some of the stuff you may already know, but it’s important to remember these mistakes before you cause any further damage to your marriage, and these are tips that will have an immediate impact on your relationship. I like to call these marriage mistakes my “Big Marital Mistakes”.
Big Marital Mistakes To Avoid At All Costs
1. Initiating needless conflict with your spouse.
When you’re trying to fix a broken marriage and you’re feeling desperate, things can spiral out of control very easily.
You think that if you could just talk to your spouse about all your problems and find common ground, your marriage would magically fix itself and get better. But usually, this isn’t the case, and it’s not how it happens.
While communicating with your spouse is important in rebuilding your marriage, what your marriage does not need right now is another argument or fight.
Even if your partner says something antagonizing or wants to bring up a touchy sticky issue, just do your best to avoid conflict politely.
Don’t ignore your spouse or discount your concerns, but you need to ensure that the discussion doesn’t end up in a screaming match.
You can just say something along lines of, “I know this is a real concern right now and I want to resolve this issue, but can we discuss this later?” This is something polite to defer the argument.
In general, it’s best to try and be as non-confrontational as possible at least for now until you learn how to manage and handle your arguments later.
I’ll get to what I call my “Dispute Defusing System” a little bit later.
2. Begging and pleading.
Now the second “Big Marital Mistake” is begging and pleading, or being highly emotional, especially in public. Now I know that when emotions are running rampant, people tend to say or do things that they’ll inevitably regret. I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.
At certain times, your spouse may say or do things that will make you feel angry, upset, or sad. You need to do your absolute best to control your own emotions at these times.
Showing negative emotions will only make matters worse and will only help you sign those divorce papers even sooner. For now, it’s extremely important to just try and remain calm and live to fight another day.
3. Making drastic changes to your life or habits.
When your marriage is in a rut, it can affect your entire life immensely. Your work or school suddenly takes the back seat. In some cases, so does your health and nutrition.
For the time being, you must retain a sense of normalcy whenever possible.
If you begin floundering in life, then I can guarantee you that your marriage will begin floundering even more.
After all, nobody wants a spouse who’s always depressed, angry, or in ruins.
Instead, show how confident, strong, and bold you are by showing the world that nothing can faze you. By doing so, you’ll not only appear much more attractive to your spouse, but you’ll also ensure that you don’t damage yourself any further.
4. Nagging your spouse.
This is similar to mistake number one. You’ll want to avoid any sort of confrontation whenever possible.
It’s normal to be annoyed at your spouse every once in a while, but when your marriage is in trouble, small confrontations can easily lead to larger ones.
The last thing you need at this point is another pointless argument about nothing. The next time your spouse does something that annoys you, hold it in.
This is the time when you can start fixing your marriage on your own. In my free video presentation on my website, I’ll teach you how you can change your spouse’s behavior without nagging him or her.
For more information on how to do this, just visit my website and watch the free video presentation.
5. Being negative all the time.
Now I know it might sound like a bunch of B.S. but having a positive attitude can actually make a world of difference, not only in your marriage but in life in general.
It’s been scientifically proven that positive thinking can actually reduce stress, lower depression, and better equip you to cope with hardships. Not only this, but thinking positively actually makes you more of an attractive person to be around, and this is also, it’s been scientifically proven.
In times of great distress, for example, like being a rocky marriage— people do tend to get pessimistic.
After all, when the love of your life starts acting cold or saying hurtful things to you, it’s easy for you to take all that misplaced anger quite literally. Instead of internalizing all of this into negativity, force yourself to look at things differently.
Remember, every single marriage goes through ups and downs. The strong couples always seem to have an extremely positive attitude when handling arguments and conflict.
Now of course, this isn’t an exhaustive list of marital mistakes, so if you want to learn more about exactly what not to do in your marriage, then again, just go and watch the free video presentation on my website.
Now that we have an outline on what not to do in your marriage, we can begin talking about some of the things you can do to save your marriage on your own.
Although the list of marital problems is seemingly endless, there are several core issues that all marriages face.
How to Avoid Marriage Murdering Arguments (MMA)
At some point, both of you will disagree on an issue and a discussion will take place.
These serious discussions can sometimes escalate into full-blown wars.
I call these types of arguments MMAs, not Mixed Martial Arts, although sometimes these arguments can look a bit like an Anderson Silva fight.
MMA stands here for “Marriage Murdering Arguments” and MMAs are what rip marriages apart. To be honest, MMAs aren’t always preventable, so it’s important to learn how you can handle a serious argument as well as how to prevent them.
This is where my patented “Dispute Defusing System” comes in.
Before I get into explaining it, I first have to say that arguments are completely normal and healthy in a relationship. You’re never going to completely eliminate disagreements.
In fact, the occasional argument here and can actually be quite productive, depending on how you handle the argument and it can tie you and your spouse closer together believe or not.
Now I’ll explain the best ways to handle arguments with your spouse:
Dispute Defusing Tactic #1, Let go of the desire to always “be right”.
I know, I know, you are always right, I get it!
Some people have such a strong desire to always be right, but in a marriage, no one person is always right.
Letting go of this constant desire to be right is the first step in my Dispute Defusing System.
When you and your spouse are in a Marriage Murdering Argument, there are no winners.
You both lose because neither of you get your way and both of your feelings get hurt in the process. Even if you think you’ve won the fight, the satisfaction is fleeting, and knowing that you hurt your partner just makes the argument feel pointless.
Learning how to let go of the desire to “be right” is going to be a real test for some of you, but here’s a quick little exercise that can help you out.
The next time you are about to get into a big argument with somebody— it doesn’t have to be your spouse— try and bite your tongue.
Try and willingly admit that the other person is right even though you don’t feel that way. I promise you that if learn to just let go of the desire to always be right, you’ll reduce your “MMA frequency” and you’ll be well on your way to improving your relationship with your spouse.
Dispute Defusing Tactic #2, Learn to take breaks from arguments.
When a huge argument is simply unavoidable, you need to learn how to control its temperament, so it doesn’t turn into a full-blown MMA.
One of the best ways to do this is to take frequent breaks during an argument.
You can do this by telling your spouse that during the argument that you’d like to take a moment to cool down before you continue. Don’t simply just leave and ignore your spouse, just politely say that you need a moment to burn off some steam.
One of the best practices actually contradicts a popularly held belief. Have you ever heard the saying, “The secret to a good marriage is never to go to bed angry?”
Unfortunately, that advice is a bunch of B.S.
Sometimes if an argument remains unresolved, going to bed angry and approaching it with a fresh and rational mindset the morning after is exactly what you need.
You’ll often find that, the next day, the argument wasn’t such a big deal and you’ll just allow the situation to blow over.
Dispute Defusing Tactic #3, Learn to conduct arguments with respect.
Not resorting to name-calling during an argument, is a no brainier, right?
There are a few other things you can do during an argument that will make your argument with your spouse so much more productive and respectful.
For example, start using the word “I” instead of “You” at the start of your sentences during an argument.
For example, say you’re trying to tell your spouse that you hate it when they’re constantly late for things.
Instead of saying:
“you’re always late and you the reason why we’re late,”
Say something like:
“I think we should try and do our best to leave a little earlier.”
Really think about those two statements for a minute.
One sounds a lot less respectful than the other, doesn’t it?
By making small shifts here and there, you will be able to transform the way you communicate with your spouse. You will find that your spouse will start treating you with the same level of respect in return.
Dispute Defusing Tactic #4, Use humor during your argument.
You have to be careful with this one, but injecting some well-timed humor can de-escalate or avoid a potential argument quite effectively.
Take the last example I used. Instead of saying something like:
“You’re always the reason why we’re late.”
You could say something like the lines of:
“Honey, if we were any later, we’d have to take a pregnancy test.”
I know, that was a pretty awful joke, I’m sorry, but you get my drift. Using humor at the right time can send the right message without having you looking like a complete jerk.
These four tactics are only just a brief preview of my Dispute Defusing System. If you want to learn more about the System, just head over to my website and watch the free video presentation on my website there.
Learning how to handle and prevent arguments is only a small sliver of what you need to learn to save your marriage.
I mean, what if your marriage is in seriously dire straits?
What if your spouse has already announced that they want to leave you?
How do you convince him or her to give the marriage a second chance?
To answer these questions, you need to understand the core reasons behind why your marriage is failing to begin with.
Is there a disagreement that you two share?
Do you lack common interests, has the passion waned?
Does your idea of parenthood differ greatly than you spouses?
If so, you’re going to need more help saving your marriage than I have time for here. Go visit my website and watch the free presentation there to get started.
What If Your Spouse Has Already Told You They Want A Divorce?
What if your spouse has already announced they wanted to separate?
What if they are dead set on leaving you?
Now this is a very difficult situation that has a number of possible solutions, but there are four rules that you need to follow when your spouse says they want a divorce.
Rule #1, Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go into panic mode.
Human beings are hard-wired to feel threatened when something significant is being taken away from them.
When it comes to trying to win back a spouse, hitting the panic button will often times make things worse. This erratic behavior can push your spouse further away even faster. As difficult as it may seem at the moment, you have to maintain your composure, even if all you want to do is cry and scream.
Rule #2, Buy time.
When your partner announces that he or she wants to move on, believe me, they have thought it through.
There is nothing— at that point— that you can do or say to convince them otherwise.
The best thing to do in this situation is to try and buy as much time as possible.
Well, for a few reasons. For one, you allow your spouse time to cool down. Your spouse probably had a difficult time announcing that they wanted a divorce or separation, they are likely very emotional and thus, now is not the time to berate them about them about what happened.
If this has already happened, that’s fine, but you need to stop the begging, pleading, and overemotional outbursts as soon as possible.
The second thing about buying time allows you to come up with a solid plan for saving your marriage.
Again, marriage is a very complex topic that I cover immensely in my “Mend the Marriage” program.
Mend The Marriage is a premium e-course that teaches everything you need to know to rebuild your marriage from the ground up.
For more information about this program, just visit my website after you’re finished reading.
Rule #3, Tell them you understand, but you’re willing to go the extra mile.
You must validate your spouse’s concerns.
He or she thinks there is a serious issue in your marriage and there is no point trying to talk them out of it at this point.
Tell them that you understand, but you’re willing to save your marriage and give it a fair shot. They may or may not disagree with you at the time, but you need to make it known that you will be willing to put in the extra effort.
Rule #4, Give your spouse a little space.
It may be difficult right now, but for the next few days, give your spouse some breathing room.
Give them at least time for their emotions to settle.
At the same time, you also need space for your emotions to settle as well. Out of all of these rules, it’s important to remember rule #2, buying time the most.
Buying time is essential to saving a marriage, because it allows you time to figure out a way to and build the plan to save your marriage.
Now there’s another key issue that all marriages face that I’d like to talk about briefly, and that’s complacency.
Yes, complacency is the deadly disease that can absolutely destroy the best of marriages.
When left unchecked, complacency can lead to divorce in just a matter of months. I know because I’ve seen it happen all too often.
In between trying to manage living expenses, work, stress, and maybe even children, making an effort to spend quality time with your spouse can take a back seat.
It is fully understandable and okay once in a while. After all, life can get pretty hectic, but we simply cannot allow ourselves to forget about the most important person in our life.
Here are a few simple actions that you can take right now to make sure that complacency doesn’t creep in and further destroy your marriage.
How to Combat Complacency In Your Marriage
Complacency Killer Tip# 1, Force a meaningful conversation every once in a while.
Having an open, honest, and respectful conversation on a regular basis can help us overcome a lot of relationship problems.
Ensure yourself that you don’t turn this conversation into a touchy subject, but try and learn from each other. Ask your spouse about topics that you might not have talked about before.
I know this may seem difficult if you’ve been in a relationship with this person for a long time, but brainstorm. There are a number of things you can ask about and your spouse would love to talk to you about.
Complacency Killer Tip #2, Start being a little selfish, in the right way.
Now this tip probably sounds a bit weird, but what I’m really referring to is taking care of yourself. Go to the gym, eat better, focus on making yourself a better person, not for your spouse, but for yourself. Do it for your own reasons.
Complacency Killer Tip #3, Show your love and affection.
Simply saying, “I love you” isn’t enough anymore.
Instead, show your spouse how much you love them with simple gestures.
Show excitement when you see each other, hold hands, make eye contact, and just keep that spark alive.
I know this one might be a little difficult depending on what situation you’re in, but keep this tip in mind moving forward, no matter where your marriage is at right now.
Complacency Killer Tip #4, Go on adventures.
Now the easy thing for me to say in this segment is just “plan a regular date night.” You’ve probably already heard that advice before, but date nights can feel too routine.
What you need to do is plan something extraordinary.
It doesn’t have to flashy or expensive, but you can let your imagination run wild with this one. Maybe plan a picnic on the top of a mountain, or maybe try going on a ATV tour.
Depending on where you’re at with your spouse, doing these things may not always be an option. Keep these tips in mind when things do eventually improve between you and your spouse to prevent future complacency for creeping into your marriage.
Complacency Killer Tip #5, Use the element of surprise.
Routine equals boring, especially when it comes to sex, conversation, or dates.
Using the element of surprise is a super easy way to destroy routine and rouse positive emotions.
Let your imagination run wild with this one as well and surprise your lover with something they would never expect.
Of course, this isn’t a totally exhaustive list of “Complacency Killers”, but it’s a good start.
That does it for today. I know I’ve said it a few times, but if you’re still wondering, “can I save my marriage?” you really should check out the free video presentation on my website as well, promise it’s worth your time.
Thanks so much and I’ll talk to you soon!