Hi, I’m Elizabeth Stone. Here’s today’s question:
My question is why do men tell their partner to stay away from guys? What’s their reason for that?
The first thing I want to point out is that you asked this as though all men make rules for their partners like this.
It’s a slippery slope to believe in a generalization as you have in this question.
Even if this keeps happening to you.
You don’t have to accept this behavior. You don’t have to be with anyone who tries to control your time outside your relationship.
Do not expect poor behavior and then make generalizations about it.
Now, depending on the particular man we’re talking about, generally this kind of controlling behavior is jealousy and mate guarding behavior. It’s pretty simple.
Controlling people are worried that they’ll lose something they want if they don’t claim what they imagine to be as their territory.
And, jealousy (or fear with a side of control) is one of the most interesting emotions, because it tends to destroy the very thing it is afraid of losing.
To the person experiencing it, jealousy says, “if you stay away from other guys, they can’t get you and I (the partner man) will be safe from someone else taking you away from me.”
In reality, the very insecurity behind jealousy tends to turn people off.
Eventually, restrictive control usually just makes the other person want to run for freedom.
That’s why showing jealousy with a mate is such a poor choice.
The other person is saying “I’m a spoiled brat who can’t stand not to get my way!” It’s insecure and not very attractive.
This is why I wanted to make the distinction at first that generalizing about this is likely to make you accept this behavior.
And, while human beings can be a very insecure bunch, accepting controlling behavior from it doesn’t have to be something you choose to live with.
I would look at someone treating me this way as a giant red flag– and I respect my partner loads. So, if this is happening to you, you don’t have to accept it.
And, if you’re watching this and know you have a jealous, controlling streak, I want to say very clearly:
Controlling behavior does not make anyone love you more. And, people tend to resent it when their partners act controlling in this way. It’s not cute to be clingy and controlling.
So if you’re trying to quarantine your mate from other people– you might want to rethink this strategy.
If your partner chooses to cheat and betray you, that’s on them.
You can’t prevent it by trying to keep them away from other people and it’s not your job to do so.
You can get through the discomfort of feeling afraid and jealous without acting on it.
It’s okay to feel your feelings, but you will ruin your relationships in the long term if you believe your thoughts when you’re feeling triggered and jealous.
That being said, get a partner who trusts you and themselves enough to manage their shadow side.
To find out three ways women accidentally sabotage their relationships with men, check out my free masterclass 3 Innocent Mistakes Women Make With Men.
