I know we’re all adults here.
Theoretically, we know that acting desperate and needy for someone’s attention is unattractive.
Acting needy, clingy and desperate isn’t something that anyone sets out to do intentionally, so we’re all likely to say to ourselves, “well that isn’t me. I just love them SO MUCH.”
Well… that’s a trap.
In over a decade of experience in coaching, I’ve noticed some major signs someone is going to drive the other person away if this hasn’t started already.
The root of these behaviors is fear and insecurity. In the relationship it comes out like clingy and needy behavior.
Usually people don’t realize they’re acting clingy and insecure until the person they are with sits them down and ends the relationship or worse, ghosts them completely.
Even then, it can be a total mystery to them why the relationship fell apart.
Especially since they though they were doing everything right.
Whether they realized it or not, at some point the relationship got off balance and they started acting insecure, clingy and desperate. Here are seven signs this is might be happening to you (before it’s too late):
1. You pre-clear off your schedule.
Because you expect your partner to be available at a certain day or time, you block it off without having set plans.
While this seems good on the surface— after all, you’re making time for your relationship— but the problem is that it’s likely this has caused you to neglect your other relationships, hobbies and purpose.
Make time for each other by mutual agreement, not because you’re holding out a catcher’s mitt, waiting around for their attention.
2. You dwell, analyze and worry about everything they say and do.
Since fear is uncomfortable and can make us feel out of control, sometimes we fight to gain control by analyzing everything that goes on, believing that if we understand it, we could change it.
Unfortunately, this relationship over-analysis usually causes us to say and do things that seem even more insecure, because we’re dwelling on how the relationship is going so heavily.
3. You’ve view their time with other people as your competition.
Getting jealous a lot?
Feel angry and pissed off that he’s spent an hour on the phone with his brother?
Getting bent out of shape over the fact that they’re spending time with other people is a sign you’re acting desperate, clingy and needy.
It’s a huge mistake to give in to these feelings and give your partner a hard time about the time they spend with others. It just makes you look (and feel) controlling and unattractive to them.
4. They tell you they aren’t getting enough alone time.
If your partner is actually asking you to back off, then for heaven’s sake, BACK OFF.
For any relationship to thrive, both people need the opportunity to rest and recharge away from each other.
You can’t make someone love you more by trying to spend every waking moment with them. You’ve got to give the relationship space to breathe.
5. You shower them with unreciprocated gifts and praise.
Because you’re feeling off balance, it can be tempting to overcompensate by trying to give them everything in an attempt to show them how much you care about them and the relationship.
When they’re backing away, it can feel like the right move to try to draw closer.
6. When they don’t reciprocate, you feel resentful.
If you were honest with yourself, it would become clear that you’re giving to get something back from them, be it gifts, praise or simply their attention.
Conditional giving is not a good look and you probably already know that, but often people do this without consciously intending to.
The test for whether you’re trying too hard and giving too much in a relationship is this: does it feel like there’s give and take in your relationship or does it feel like you’re doing all of the giving?
If it’s the latter, you’re probably giving to get, out of a sense of fear or insecurity about the relationship’s future.
7. You’re laser focused on getting a deeper commitment.
When we feel insecure and are prone to worrying that someone is pulling away from us, often we try to pursue them for reassurance that they’ll never leave us.
Trying to create security this way is usually destructive, because the other person senses that it is about fear and not wanting to create a life with them.
8. Pressuring the other person for reassurance.
Creating pressure in a relationship is not always about trying to secure a ring and a date for marriage.
Desperation and clinginess can also look like pressuring the other person for reassurance they will never leave or hurt you.
Telling a confused person about reality only helps if they consider the message you try to give them. The only thing that truly breaks people out of fear and insecurity is deep insight, but that comes from them, not their partner.
The problem with fishing for reassurance is that the other person can only do so much. Your partner can’t make you feel better feelings. Only you can do that.
Constantly looking for reassurance to soothe your fear is emotionally taxing for the person who has to deal with the weight of your insecurity.
9. Constantly policing your “needs” in the relationship.
Another way people act needy and clingy is to get controlling about what they imagine they need in the relationship.
Then, they either silently keep score or or loudly mention their needs in a way that is meant to encourage the other person to keep meeting them.
This has the effect of making them the main character in the relationship who is catered to in a effort to soothe their fears.
When left unchecked, these insecure behaviors and attitudes often destabilize the relationship and cause the other person to want to pull away and leave.
In fact, all of the clingy and insecure behaviors I’ve shared are the result of fear and insecurity.
When you work on soothing the fear and insecurity, the need to secure your relationships through action disappears.
Love is the only thing that really secures a relationship.
To get my help creating a happy, stable relationship, check out my current one-on-one coaching arrangements here.
