A reader wonders whether her boyfriend will come around after trying to force her to choose between him and their baby.
I met my boyfriend abroad and after 5 months of dating I wound up pregnant. He left me saying that it’s too soon for us for a baby and told me to choose between the baby or him. I am 35+ and he is 40+ and now he hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks while I am all alone in a country where I only have him. He told me that if I abort the baby he is willing to get back together, but I know I will resent him forever if I do. I want us to be a family and work this out, but I have to decide whether to leave to the states this month or wait it out and try the no contact. I am desperate for any answers as everything I read online is mixed; some men do come back and some don’t, the only one that really knows is him.
Before I start, I want to warn you that what I’m going to say next comes with the greatest amount of empathy and compassion but it’s not going to be gentle. I’m not known for keeping my opinions to myself.
First, not only are you between a rock and a hard place with this situation, but you’re isolated and alone in another country.
I’m feeling such heavily protective gut feelings of fear and sadness for you.
Yes, you’re right, some men come back and some don’t. I’m well aware of that from my work as a coach.
I understand that right now you’re hoping to eventually get to have a family with this man, but he’s telling and showing you clearly what HE wants. It’s very, very different from what you want.
Your boyfriend is using coercion to force you to make a life-changing decision with wide-reaching consequences for everyone involved.
This is dangerous, abusive and scary behavior that should be a total deal-breaker in any partner, even if he were to change his mind.
Your situation is not really about whether or not he misses YOU and might change his mind about the relationship.
It’s not about using some technique you’ve read about on the internet and then going no contact and hoping your boyfriend comes back to you.
It’s not about his feelings for you.
This is about whether or not you will choose to raise your innocent child yourself or attempt to force this man to raise a child he doesn’t want.
Your boyfriend is incredibly clear about the raw deal he’s offering you.
He has told you clearly that HE doesn’t want his child.
As you said, you already know you’ll resent him forever if you choose to abort your baby because of him.
He’s 40 years old. He’s old enough to be crystal clear on what he wants. He’s told you through his actions and behavior that he doesn’t want a family with you. He’s not even talking to you right now.
This is not the behavior of a responsible adult, let alone a potential parent.
Anyone who wants you to choose between a relationship with them and their child is not showing ANY desire or potential to be a responsible parent. Either now or in the future.
That’s why you ultimately don’t have a choice to make about this man, you have a choice to make about whether or not you want to raise your child. Along with the responsibility to protect yourself no matter what you choose.
He’s telling you clearly that he’s NOT a father. He does NOT want to step up and raise a child with you. Coercion is not loving, family-supportive behavior. Coercion is abuse.
Please, please, please come to your senses here. This man is acting like human garbage.
You might have fallen head over heels in love with him and think he’s the best thing since sliced bread, but he’s showing you exactly who he is.
Please listen to him now.
I don’t care if he eventually comes back to you with an engagement ring and promises that he’s changed.
Or if he promises that you can have another baby “later” when he’s “ready”– as if babies are disposable and easy to come by.
He’s already told you exactly where he stands on his own child. Now.
You’ve said clearly you want to keep the baby. Even if you chose not to have the baby at all, this is not the behavior of a good partner to have a relationship with.
A good partner does not use coercion and force you to choose between them and a circumstance THEY participated in creating.
They do not leave you isolated and alone in silence when you disagree. They do not leave you stranded in a foreign country where you know no one.
That we’re having this discussion at all and it’s about HIM shows me how deeply confused you are right now.
You still have time to go home, get your support system together and get your life in order. I hope you choose the highest and best life possible for yourself and your child.
Sending you so much love,
