Have you ever felt anxious after a text went unanswered for hours, or had the sudden urge to pull away when someone got too close?
Understanding your attachment style could explain exactly why.
Relationships are magical aspects of our world and are essential to our health and happiness.
Unfortunately, many of us are all too aware of how difficult the path forward can be, littered with bumps while we desperately try to navigate the depths of another person.
Lord knows, I know.
I’ve experienced my fair share of, shall we say, “memorable” relationships.
As a teen and young adult, all I knew was that things either worked or (more often) didn’t.
Now, in my nearly mid-thirties, I have a wee bit more understanding of relationships… and how attachment styles come into play.
I’m sure you’ve heard of them, at least in passing, as they’ve become quite the buzzword across the internet.
While I’ve somehow managed to stumble into a secure attachment style against all odds, I spent years (and years…) wandering through the three other styles, and let’s just say, it’s been a journey.
Whether you know what your attachment style is, or you’re wading through the depths like so many others wondering why you can’t seem to find that allusive quality relationship, this one’s for you!
Using my messy experiences, I’m going to help you narrow down your attachment style in relationships.
I’ll also provide some tips I’ve learned to help you navigate each one.
Knowing your attachment style isn’t just interesting— it can dramatically improve how you communicate, reduce stress in relationships, and boost your overall happiness.
Shall we begin?
What’s your attachment style?
First and foremost, let’s focus on the most important person in the room…YOU!
There are four main attachment styles, and you will likely recognize you’ve experienced more than one throughout your dating game.
In fact, I’ve found myself in three of the four styles over the years…and it’s exhausting!
Let’s figure out which one you’re currently planted in, shall we?
1. Anxious attachment style
First up is one I practically lived in for more than a handful of years; the anxious attachment style.
If you’re anxiously attached, you might find yourself constantly worried about being abandoned, being overly generous to make sure your partner sticks around, or getting anxious over minor changes in their mood.
Let me tell you, this is not a fun style to find yourself in.
Is it the worst?
No.
But is it comfortable?
Also very much no.
The years I spent wading around in this attachment style were filled with frustration and personal angst.
Sure they sparked some great poetry over the years, but man, did they ever border on painful.
Not only did I completely lack confidence, but I was also overwhelmed with insecurity in every one of my relationships, romantic or otherwise.
I craved intimacy and desperately wanted to be in a close relationship, yet perpetually feared being abandoned.
And let me tell you, at the time, I was not interested in trying to figure out why I had that fear, which certainly didn’t help my case.
Anxious attachment also tends to have a few other, shall we call them, uncomfortable characteristics, like:
- Being particularly sensitive to external threats
- Being [overtly] generous to those in your life
- Having a strong sense of empathy
- Struggle with communicating your needs
Sound familiar?
Yeah…it’s a common one. But don’t worry, it is possible to shift out of this style with some personal work (we’ll get to that below).
2. Dismissive avoidant attachment style
Next up are those of you who have a strong sense of self-reliance and are not keen on being vulnerable; the dismissive avoidant attachment style.
You may exude the kind of confidence that others would die for, but beneath the surface, it’s a less-than-shiny shield to keep people at bay.
One of your strengths is how comfortable you are leaving people to their own devices and respecting their privacy.
Anxiety? Don’t know her! (I think I just heard a collective rumble of envy…)
With that said, you may also:
- Heavily rely on yourself for emotional comfort…and struggle to look elsewhere for it.
- Unintentionally dismiss the needs of others.
- Try to maintain some semblance of emotional distance in your relationships.
- Have an easier time connecting with people who have similar experiences to you.
Feel like you’re looking in a mirror?
Welcome to the dismissive attachment house.
3. Disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachment style
Have you ever desperately wanted closeness, yet panicked and distanced yourself when things became serious?
That’s the classic fearful-avoidant dance.
If you haven’t completely identified with either of the two above but felt like you could almost fit in with the crowd, you may have just scrolled far enough to find your people.
The disorganized attachment (also known as fearful avoidant attachment) style bears a blend of the two above and can be a tricky landscape to navigate.
As a teen and very young adult, I spent more time than I’d like to admit in disorganized attachment, and it’s home to some of the most challenging relationships I’ve ever been in.
Fearful attachment styles typically feature low self-esteem, and an abundance of anxiety when you “catch feelings” as the kids would say, all while wanting few things more than emotional intimacy.
Disorganized attachment can be a confusing, and painful place to exist.
You may also:
- Struggle to trust people
- Pull away when you feel overwhelmed
- Have a deep fear of rejection
- Often feel like you’ve been used or exploited by the people in your life
This is a particularly difficult attachment style to find yourself in, and my heart goes out to you if you’re here.
Good news?
There is light at the end of the tunnel. You don’t have to stay here.
You can push through all the way to this next style and find yourself in the most coveted position… secure attachment.
4. Secure attachment style
Rounding up our list is that near-mythical status of being happy, content, and feeling totally secure in both yourself and your relationship.
You’re also likely a great communicator.
Secure attachment style is the thing of books, dreams, and fantasies. But damn if it’s not one heck of a climb to reach the peak if you don’t start here.
Remember how I said I’ve been in three different attachment styles?
After more than a decade (and a whole lot of work), I found myself in the securely attached category.
But even firmly having my feet in this realm, I’ve still slipped back into one or more of the three other categories over the past ten years with my spouse.
If you think you fall into this category, you’ll likely feel like you:
- Manage conflict well (Think “we listen and we don’t judge”)
- Are comfortable with yourself
- Have high self-esteem
- Are comfortable asking for support
- Can easily trust others
Sounds dreamy right?
Good news; anyone can make their way into secure attachment style but trust me when I tell you it takes a ton of self-work.
It doesn’t happen by accident (as much as I wish it was a style people could fall into).
How do you move from one attachment style to another?
Although your attachment style often stems from how you were treated by caregivers early in life, it’s something you can absolutely shift and change over time.
Attachment styles are healed in stable, close relationships.
Changing your attachment style all comes down to thoughtful communication and putting in the work (sometimes with professional, expert help).
The fact of the matter is, you and your partner may not find yourself in the same attachment style, and that can pose serious communication challenges.
Luckily, if you’re both willing to do the work, you can shift and grow alongside one another and find yourself walking through the doors into secure attachment.
And this isn’t just expecting your partner to be thoughtful in communicating with you how you need them to.
You also have to communicate with them based on how they need you to.
Communication is a two-way street; so don’t hog it.
So, without further ado, let’s narrow down some things you and your partner may need to consider when interacting with each other.
If you have an anxious attachment style
By far, one of the most important things you’ll want to start practicing if you’ve found yourself in an anxious attachment style is expressing your needs.
It can be scary at first, but we don’t really want to be in a relationship with anyone if they don’t care about what we want, right?
Now, I know firsthand the internal shame that comes alongside those moments when you get lost in your emotions and project them onto your partner.
I’m willing to bet you know exactly what I’m talking about.
And that’s okay. It’s simply part of this attachment style, and it can be changed.
When these moments happen, take responsibility for them.
Acknowledge them and apologize for how you pushed them onto your spouse.
As you confront these emotions, narrow down what triggered them, and communicate those with your partner so you can work together to overcome them (not to be confused with avoiding them!).
Lastly, give yourself compassion as you grow and work with your partner to create a safe space where you can explore your emotions with support and grace.
Quick tips for anxious attachment style
- Practice naming your needs clearly and calmly instead of hinting or waiting for your partner to guess.
- Remind yourself that needing reassurance doesn’t make you needy—it makes you human.
- Focus on building self-soothing habits like journaling, walking, or calling a trusted friend before reacting in the moment.
- Check your stories: when your mind jumps to “they don’t care,” pause and ask what else might be true.
- Choose partners who are consistent, warm, and emotionally available—they help you feel secure, not confused.
If your partner has an anxious attachment style
Now, if your partner is the one who’s in an anxious attachment style, you’ll want to be the one who’s understanding, while also being firm in your boundaries.
Letting our partner grow and heal is great, but letting them stomp on us for their growth?
Not so much.
Take some time to sit down with your partner and gently lay out your boundaries so they know how to navigate the relationship and can identify when they may have overstepped and have some repair work to do.
This is a great way to help them gain confidence in their communication while letting them feel supported in the moments they slip.
Most importantly, ask them questions to help them open up and provide plenty of positive reinforcement when they work through challenging moments with you.
If you have a dismissive avoidant attachment style
If you have a dismissive avoidant attachment style, self-reflection on your emotions is going to be key.
It may be challenging at first, but work toward identifying your emotions, and practice sharing them with your loved one.
Start small by embracing compromise and sharing vulnerabilities that just slightly make you uncomfortable.
Over time, you’ll get more confident and be able to try uncovering some of the scarier topics.
You’ll also want to be mindful of how you respond to people and acknowledge when you may have dismissed your partner’s relationship desires.
If you’re having a hard time with this, work with your partner to create a list of the things they need most, and work toward “completing” one or two each day.
Quick tips for dismissive avoidant attachment style
- Try to respond instead of react—especially when someone asks for more connection.
- Start small with vulnerability—share one honest feeling a day, even if it feels awkward.
- Notice when you pull away emotionally and ask yourself what you’re protecting.
- Practice seeing closeness as a strength, not a threat to your independence.
- Let your partner know when you need space rather than disappearing or shutting down.
If your partner has a dismissive avoidant attachment style
If the shoe is on the other foot and you’re navigating a relationship with someone who has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, embracing their need for space is going to be your best friend.
If your partner is dismissive avoidant, remind yourself they aren’t pushing you away—they’re protecting themselves from emotional hurt. Empathy is your best tool here.
When they need some time to themselves, remember that it’s not a reflection of you.
It’s natural to need some alone time, and it’s okay for them to ask for it.
You’ll also want to be gentle when exploring difficult topics and work to voice your needs without placing blame.
For example:
“I’d really like to spend some time together each night reconnecting and talking about our day. What do you think?”
NOT
“You never ask me how my day is and I’d really like you to.”
Lastly, praise, praise, praise!
Who doesn’t like being seen and hearing that their hard work is paying off?!
When you notice a moment of growth– especially when they open up– pile on the praise so they know they did something you are happy with and can repeat it.
If you have a fearful avoidant attachment style
Let’s get one thing straight before we cover specifics: you CAN overcome this attachment style and shift onto more confident ground.
Say it with me:
I can grow.
I can be confident.
I am worthy of love.
Great work.
Now, more specifically, get comfortable with giving yourself some grace.
It’s okay to be here.
Spend some time exploring your emotions and practice communicating them with your partner in a safe space.
Struggling with a specific fear?
Write it down.
Understand it’s okay to have fears and concerns. It’s completely natural!
Once you have one written down, try sharing it with your spouse without placing blame.
Worried about what they might say? Try this:
Find a quiet moment when it’s just the two of you. Have your note in hand, or your speech prepared, and say something like:
“I’d really like to share something with you, but I have a hard time opening up, and I need you to be as understanding and supportive as you can. You don’t need to respond right away, but it’s important for me to share this with you. Are you okay with that?”
Then, either hand them the note or say your peace and give them time to digest (and reward yourself BIG TIME for this huge step!)
You’ll also want to spend some time thinking about what a supportive relationship looks like.
Then, try to identify those traits in your own relationship.
You might be surprised how many elements you find!
Lastly, work towards setting some healthy boundaries where your emotional giving is concerned.
If you tend to throw yourself into your partner and try to “buy” their affection by pouring everything you have into them, it’s time to roll it back and redirect some of that care onto yourself.
Quick tips for disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachment style
- Gently name your fears instead of hiding them. Start by writing your fears down before sharing them.
- Create emotional safety by setting boundaries and choosing relationships where trust is earned, not forced.
- When you feel the urge to pull away, pause and ask: “Am I protecting myself or pushing away support?”
- Practice asking for reassurance in small, low-stakes ways to build confidence over time.
- Remind yourself that it’s okay to want love and still feel scared. Feeling scared doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you.
If your partner has a disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachment style
If your partner is the one who identifies with this style, support and understanding will be the transformative power that can help them build a solid foundation to grow.
Above all, work to provide a safe space for them to explore their emotions and open up about them.
When they do, rain down the praise and understanding.
Let them know how proud of them you are for trusting you enough to share it with you.
Talk through their concerns, and offer reassurance wherever possible.
Try to understand why they feel the way they do and explore ways you can work together to help them move through them.
Most importantly, offer as much gentle support as you can, encouraging them to open up.
Remember: relationships are a journey
At the end of the day, regardless of your attachment style, it’s crucial to work toward identifying how you may have gotten there…and it may have been something from way back.
Childhood experiences often play a big role in how we feel in relationships, and acknowledging those roots can help you navigate the tumultuous waters toward healthy, thriving relationships.
Relationships will rarely (if ever) be easy.
They take work.
But you’re worth every ounce of effort, both toward yourself and from others.
Shifting toward secure attachment isn’t overnight magic— but every step forward brings happier, healthier relationships closer. You’re already doing amazing by learning and growing.
Before we go, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
What’s one small change you could make today to support moving into a healthier attachment style in relationships?
