The ultimate unfair irony of women and sex: we’re supposed to be super sexy, but not too sexy.
You know what I mean, lady friends.
That double standard where men want us to be vixens in the bedroom, but we shouldn’t want it too soon… or too much… or we are sluts without self-respect.
We are only supposed to entice men. Like a worm on a hook.
Except that hooking up quickly– like on a first date can be quite enjoyable.
In fact, research suggests that both men and women with higher self esteem had a significantly greater number of partners than low self-esteem subjects. Now, I realize correlation is not causation.
But I think it is safe to assume that we are over being the bait for a man to have his full sexual experience.
Women are sexual creatures too, and we want sex.
Great sex, even.
And maybe, just maybe, great sex on the first date.
But…. Why NOT have sex on the first date?
What’s with all this shame and taboo heaped on having sex on the first date?
As much as we may like to think society has evolved when it comes to women, sex, and relationships, we still talk about women taking the walk of shame a bit too often to convince me that we are over sexist ideas about getting it on.
Match.com released an article where they asked men about their thoughts on having sex on the first date.
One 35-year-old man wrote,
“If a girl slept with me that quickly, I would consider it a deal-breaker. Men are wired to want to sleep with others more quickly because of instant gratification. But if a woman had that little self-control, it would not bode well for the future.”
That ignorant thought right there… that is the problem.
Why can’t a woman choose when to have sex without implications of whore-ish-ness or no self-control? Are we sure that the warnings – “It will lead to heartbreak and disaster” – are even true?
If you meet your soul mate on a blind date and have sex with him that night, will you actually lose all your chances of a lifetime of bliss?
Or is fear-talk a leftover remnant of an archaic, patriarchal view of women and their sexuality?
I have been asking myself these questions and want answers to this “should you have sex on the first date?” dilemma. But I run into a problem.
I have never actually had sex on the first date.
Because of a combination of religious “save yourself” in my earlier years and my blind trust in the 3rd date “rule” later on left me without experience on the topic.
So I went straight to the source. Nine women anonymously answered my plea:
What is having first date sex really like? Should you have sex on the first date? Is it a good or a bad idea?
And they taught me a few things. Here is what I learned:
1. It May Go Terribly Wrong
Let’s start here: Sometimes the stereotype of it all going sour is true. Sex on the first date can lead to disappointment and regret. One woman wrote:
The sex was great. The overall outcome was ruinous. My heart was broken because the relationship didn’t last any longer than a few weeks. I wouldn’t recommend it.
It is hard to say that great sex is terribly wrong. But for a woman looking for a real connection, it may not be great enough to balm the wound. Here are two other women’s perspectives:
I looked for validation through sex to never find it. So, sex on the first ‘date’ (I use that term loosely because I had found that young men these days don’t know how to properly) was, for me, caused by the baggage I felt and the insecurities I had at the time.
I have done it a few different times. One turned into a relationship and we were together for 6 years and have a child. The other times I had sex on the first date we dated for a couple months and then things fizzled out. I don’t exactly regret it but get disappointed in myself sometimes. After getting to know the person I find that they didn’t deserve that part of me.
So this brings us to the million-dollar question: causation or correlation? Is first date sex the cause of disasters or would it all have happened anyway?
Say you have sex on the first date and he never calls you again. Or maybe you get into a relationship but it ends disastrously. Culturally, we tend to blame that initial sexual experience as the causes. But perhaps it was simply a correlation.
Would the first date man never call you even if you hadn’t had sex?
Maybe the chemistry just wasn’t there. Or maybe he just wanted to have one fun night.
Would the relationship have ended disastrously anyway?
Maybe he is an abusive asshole.
Or maybe you aren’t compatible.
None of these have to do with getting naked early and having sex on the first date vs. waiting it out.
Of course, the experience itself may not end well, but do not fall into the trap of believing that your “lack of self-control” was the reason you didn’t find true love.
That was obviously not the great life-long love you were supposed to have.
2. It May Go Blissfully Right
Now, let me shout this next point from the rooftops: the idea that sex on the first date will always end badly is 100% false.
Of the nine women who responded, two actually married the men they slept with on the first date.
One wasn’t even on a technical “date”. She met him and slept with him that night. They have been married for almost 10 years
Another woman married her sex on the first date partner 1 year after that first date roll in the sheets.
I adore him. It came down to the way expectations were set. Chemistry was incredible and we were very excited to share experiences and learn about each other in bed.
Not all men are as prudish as the one interviewed on Match.com.
Many men are genuinely like women, for all their complexities.
These are the men who do not see sex as their game and you as their pawn.
They love seeing a woman comfortable in her own sexuality.
With them, first date sex may be heavenly.
And don’t forget, not every woman is out there looking for Prince Charming.
Sometimes, women want sex just because women want sex. No strings attached.
In this case, it can be steamy, happy, and just what you wanted.
3. Sex on the first date It All Depends On… You
One woman says…
We spent the next four days in his bed. It’s been almost three years and we’re still together.
If we ever were to break up, I would absolutely not have a problem having sex on a first date in the future – if it feels right, go for it… there are a million different reasons to have sex with someone, and if sex happens on a first date, more power to you.
And another woman reports…
First-date (or “first encounter”) sex can often serve as a catalyst for revealing many complex emotions I’m dealing with at any given moment in my life.
That’s a roundabout way of saying that sex is often as complicated as you make it…you can walk away from a first date sexual encounter feeling either used or empowered or nothing at all.
Sure, there have been times I’ve regretted it, but other times it made me feel as though I were taking ownership over my own body…. I’ve felt like shit and had sex with people and later felt even more like shit. I’ve been on top of the world and slept with people and felt all the better for it.
And one more says…
We didn’t fall in love…Honestly looking back I don’t regret it though. It gave me the confidence I needed to get back out there and gave me the satisfaction and company I needed to ease that hard and emotional time I was going through.
Having only been with one person before, I had fallen victim to believing the things my ex told me about myself, rather than believing I was a beautiful and sexy woman.
By having sex on that first date I learned a lot about myself and ultimately accomplished what I had set out to do: regain my confidence and embrace my sexuality as a woman.
First date sex may be the best sex of your life.
Or maybe it’s disappointing.
But in the end, aren’t those often the two outcome options for our life decisions?
Eating that chocolate cake may be mind-blowing or disappointing too.
Taking that job may be the best decision you have ever made or one that failed to fulfill.
The point is, there is no universal experience when it comes to having sex on the first date.
As much as this means you may indeed end up heartsick, it also means that you may have the time of your life or even meet your main squeeze.
Or, perhaps, sex on the first date could be an empowering experience that reconnects you to your own body.
How to have sex n the first date without giving yourself lasting regrets.
Now that you know having sex on the first date is neither inherently good or bad, but an option you are more than willing to choose, exactly how does one have sex on the first date?
I mean.. without feeling awful and used afterwards?
It’s simple really.
1. Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you want to have sex with this person tonight?
- Are you feeling safe?
- Are you feeling good?
- Do you feel turned on?
- Are you sober enough to make wise choices about safe sexual practices and to fully consent?
If you have answered yes to all these questions, move on to step two.
2. Then… either decide to have sex on the first date. Or don’t.
Sex is not bad or dirty (other than the fun dirty, of course).
Have it if you want to. Or say “not now” if you aren’t liking the idea.
But don’t avoid sex because you think it makes you a slut or will make your soul mate slip through your fingers. It doesn’t, and it won’t.
For too many centuries, men have dictated what was okay for women to do or to not do sexually.
If you don’t want to be the worm on a hook anymore, then own your sexuality.
Take all that listening to the negative shame talk and exchange it for listening to your gut.
While you are at it, make sure you aren’t hurting your sisters by dissing them for when they owned their sex lives.
Stay smart, stay aware. And have sex when you want with the person you want within the timeframe you want.
That doesn’t mean you lack self-control.
Quite the opposite!
That puts you entirely in control. It means you are a woman who knows what she wants, which is always sexy.
