Today I have an interesting topic that is kind of surprising. This is something that is so simple yet so powerful.
There is something women do that really turns men off.
And I am guilty of it.
I’m a coach and an expert in active listening but sometimes in my personal relationship I still mess this one up. Why? Because I’m a bit of a talker and sometimes I swear I have a little bit of ADHD. I get a little bit excited and ahead of myself.
So, what is this one thing that turns men off?
It is not listening when they’re talking.
One of the most powerful ways you can make someone feel appreciated, valued and heard is when you listen to them properly.
It’s called active listening.
Active listening is not hearing him and then thinking about what you want to say next and cutting him off or sitting at the edge of your seat, waiting so you can speak next. People know that feeling. People know that you are not there and present.
A way to make a man feel good, connected, validated and desire you more is to zip your mouth up.
Ask him a question and don’t say anything else.
There’s a reason why some women find it difficult to ask questions and be quiet.
Sometimes it’s because they don’t actually want to know the answer.
That’s right. They don’t ask questions or they ask questions but then they don’t properly listen to his response. They feed the guy potential responses because they’re fearful of what the guy might actually say.
However, when you’re talking and not listening once you’ve asked a question or after you’ve asked the question, it can make a guy feel like you actually don’t give a hoot about what he’s actually saying or has to say.
It can feel to him that you asked the question because you thought you should but you don’t really care what he thinks.
And that’s a horrible feeling.
When someone does that to you, you probably also feel annoyed and like you’re not being valued. There’s nothing more beautiful than someone holding the space for you to express your deeper feelings.
Women typically find talking easier but just because we’re talking, it doesn’t mean that we’re truly connected to our deeper emotions.
We can actually find our own emotions quite confusing. Being emotional is not necessarily being emotionally clear about how we’re feeling.
However, for most men, because they’re not so used to expressing themselves on a deeper level, when you ask them a question they need the silence to think and to actually find the words to articulate how they’re feeling.
When you allow him this silence, you’re going to find out so much more about him that’s so important and often beautiful.
You might be surprised at how much giving him the space to talk can deepen your relationship, make him feel closer to you and cause him to love and honor you more because you’ve honored him and respected his time, thoughts and his need to think and process.
The next time you want to know how a guy is thinking or feeling about something— it doesn’t have to be about you— it can be about his own life, how he’s feeling about a family member, how he’s feeling about something that happened at work, just hold the space for him and be there to connect with him. He will love you for it.
If you don’t want to piss your guy off, then don’t speak when you probably should be listening.
I’m the first to admit that I sometimes forget this. It is incredible what can actually happen when you change this. And, active listening is something that you can do with anyone in your life. It’s a very powerful skill to have. I encourage you to do this. Feeling really listened to is something that everyone loves and will also make you feel really good.
The reality is, if a guy does share something with you that you’re not comfortable with or that brings some clarity around your relationship, isn’t it better to know than not know sometimes?
Isn’t it better to know whether you’re the on the same page or not?
I want you to be with a man who wants the same thing as you.
If you’re dating a guy who’s confused about who he is, what he wants, where he’s going, and how he’s feeling about you, then if you’ve been dating for awhile you’re probably confused. If he’s hot and cold and you don’t know where you stand, really listening is powerful.
Sometimes men just aren’t aware of what they’re doing and they do really like you. They really want things to work but they’re just confused.
So, if you ask him questions about how he’s feeling, where he’s at and his perspective you might be surprised at how this creates a sense of relief and freedom in him that creates more intimacy.
So, give active listening a try. Be quiet when you need to. It can be like sitting on your hands but just hold the space for him. Even if it takes him a few minutes or longer, just sit there with him, be warm in your heart, stay confident and grounded and be there for him.
You’re probably well aware that getting him to talk about his feelings can often feel like prying open an oyster.
Sometimes what he’s NOT saying is so much important than his actual words.
Find out how to open his heart and learn exactly what you need to know that will transform even the most difficult relationship.
Watch this video I made which describes the #1 secret to getting the love and closeness you want from him.