Do you feel like you’re trying too hard in your relationship? Are you the one who is making most of the effort?
Sometimes the most intelligent of us fall victim to the idea that we can “try” ourselves into better relationships with people who frankly, are not giving us the kind of love that we really want.
Unfortunately, trying too hard in a relationship has the opposite effect that people intend. The other person starts to feel smothered and they move further away instead of coming closer.
While it’s true to an extent that we should all be making an effort, there is a point where trying harder is a turn off and makes things worse.
So what’s the difference between making a sincere, balanced effort in your relationship and trying too hard to make things work?
Two things: your motivation for taking action plus the way trying too hard feels to you.
Here are 10 signs that you’re trying too hard in a relationship:
1. You rationalize their bad behavior.
While coming to your partner’s defense can be a good instinct, unfortunately you find yourself making excuses for their downright bad behavior— and it’s a pattern.
If you find yourself saying things like:
“that’s not what they meant”
“they really mean well”
“they’re just damaged/conflicted/busy/commitment-phobic/add your own reason”
If you keep explaining away truly bad behavior, it’s more likely that you’re dealing with someone who isn’t treating your relationship with respect.
2. You analyze every move they make.
“Yesterday they called at 2pm, and that seems to be a pattern, but today they didn’t— so does that mean __(insert assumption here)_____? What does it all mean? Are they dating someone else? WHHYYYYYYYY????”
Chill out. Letting your thoughts run wild to the negative side just causes premature balding and too much cortisol.
If the other person truly has lost interest in you, you’ll know that in time— but letting your insecurities spew all over a budding romance will drive them away and speed up their departure.
People stress out because it makes sense to them. If, on some level you believe that over-analyzing their behavior is keeping you safe, there is not much I can say to cause you to stop overanalyzing without you making a white knuckle effort to control your thoughts.
When you truly see for yourself that overanalyzing your relationship usually makes it worse, then it will make sense to stop.
So, if you have a genuine question about what they are doing, ask them.
Otherwise, concocting a bunch of analysis about their motives and why/who is doing what in a relationship usually just gets you stressed out and causes a bunch of unhappy feelings in you.
And, I imagine you are reading this because you want to be happier, right?
Well… then don’t entertain the part of your brain that wants to nitpick and analyze what they’re doing. It does not help.
3. You try to buy their affection (consciously or not).
This includes giving them regular gift showers and loaning them money.
When you’re trying to win or regain someone’s affections, you’ll get much further with legitimately earning their respect than giving them resources of any sort.
Sometimes we don’t set out to do this intentionally, but with the right sob story or under the pressure of wanting them to like us, we do it anyway.
4. You regularly complain about the amount of time, attention and resources that they give you.
You need to read the room. Instead of trying to get more time, love and attention from them, see if they actually have it to give. If they don’t actually have the time and resources, it doesn’t matter how hard you try, it won’t change this reality.
It’s one thing if you’re dealing with someone who is genuinely busy and time poor.
Or if your relationship has started to mature and you aren’t up all night sharing stories about your grade school days and staring into each others eyes. Even research backs up the idea that new love is pre-occupying and takes up a lot of energy.
It makes sense then that most people can’t give at the same pace that they did in the beginning of the relationship, but this doesn’t mean they are any less in love with you.
It’s a whole other thing if you’re trying to have a relationship with someone who has shown that they don’t value the opportunity to spend time with you. If you keep getting blown off or disrespected, you won’t gain their respect by doing more or trying harder.
It’s important to recognize the difference. There is a time to recognize that your person simply does not have the energy to give to you and a time to cut someone loose whose heart just isn’t in it.
Either way, whining about what you lack as a couple will just make them want to pull away and avoid you even more.
5. You overanalyze your own normal behavior and dwell on the outcome.
While a certain amount of uncertainty in a relationship (particularly a new one) is normal, there is a point where worrying how you come off flips you into super insecurity mode.
By all means, learn better relationship skills and use them often, but try not to dwell on mundane details. Wanting to be liked too much can make you, well… unlikeable.
6. You feel powerless and needy.
Trying too hard in a relationship and not valuing yourself go hand in hand.
There is a painful, needy, dependent feeling that comes from begging for someone’s attention— and that unhinged feeling is a sign that the power balance between the two of you is dangerously off balance.
If the other person holds all the cards, ask yourself why. Is it because you have lost yourself it the relationship and can’t see life going on without them? Is it because you have invested a lot in making your life together work? Is it because you are super afraid to lose them?
No matter why you’re feeling insecure, it does not help to try to use a lot of effort to make the other person react to you a certain way.
7. You are ready to drop anything to spend time with them.
In a healthy, balanced relationship, both people have outside interests and this is GOOD. Also, the other person doesn’t act like a limited-time engagement.
Don’t be afraid they’ll disappear if you don’t “act now.” If they will lose interest in you so easily, then unfortunately that is good information for you to have about how they really feel about you.
So think twice the next time you want to automatically turn “me time” into “we time” because you are feeling insecure.
8. You are fully in “I would do anything for love” mode.
You don’t feel like you’re at the top of their list yet, but you’re willing to do whatever it takes. You’re sure that if you just worked harder, it would all be perfect between you two.
You’re cool with their foibles, addictions, bizarre behavior, the way they treat you, the fact that they only call at 2am. You’re ready to make this work, baby. Because “they’re worth it”… or something.
9. When they pull away from you (real or imagined), it throws you into a spiral.
This sort of off-balance behavior, analysis and pining turns any uncertainty you have made up about your relationship into a mourning-worthy event.
On the whole, you are better off focusing on what is going well in the relationship instead of what could go wrong.
This way, it’s so much less likely that you will attempt to gain their approval by trying too hard because you have diagnosed a problem yourself and then decided by yourself how to fix it.
If you sense something is wrong on their side, ASK THEM. Then listen very carefully for their real answer without judgement, blaming or shaming them.
Your partner lives in a completely different reality than you do. That’s why getting to know them better is always going to be more valuable than holding a negotiation with the version of them who lives in your head.
10. You think more about securing “a commitment” from them than you do about how the relationship is going awesome.
“Locking it down” should not take priority over genuinely enjoying someone’s company.
True commitment from someone else doesn’t happen because you are trying hard to make it happen. Commitment happens because both people are having such an awesome time together that doing anything else seems absurd.
It is completely reasonable to have goals and desires for your life like children or marriage. However, attempting to shoehorn THIS human into doing that with you is usually where people get themselves into trouble. You can’t try hard enough to solve incompatibility.
How do you to stop trying so hard in a relationship?
Think of your time and attention as a precious, valuable gift because it is.
Your giving should be reserved for when you can give and make an effort without your actions coming from a place of fear and insecurity.
Giving to your partner because you love them and want to delight them is a decently clean motivation. Giving because you are terrified they will leave you is needy and all about gaining their approval.
That’s why you can tell the difference by the feeling that inspires your action.
If you are giving and trying because you are secretly afraid they will fall out of love with you if you stop, then you are acting out of insecurity.
If your intention is to eventually get something back in return, you are also off track.
If someone can’t receive or doesn’t appreciate your gifts, then you can choose to move on and give to someone else, but you need to read the room.
If your partner is overwhelmed and unable to receive because they’re going through something or they just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to attend to your relationship right now, they are not likely to appreciate your efforts anyway.
If you’re trying too hard with someone you barely know, then consider where your motivation is truly coming from.
Do you want them to like you? Are you hoping they will fall in love with you? Do you see giving as a way to inspire them to care about you?
People don’t fall or stay in love with you because you are trying super hard.
They fall in love with who you are. If you are a giving, kind, caring person, this is different than being a person who tries too hard because they are secretly afraid that effort is all they really have to offer.
Remember your time and attention is precious, so if one person doesn’t appreciate it, there is someone else who will.
Going to huge measures to get someone’s attention without reciprocation will only reduce their love and respect for you over time.
A fair, equitable relationship is when both people take turns trying. It’s not you by yourself, trying to force things to work while your partner withholds.
You don’t “make” someone love you. You don’t “make” them less selfish by giving more.
And, if you notice you are feeling these needy, insecure feelings, it’s time to stop and reflect, not heap more attention on anyone else. Because it’s probably YOU who really wants attention.
See if you can fill yourself up first, then you can go to a relationship able to give without it becoming a negotiation.
An idea that might sound like “I want someone to love” can actually mean that you need to do some work on yourself before you can give without your real motivation being to change something or inspire their affection.
Sometimes this work looks like valuing yourself first and putting your relationship as a close second. Other times it means looking for the right person to bestow your gifts upon.
If thoughts in your head tells you that your efforts aren’t good enough or you worry that they won’t like you if you stop going to extreme measures, repeat after me:
Thoughts are not facts.
Instead of trying to force things, get present in the current moment, raise your mood and think again. If you still want to give from an open heart, then wonderful. If you are afraid, then pause and reflect.
And, if you start to obsess (I’ve done it too!), bring yourself back to the now.
In the now, everything is always okay.
Try your best to expect good things from other people— but be prepared to move on if they just don’t do actions that show they appreciate what you have to offer.
