A reader wonders what to do when you get ghosted by someone you work with.
I started dating this coworker in July. He tells me he likes me and I like him. I have been texting him for two weeks straight. He’s been working out of town. I also have been calling but he is not responding to my calls to my texts.
It’s terrible because I don’t understand why my coworker ghosted me. What should I do? He immediately responds in regards to everything else on the work phone. You would think he would miss me. I don’t know what happened.
-Confused
First of all, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I know it’s confusing and upsetting when you find yourself wondering what to do when you’ve been ghosted by someone who used to like you.
In that spirit, I’m going to say next is not meant to be harsh.
You have to leave him alone and see if he wants to talk to you on his own.
2 weeks is a long time for someone you are dating to not respond to you at all.
His lack of response to your calls and texts IS the message.
Because you’ve been chasing him without waiting to see if he WANTS to respond to you, you haven’t allowed him the time and space to show that he wants your relationship to continue.
Chasing someone who is pulling away from you does not work.
Right now, your co-worker has ghosted you and is hoping you’ll get the hint.
He’s most likely hoping that being less interested in dating you won’t screw things up for both of you professionally.
When someone doesn’t respond to you, they’re communicating that they are not available to speak to you right now.
Nothing else matters.
Not his past feelings for you.
Not your feelings for him.
Not what either one of you said or did in the past.
He is not available to speak to you.
The more you push him to talk to you, the more likely he’ll never speak to you again.
That’s what this man has been communicating with his silence toward your calls and texts.
And I know what it feels like to have your imagination run wild when someone ghosts you. It’s easy to think thoughts like:
“Is his phone broken?”
“Maybe he didn’t get my messages.”
“Maybe he’s too busy with X,Y,Z”
Here’s the thing.
The reason your co-worker has ghosted you doesn’t matter.
He knows exactly where to find you if he wants to talk.
When someone wants space, you have to give it to them. Anything else is denying their boundaries.
As crappy and confusing as it feels, he has a right to not respond to you.
Leave him alone and stop trying to date him. Only then do you get to see whether he wants to talk to you at some point.
But, I’m going to be honest with you. Don’t count on him coming back to give you a full relationship. He’s given you his answer and he knows where to find you if he changes his mind.
And, I’d highly encourage you to avoid chasing people who treat you this way.
He might turn up for something superficially sexual later down the road, or explain that he was overwhelmed during his trip and try to get in touch, or be in the process of going back to his ex-girlfriend.
Or he could have completely broken with reality and decided to move to a distant land.
It doesn’t matter.
The way he’s treating you says everything you need to know. Simply, that he doesn’t want to talk to you.
As far as work is concerned, treat him professionally because if you do anything else, you’ll regret it later on. Just leave him alone, chalk it up to experience and start looking for his replacement.
If he comes back and wants to talk in your personal life, you can decide whether you want to do that when it happens.
For now though, your best bet is to just let him go and give yourself the relief of silence.
Doing more stuff in his direction is only going to hurt your chances of something working out between you.
And again, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sometimes we need to see the truth written in big, bold letters to absorb it.
Best,
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