Hi, I’m Elizabeth Stone. Here’s today’s question:
What can I do when a guy I am trying to reconnect with says he only wants me for sex currently?
Well… he sounds like he’s pretty clear about what he wants.
The email doesn’t say anything else, but since our questioner mentioned reconnection, I wonder whether this relationship was exclusive in the past or if it was just a fling that he’s been consistent about the whole time.
So any time someone is clear about what they want like this and it’s different from what you want, you have three choices.
You get to either accept it, reject it or negotiate.
If you tolerate it and do it halfway, you’ll feel it in your body.
And, you’ll probably end up feeling resentful and you’re likely to eventually blow up the relationship anyway.
Because everything is “a relationship” even if it isn’t exclusive or monogamous.
So, if you accept his offer and follow through with only having sex with him, then it is out of integrity and delusional to expect a full relationship to develop since he has told you clearly that he is not interested in a full relationship.
If you go ahead with what he wants, you’re giving the clear message that you’re willing to go along with it.
He has said exactly what he wants with you. If this agreement doesn’t work for YOU which it sounds pretty clear from the tone of your question is the case, then it’s very important for you to honor yourself and reject his offer for no-strings sex.
If you reject his offer for sex, you get the opportunity to find someone who wants what you want AND/OR negotiate with this guy if he changes his mind at some future point.
If you’re still interested in him but don’t want to take his deal, you can use your words to clearly reject the offer but not the man.
It’s really up to you.
Your real question seems to be “how do I get this guy to do what I want instead of what he wants?”
It’s time to accept reality here.
To have ANY chance of him changing his mind in the future, you have to take him at his word.
To gain his respect, you must move AWAY from being treated differently than how you really want to be treated.
If you can’t make a deal with him that you’re satisfied with, then you must leave him alone. Maybe forever.
Anything else is disrespectful to both of you.
If, at some point he changes his mind, misses you and offers you a full relationship with him, then you can decide if you still want that with him.
If he doesn’t miss you, then you haven’t lost anything.
You aren’t waiting around, staying stuck wishing and hoping he’ll change his mind while you get more and more attached to him.
You get to decide whether you give your body to someone who only wants sex from you.
Sometimes that’s fun and totally fine. Other times, like when you want something else, it’s a recipe for pain and frustration.
But, you don’t get to decide what another person wants, only what you will stand for.
To find out how women accidentally sabotage their relationships with men, check out my free masterclass 3 Innocent Mistakes Women Make With Men.
