There are some really good reasons to avoid dating a married man BESIDES the glaringly obvious, 100%, completely valid moral argument.
When we shame people and use morality as a coverall, the other rationale behind why one should stay far away often get lost.
It also makes the whole thing into a race to get the other person to leave their spouse to justify the whole thing.
Then people say, “it was true love, it was MEANT TO BE.”
The problem is, even IF he leaves his wife for you— whitewashing the morality/shame issue— you’re still picking wrong.
That’s why it’s so important to talk about the OTHER reasons why creating a relationship with someone married is bad news.
There are rational self interest reasons WHY that married dude is a terrible choice.
And, when we’re talking about love, it’s really hard to get to reach people’s rational self interest if we just use shame.
For a moment, let’s set aside the judgment part of why you shouldn’t date a married person and talk about the other consequences of dating a married guy.
1. He doesn’t have much time for you.
Between his job, his family and his other everyday responsibilities, it’s unlikely that you’ll get a real shot at his weekends or nights off.
There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to provide you with a full relationship.
Your interactions will take on a boring, same ‘ol quality, since you are limited in times you can be in public and the hours of the day that you can share.
2. The intrigue, sneaking around thing distracts you from serious compatibility holes.
Sometimes the emotional, forbidden fruit thing takes over, and before you know it, you’re so hooked on the illicit intrigue of the whole affair that you miss the fact that there isn’t much there besides sex and sneaking around.
Real compatibility INCLUDES the fact that they are single and could have a full relationship with you, not something part-time.
3. Are you really living your life to the fullest?
I like to think about things I’m doing in terms of if I saw this on the front page of the NY Times, would I feel good about myself? If the answer is no, it requires reflection.
When we’re completely in love, it’s really hard to keep it to ourselves.
Like Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch, fresh new love has a “sing it from the rooftops” quality.
If you fall in love with a married man, the only person who might remotely be happy for you in this case is your dog.
Do you really want to introduce Mr. Married to your Mom and tell her the truth?
I don’t know your Mom, but shiver at the thought.
4. Why would you invest your resources on someone who can’t invest back in you?
Your body, time and attention are your capital. They’re what you have to give in a relationship.
You should not be a non-profit.
The married person CANNOT give you what you can give them, aside from the fact that they’re divided with someone else, there simply aren’t enough hours in the day.
5. If he feels like it’s okay to act like this with you, why wouldn’t he act like this later and cheat on you?
Okay, I know this one is a cliche, but I find it rings true a lot of the time.
Say after months of your affair, the married man you’ve been dating actually leaves his wife for you.
You’ve now got him all to yourself (yipee skipee!).
If you put aside your excitement about finally having him all to yourself, doesn’t that strike fear into your heart at least a little teensy bit?
You might think your relationship is different than his relationship with his ex, and it very might well be, but unless you’re totally oblivious, the trust between you already starts out on shaky ground.
Do you really want this in your life?
Do you really want to look over your shoulder wondering “what if” all the time?
6. He skips past a lot of personal growth.
As much as breakups and divorce suck, they foster a TON of personal growth. If done well, this is a process that takes hold sometime after a relationship fails.
When someone overlaps their relationships, they skip this period of rational self examination.
That leads to trouble down the line when they come to the realization (consciously or not) that they really needs to DO SOMETHING to make themself happy— since there was a reason they cheated in the first place, beyond the obvious.
That something that makes them happy cannot be you, since the minute things go into rocky territory, they’ll use the same coping method– cheating– to get happy again.
7. You’re wasting the best years of your life.
It doesn’t particularly matter WHEN you date a married person (or which of your years you’re using up), if you do it, you’re wasting a lot of time you could be better investing in finding someone who can be your true partner in all ways.
When you spend your time dating a married man, you’re passing up someone else who you could build a future with.
Your time is precious and irreplaceable. Don’t spend it on someone who can’t build a life with you.
8. You’re settling for crumbs when you should get the whole cake.
This goes back to investment of resources.
When you’re dating a married man and participating in an affair, you’re using your resources in a way that is risky. You’re at the race track betting on a lame horse.
Even if you “win” at a relationship with the married guy, you still lose in the long run.
9. You’re participating in hurting someone else who you might not even know.
And that other person is real.
No matter how dead your married man says marriage is, by participating at all you’re still hurting someone else.
This one is tricky, because no cheater wants to admit to themselves that they’re being horrible, so they will tell themselves (and you) whatever they have to to look at themselves in the mirror in the morning as a justification for the unjustifiable.
Things like:
“We don’t have sex anymore, the passion is gone.”
“They’re cold to me.”
“They don’t appreciate me.”
The problem with these excuses a married man will give about his primary relationship is that they may very well be true (probably not though), but there is NO REAL EXCUSE.
These things are meant to justify being a shitty spouse and not either calling it quits in their marriage or dealing with the problem internally.
They also help make you feel superior, like your relationship with a married man is special and BETTER and therefore justified.
We WANT to help the poor bird with the broken wing. Problem is, he’s a predator in disguise– even if he’s unwilling even to admit it to himself right now.
The idea, “but his wife is a terrible person,” has helped more women justify dating married men than virtually anything else.
You’re STILL participating in the betrayal of someone else.
10. If he’s cheating on his wife to escape his crappy marriage, he’s using you.
I can hear your protest about this one already, “but, but Elizabeth I knew what I was getting myself into. He’s not using me if I agreed to it!”
Yes he is.
The thing is, if your married boyfriend is trying to escape something that he hasn’t dealt with in his marriage, he’s using you for emotional support and most likely sex without being able to truly meet your needs in all senses of the word.
This makes him a bad choice as a partner. Even if he eventually leaves his wife and proposes to you.
11. You’re perpetuating the idea that people don’t have to deal with their problems directly.
If *everyone* refused to go anywhere near anyone else who was already in a relationship, lots more people would be forced to deal with their marital problems directly.
There’s a reason why it’s called *quiet* desperation– because people don’t face it or deal with it head on, so it endlessly festers, begging for a resolution that never comes– because no one DEALS WITH IT.
This also means that by dating a married man, you’re making it possible for him to stay with his wife in that bad marriage he says he has much longer.
Contrary to popular belief about what happens when people have affaires– mistresses actually make it possible for men to stay with their wives most of the time. Because he doesn’t have to deal with the problem that caused him to cheat in the first place.
By dating a married man, you’re directly participating in this cycle.
So What Should You Do?
Cut him off. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
This married man is NOT the end-all be-all, last man on Earth.
I don’t care if you feel like you’ve had the most super connection in history, the fact that he can’t give you a full-time, real relationship means it’s game-over for you.
You will fall in love again. Take your higher self out, dust her off and make her happy. She deserves a whole, complete loving partnership.
Please note that this piece is obviously for women who already know that their boyfriend is married to someone else.
Obviously if you were lied to, you can’t use this rationale UNTIL you know— at which point you need to break it off.
