A reader wonders if she can get her ex back after she told him about her desire to get married.
Hi Elizabeth,
My relationship ended after a drunken discussion about marriage (yes I know not the best time for that discussion) he ended up walking out and ending it then and there that night without wanting to talk about it any further at a later stage.
I didn’t push him on it and I’ve been in NC (no contact) for 3wks now and in that time I’ve re-evaluated my stance on marriage and not just because of how he feels about it.
I think I let my insecurities run away with me and when looking inward I realized what is really important for me is a long term commitment. Anyway he also told me that there was no longer a spark and that he felt like I was falling for him harder then he was for me (even if he’d introduced me to his family the weekend before).
I was wondering is there any chance of coming back from that?
Up until then our relationship was good we were always laughing and having fun we could talk about almost anything, there was constant PDA I knew all of his friends and everyone was saying they hadn’t seen him that happy before.
Thank you
I’m really sorry you’re going through that. Especially after putting yourself out there and trying to talk to him about commitment— even drunk, that’s a really vulnerable conversation to have.
Yes, you can definitely come back from that, but now it depends on a few things.
First, he has to stop panicking and start missing you. That can take a little while.
Men can potentially run when a deeper commitment is discussed for several reasons:
1. He fears you’re trying to take his freedom away.
2. He suddenly feels the weight of your feelings.
If he isn’t on exactly the same page emotionally (even though he could get there) suddenly being with you feels like a lot of pressure.
You don’t mention how long you were together, and that is a huge factor in whether a guy will bolt when that kind of serious talk comes up. If you bring up marriage at the one year mark, that’s a lot different than if you broached commitment at three months before his feelings for you really have a chance to solidify.
Weird analogy alert: in the beginning of a relationship, feelings are a little like a Jell-o mold.
With the correct raw materials— the right amount of water, the right heat and time to set— it can all work out perfectly.
If you go shaking that Jell-o when it’s still hot— before it has a chance to solidify— it will fall apart and never be the same. For the Jell-o to set and hold together right, it needs time to cool. If you try to remelt it and start over after shaking it too soon, sometimes the whole thing just won’t work.
You simply have a better chance that the feelings he had for you will stick when he has the time and space to work it out in his own mind.
Since you can’t time travel, let’s talk about what you’re doing right.
You have accepted his choice to break up and have gone no contact (NC).
Well done— that is difficult for a lot of people to pull off. If really misses you, he might come around as long as he doesn’t feel forced or pressured. Men need space to process things.
In her insightful book, Getting To “I Do”, Dr. Pat Allen recommends that you give a man eight weeks to come around before you really give up on him. I completely agree with her recommendation. Sometimes it can even take longer than this– as evidenced by the women I’ve seen go through my previous Ex Attraction Formula program.
That doesn’t mean you should sit around waiting and hoping that he will come back– quite the opposite. You have to get on with your life to have any chance of getting your ex back. That leads me to my next point.
You have spent your time wisely by healing and thinking about your own insecurities.
When we start to have strong feelings for a man, our emotions can go haywire. If he isn’t responding to us in the exact way we hope for— for example— not showing he’s not having the exact feelings for us right now, that can trigger a really powerful fear response.
Oh, have I ever been there. I’ve LIVED THERE. Especially when you’ve been hurt a few times, it’s so easy to slide into fear.
Fear lies. Fear says, “now that I love him and care about what happens in our relationship, I’m more likely to lose it, so I must do something to hold onto this love.”
Not true at all— in fact, the opposite is true. The more you try to get someone’s love and approval, the more it will evade you.
Suddenly the stakes seem high when before you fell in love, you were totally carefree and happy to just be around him.
So far, these two things are exactly what you should be doing to have a solid chance at getting him back.
Now it’s time to get genuinely happy whether or not he comes back. If you add some genuine busy-ness and passion with your own life, you can’t lose whether he’s the right one for you or not.
