Recently a reader wrote me a question about why her husband looks at other women.
Here’s her question:
My husband and I are going on 1 year of marriage and have been together for 3.5 years. We love each other, no question, but I have some issues. He looks at women online very frequently. Collects pictures and videos. Every social media he has, there are women he looks at. I understand he’s a man and it’s normal to look at other women, but it’s alarming how much he does it. He’s never honest about it, but I chalk it up to his last experiences. Having to keep things about women in the DL to prevent fights. I also have last trauma with relationships, so it’s very hard sometimes to deal with it. But why? Why so much and why does he have to keep so many pictures and videos? It makes me feel inadequate, like I’m not enough to please him, even though he says otherwise.
First, what I’m going to write now should not be taken as medical or psychological advice. I am a coach, not a psychic, psychologist or counselor.
I am also not your husband, nor am I inside his mind.
The best person to ask about WHY your husband looks at other women is him.
Only your husband knows what he is thinking when he looks at other women.
Even if we knew the exact, perfect and true reason why your husband looks at other females online, that doesn’t really help us feel better.
I suspect your real question is, “how do I get my husband to stop looking at other women because I don’t like it?”
Which is a completely different conversation.
The simple reality is that he DOES look at other women and you don’t like it.
And.. you aren’t alone there.
A few years ago a guest wrote an article about what it means men when look at other women.
The comment section on that post (back when that was still open) reads like a masterclass in victimhood mindsets.
Anyway, staying stuck, unhappy and resentful toward your husband about this habit of his is not the life I want for you.
So let’s talk about your mindset around this problem and get you up and running with a plan.
First I want to lay out two important points– which form the basis of how to create any relationship standard or decision:
1. ALL of your feelings come from you.
YOU are the one making yourself feel inadequate. Like you said, your husband has clearly said you are pleasing to him.
I don’t say this to minimize or invalidate your concern. I say it because you get to decide how you feel about this (and everything else).
If you think, “this problem is super important and I can’t stand it.” You’re going to automatically feel bad.
If you think, “who cares?” You’ll probably feel neutral.
If you think, “this gets him all hot and bothered and spices up our marriage” You’ll probably feel good.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you think any of those things.
But notice how the feeling tone of the whole situation changes based on how you choose to frame it.
Right now you’re using your past trauma as your reason for why this bothers you.
That’s fine– but it doesn’t make your reason for upsetting yourself any more justified or righteous than, “I don’t like it because it’s Tuesday” or “I think he’s a sleezebag.”
As we can see in the comment section on this post, there are MANY reasons for not liking a man looking at other women.
It’s YOUR thoughts about it that are making you feel bad. Feeling better about any given circumstance is simply a thought away.
This brings me to my next point.
2. Any outside behavior has the weight You make it have.
If ANYTHING in your reality is a problem for you, it’s a problem because you’ve decided this is the case.
Not society, not past partners, not social norms or what your grandma said about how husbands are supposed to behave.
YOU.
You get to decide what you think about any given situation. This gives you all the power you need.
You have the opportunity to choose your response. The less meaning you make out of any circumstance at any given time, the more peaceful and happy your life gets to be.
The more meaning you give his actions, the more you will have to grow in order to be happy.
If ANY of your husband’s behavior does not meet a basic standard you hold for your romantic relationship (which you get to choose), then it’s time to consider your options for handling it.
The reality right now is that your husband looking at other women bothers you because it bothers you. That’s 100% your reality right now.
So let’s talk about how to get your husband to stop looking at other women.
First, you have the right to drive yourself crazy trying to ignore it like you have been so far. You wouldn’t be writing to me if this option was acceptable to you.
Next, you can think new thoughts about it.
For a helpful process around this, check out The Work by Byron Katie. That might dissolve your problem at it’s root. It also might not– whether this works for you really depends on YOU.
If those options don’t get you to the point where you’re happy with your life, it’s time to consider negotiating with your husband about your personal set of standards for your marriage.
You can communicate this behavior is a major problem for you and be ready to enact consequences if this doesn’t change. It’s helpful to consider a few things first.
Questions to ask yourself before you negotiate with your husband:
How major is this problem for you?
Is this something that you’re willing to leave your partner over?
What specific feelings and consequences are this bringing up for you?
What is your absolutely ideal outcome here?
Is it that he stops looking at other women across social media?
Is it that he stops cruising the internet for nudes?
Is it that he hides it better (because he’s not doing that very well now given that you’re this aware of it)?
Once you’ve thought it over, THEN it’s time to sit your husband down and discuss this with him.
Here’s an example of what to say to your husband:
“You have every right to look at other women but I feel sad/mad/uncomfortable/whatever when you do this. Since I’m very uncomfortable, I will stay as long as I can but I’m considering leaving you to find someone who (handles this your ideal way).”
If you aren’t willing to leave your marriage (understandable), you can tell him about your feelings around this clearly and see how he responds:
“You have every right to look at other women but I feel sad/mad/uncomfortable/whatever. Since I’m very uncomfortable with this, what do you think about (handling this your ideal way)?”
Then you get to see what he says about it and whether this requires a heavier response from you.
I talk about this communication structure more inside The Secrets to Understanding Men No One Tells You, but that’s a good start for right now.
You can use that structure for negotiating with your husband about anything.
Next you hold onto your hat and discuss the situation without accusing him, resorting to insults or treating him as though he’s the scum of the Earth.
None of those will get you a positive result– so leave them out, even if you’re upset and have to grit your teeth while you bite your tongue.
Then, watch and see what your husband does AFTER the conversation. If things start to change, reward and appreciate progress, even if it feels small.
Since people are usually fed up by the time they have difficult conversations, they don’t always realize that their partner has to catch up on understanding it’s a problem and making changes.
Keeping perspective and holding onto your patience is important when you’re trying to create genuine relationship change.
Also, be ready to enact your consequences in case that is necessary.
Keep me posted on how it goes.
Much love,
UPDATE: After I published this, I got this email from a different reader:
Hi I read your post about men looking at women. I get it. I happens to me ALL the time. But, at what point is it too much? We can’t even go on a date anymore, my husband is always looking at the women. It’s a distraction.
It sounds like you didn’t quite absorb the part where I explained that you have to decide on your personal set of standards for a relationship and then talk to him.
If this (or anything) has gotten to a point where you grudgingly tolerate your husband’s behavior and are having real trouble happily participating in the relationship, then it’s too much for you.
That’s a call I can’t make for you.
It sounds as though you’re hoping someone else will provide a set of guidelines for “right and wrong” so you can feel righteous around what is bothering you.
This is not a happiness producing behavior.
So, I don’t work that way. Your standards are up to you. Your backbone is up to you.
…And so are your thoughts and feelings as I explained above.
If your husband is looking at other women so much that you find it impossible for you to enjoy your time together, then I imagine it’s time to either genuinely change your mind or talk to him as I shared in the post.
Silently tolerating things you don’t like doesn’t work. Neither does stewing and then blowing up.
A discussion about your standards and the very real consequences of violating them might work.
If this is a dealbreaker for you, it’s a dealbreaker.
If it’s not a dealbreaker but it’s still driving you nuts, follow the instructions above for discussing the problem with your husband.
That’s it.
As a coach, I do not create standards. I help you reach yours.
