(Author’s note: I originally wrote how to cope with a narcissist years ago when I was stuck dealing with my narcissistic in-laws. In the years since, I have gotten a divorce. While my ex husband remains a well-meaning, good person, I’ve never been sad to be rid of his family. The information is still accurate.)
Among the many thought-provoking emails and questions that came up about my article, 11 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist (And It’s TOXIC), there was this one:
Andrea Bell wrote:
“Do you have a follow up article on how to cope with a narcissist when it is someone that can’t be gotten rid of? I would really appreciate that!”
Many of the commenters were people who had dealt with narcissistic abuse at the hands of their narcissistic exes, mothers, bosses, husbands and wives.
While I realize that Attract The One is mostly about romantic relationships, but I couldn’t ignore all of the folks who are struggling to cope with narcissists in the rest of their lives and platonic relationships.
Without going into tons of personal detail, before I got divorced I had a few narcissists in my life who I was previously stuck dealing with too.
Because that was a really tough experience, I want to help anyone dealing with those difficult folks who they have no choice but to tolerate.
Here’s exactly how I cope with unavoidable interactions with suspected narcissists in my own life.
This is absolutely only reserved for the people who I would rather cut ties with completely but choose not to due to family or work obligations.
These suggestions are meant to help you both build a wall against being hurt and to help you maintain your sanity during these interactions.
I’m aware this list is pragmatic and often brutal so don’t say I didn’t warn you. It is a quick and dirty guide to coping with a narcissist as best you can while honoring your own needs.
1. Accept the fact that a narcissist is unlikely to change.
It is incredibly rare for narcissists to change since they cannot understand the profound ways that they affect others.
For empaths this can be difficult to understand, since it would never occur to an empath NOT to understand another person’s feelings.
The narcissist truly believes that their intentions are good and everyone who complains about their behavior is simply “out to get them,” “wrong” or “misunderstands them.”
The N cannot change patterns that they completely and blatantly refuse to acknowledge in the first place.
This complete lack of personal responsibility on the part of your N can be crazy-making if you let it be, which is why you must accept that you will never, ever convince them to change.
The first step to co-existing peacefully is to accept that because of the way their brain works, they are fundamentally incapable of suddenly realizing they are wrong and making changes.
In any relationship with a narcissist, if you are the one who manages your interactions, then it’s easier to plan to take care of yourself.
2. Plan, plan, then plan some more.
When you’re considering spending any of your time with a suspected narcissist, consider:
What expectations will placed on my time and attention? Are these expectations reasonable?
Is there a logical, timely escape route?
Will I be obligated to cater to their needs in some way? Is this okay with me?
Is the meeting in public or private? Public trumps private the vast majority of the time.
Will there be an activity?
Activities can be good distractions when they are short, in public and provide a logical end-time (like lunch). They can be bad when you must spend a lot of uninterrupted time together (like 18 holes of golf).
Who will be there?
I choose to bring an audience, explained further in the next section.
3. Bring your own audience.
The narcissist will often still say and do hurtful things in front of an audience, but they will have a much harder time gaslighting you and claiming later that nothing happened.
Depending on which witness(es) you choose, the narcissist might still be in “impress-mode” and act completely differently than when you are with them alone.
If the narcissist you are stuck with happens to be particularly toxic, sometimes they will twist your words and try to smear your reputation to others
If you always have a rational witness there with you, it is easier to protect yourself since it isn’t your word against theirs.
4. Act cordial but non-engaging.
When you keep the amount of information that you share about yourself to an absolute minimum (while staying polite), it is much easier to avoid conflict.
In some circles, this kind of way of managing your interactions with a narcissist is called the grey rock technique. In the beginning of my time with my narcissistic ex in-laws, reading about the grey rock technique and putting it into practice really helped me.
The basic idea is that if you don’t give the narcissist you are stuck with anything to latch on to, they are forced to keep their criticism and judgement to surface details, which unfortunately, still possible for them to criticize but at least not as badly as when you share personal details.
The idea is to avoid providing fuel for their criticism in any way possible.
Your personal details can and will be used against you, so try to confide nothing more than mundane details.
5. Refuse to be drawn into an argument.
If you’ve already accepted that the narcissist you are stuck with won’t change, it’s easier to avoid getting sucked into their drama.
Refuse to let them pick a fight with you and cycle your emotions. You can only win by refusing to get into a fight in the first place.
Provide bland responses, and don’t take the bait if they criticize you.
Take a “ho hum” approach to their stuff. If they demand that you change in some way, provide no solid answer either way. Evade. Change the subject. Don’t agree nor disagree.
A good response is, “I’ll have to think about that.” If the criticism gets extreme or you start feeling emotionally triggered, withdraw yourself from the interaction.
I used to excuse myself to go to the restroom, since this is the one place no one will argue with.
6. Take nothing personally.
This is easier said than done, but this quote is my mantra:
“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
― Miguel Ruiz
If you refuse to take the narcissist personally, you create your own protective emotional space to help insulate yourself from the toxic parts of your interactions with them.
Do not give in to guilt trips or attempts to make you feel ashamed.
7. Expect nothing.
Oddly, for me one of the worst parts about coping with a narcissist was the good times.
The good times can be so good that I found myself wishing with my whole heart that maybe the bad times are over and it was all a bad dream or I was wrong about the whole situation.
This was crushing when I let myself go through the emotional wringer each time the bad times re-appeared.
When an interaction with your N goes well, continue to practice the other self-protective actions on the list. Maintain your emotional detachment.
Appreciate the good, but remain prepared for the bad.
8. Withdraw when you’ve had enough.
Remove yourself from the situation when you’ve had enough. Cut the meeting short if things are turning negative or if you’ve been as polite as you can handle.
Have a signal to your witness (like a safe word) so they know you’ve had enough so they can prepare to get moving.
For example, my husband knows that if I yawn and say, “I have a few nagging chores to tackle,” I have reached the end of what I’m willing to do during that interaction.
9. Appreciate the good relationships in your life.
Enlist your partner’s help and try to work as a team.
Interacting with a non-spouse narcissist can be really hard on your primary relationship, so it’s vital that you express your appreciation for their help in dealing with it.
Remember that they are affected by the narcissist’s toxic stuff too.
After you get through it together, demonstrate your appreciation and above all, try not to take in out on them.
10. Above all, self nurture.
The N cannot be trusted to say or do what is best for you, so you must put boundaries in place to take care of yourself.
This means withdrawing when it’s time to withdraw and rewarding yourself for simply getting through it, no matter what happened.
