All genders are subjected to physical and emotional abuse in relationships.
According to National Statistics Domestic Violence, 1 in 9 men and 1 in 4 women are abused by their partner in the United States.
The statistics are based on cases known to us.
But how many more people keep silent about domestic violence when they are stuck and struggling to leave an abusive relationship?
Think about your relationships.
How often have you thought about the line between healthy relationships and abuse?
If you suspect that things have gotten abusive, what should to do if you are in an abusive relationship?
And, where can you get help if you are experiencing domestic violence?
If you are looking for help for yourself or your close ones, remember that leaving an abusive relationship is not easy.
You can face fear, Stockholm syndrome, and even a real threat to your life.
Abusive relationships are not just about physical abuse.
That’s why some people don’t even realize they’re actually in an abusive relationship until it gets worse.
Therefore, it is crucial to recognize the presence of abuse as soon as you start realizing something is wrong so you can end the relationship before it is too late.
Quiz: Are you in an abusive relationship?
Take a short test to see if you may be in an abusive relationship. Answer these five simple questions and calculate your score.
1. How often has your partner hurt/offended you in the past 12 months?
- Never – 1 point
- Rarely – 2 points
- Sometimes – 3 points
- Often – 4 points
- Constantly – 5 points
2. How often has your partner insulted you in the past 12 months?
- Never – 1 point
- Rarely – 2 points
- Sometimes – 3 points
- Often – 4 points
- Constantly – 5 points
3. How often has your partner threatened you in the past 12 months?
- Never – 1 point
- Rarely – 2 points
- Sometimes – 3 points
- Often – 4 points
- Constantly – 5 points
4. How often has your partner yelled at you in the past 12 months?
- Never – 1 point
- Rarely – 2 points
- Sometimes – 3 points
- Often – 4 points
- Constantly – 5 points
5. How often has your partner shown indifference/unconcern towards you in the past 12 months?
- Never – 1 point
- Rarely – 2 points
- Sometimes – 3 points
- Often – 4 points
- Constantly – 5 points
Add up the scores received. If you have 13 points or more, you are likely in an abusive relationship.
Let’s talk more about what happens to survivors of relationship abuse to explain what you might be going through and how to get out.
Abusive relationship syndrome.
We often wonder why battered women and men are looking for help but do not leave the abuser.
There are so many abused women’s services and hotlines for those who suffer from domestic violence.
So why is it so hard to pack up your stuff and leave?
Sometimes, having lived in an abusive marriage for a long time, the spouse may develop Stockholm syndrome.
Both men and women can feel sorry for their offenders and defend them, thinking, “they are so unhappy, their childhood was so difficult, only I understand them.”
They begin to think that they really know the abuser, and they (the victims) blame themselves for their suffering. They start to believe they deserve it because they know how sensitive the offender is.
It is tough to break out of such a relationship. After all, it does not immediately come to cruelty.
On the contrary, the situation worsens gradually, when the person has already become very loved.
To some extent, we can compare staying and returning to an abusive relationship to drug addiction.
Abusers can keep their victims on a short leash.
Realizing that the survivor is on the brink of leaving once and for all, they will beg for forgiveness, promise to change, provide gifts. But time passes, and everything repeats, only with an increased degree of abuse.
It is also worth mentioning other reasons why people find it difficult to leave an abusive relationship.
First, it is financial dependence. Unfortunately, it is not possible to survive without money.
Secondly, it is fear for children and their lives. Every 15th child is abused annually by one of the parents or their partners. About 90% of them witness the abuse.
Finally, there is shame, embarrassment, denial, low confidence, and other practical reasons like living situation and control over family resources.
And, it’s these feelings that usually keep people stuck in the relationship in the first place.
Also, abusive partners are usually able to keep the cycle of abuse going by sucking you right back in when you have left or are planning on leaving.
Money, children and living conditions keep people stuck in the cycle.
That’s why if you’re wondering exactly HOW to leave an abusive relationship, it’s so helpful to have a plan.
Planning to leave an abusive relationship.
Having a safety plan is your way of protecting yourself and your children when you leave an abusive situation.
If you have an aggressive partner, you need to be careful and prepared for the unexpected to successfully leave an abusive relationship.
An escape plan is a practical, well-thought-out, and rehearsed plan of staying safe while preparing to leave and during the actual escape.
Your safety plan should include:
- Saving money
- Creating a detailed escape route
- Temporary shelter
- Creating an essentials list
- Gathering up all of your personal documents to take with you
- Memorizing phone numbers of those who can help you– especially if something happens to your phone
Some of the information that goes into the safety plan may seem obvious to you right now, but it’s important to remember that your brain often doesn’t work efficiently in times of crisis.
It can be difficult for you to remember essential addresses and information when your focus is on surviving and staying safe.
You can also notify your reliable friends/family members/lawyer that you’re experiencing domestic violence and planning to escape. Don’t let pride, shame or embarrassment keep you from getting help.
Getting help for an abusive relationship.
Sometimes every second is crucial and you need to leave the relationship quickly.
You might not have time to take any money or things with you. The main goal is to survive.
In this case, you can get support from several organizations created provide you with a safe place to go.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline phone number is 800-799-SAFE (7233). It is free and open 24/7. The service will promptly provide you with advice on leaving an abusive relationship.
They will give you directions and let you know where the nearest shelter is located.
Domestic violence shelters provide essential items for women and men who have to leave in a hurry and arrive with nothing. They may also provide food, room, and child care. These services are usually free.
Domestic violence shelters often provide:
- Family and individual counseling and support groups;
- Job training and help finding work;
- Legal help;
- Help to enroll children in school;
- Help to find permanent housing; and
- Help to get financial aid.
Such shelters are usually located in distant city areas for safety reasons and do not require real names upon registration. They are usually very careful about sharing their location so that your partner cannot find you.
Locked up in home with an abusive spouse.
What should you do if leaving is not possible yet?
Sometimes, due to circumstance leaving an abusive relationship is even harder than it sounds.
For example, during the coronavirus pandemic, many people were locked up in their homes, and online services became the only link with the outside world.
If you’re in this situation, you might be able to signal for help using a hand signal, if you happen to be on a video call or are able to get out in public.
Learn the signal for help.
“Signal for Help” was launched by the Canadian Women’s Foundation and is now being shared by abusive relationship organizations worldwide. It is a simple one-handed sign that people can use during a video call.
For example, it can help a person noiselessly show they need help and want someone to provide assistance.
The signal is performed by holding one hand up with the thumb tucked into the palm and folding the other other fingers down. It was meant to be used as a single motion which can be used quickly.
This simple gesture can help you show someone without using words that you want their help leaving an abusive situation.
After you escape an abusive relationship.
If you have tried to leave before and gone back to an abusive relationship, you are not alone. Don’t let the shame and guilt keep you from trying again.
Statistics show that the average survivor of domestic violence returns to the relationship 7 times on AVERAGE.
That means no matter whether this is your first or 100th time trying to leave domestic abuse, it’s hard for everyone.
If you went back and find yourself trying to leave again, there is nothing wrong with you. What’s most important is that you eventually get out and stay out.
Staying away from an abusive ex is about successfully rebuilding and putting your attention toward creating a new life.
You can do this– even if it seems impossible or as though you don’t deserve better right now. You wouldn’t be reading this if on some level, you didn’t want to get out.
Please honor that part of yourself. You are worth it.
Affirmations for domestic violence survivors
Healing after an abusive relationship is as vital as healing after a severe illness.
Gender does not matter– abused men and women both need significant support after surviving domestic violence.
In addition to seeing mental health professionals, victims of domestic violence can use affirmations to help rebuild self esteem lost in any abusive situation.
Speaking positive and calming phrases can help people find inner harmony and free themselves from the suffocating burden of abusive relationships.
Here are some affirmations for domestic violence survivors:
- I’m worthy of love just as I am.
- My home should be a haven of warmth, peace, and safety.
- I made the right decision.
- It wasn’t in my head; they just made it seem that way.
- My flaws don’t make me unloveable.
- I have done nothing wrong to deserve cruelty.
- I am a whole person.
- It is my body. I’m going to take care of it the best I can.
- I can make decisions on my own.
- I’m not perfect. Perfection isn’t real. But I will do the best that I can.
- During difficult times, I have people I can turn to for help.
The bottom line about leaving an abusive relationship.
If you have found yourself in an abusive relationship, there is a slow destruction of self-esteem, self-sufficiency, and self-respect.
At some point, you became an unwilling punching bag.
That’s why, no matter where you are in the cycle of abuse, it’s crucial that you do whatever you can to get out and stay out. You’re worth it.
