Here’s how to tell when it’s time to leave your relationship.
Ever gone back and forth about whether it’s time to leave or keep trying to fix things?
I’ve been in this spot and it’s really tough.
In one relationship I went back and forth for months on whether or not I should dump him before (to my shock) he finally broke it off.
Even though I should have been happy and relieved that I didn’t have to do the dumping, I was horrified that he beat me to the punch.
Oddly, I had a really hard time getting over it.
This made it very clear that while I was slowly building my case for leaving, he was actively constructing an escape hatch himself.
Deep down I was hoping that the boring relationship I was having with him would magically transform into the relationship I wanted, even though I was actively ignoring several really big red flags.
So what exactly are good reasons to break up?
Here are six solid reasons to break up and move on:
1. Abuse
If you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s definitely time to go.
You should not have to protect yourself by walking on eggshells, worrying that they are going to snap at any moment.
I know that saying “break up with them” is easy to say but much harder to do.
However, you owe yourself a chance to have a great relationship without fear.
If you’re experiencing any type of abuse, don’t pass go, don’t collect $200; it’s time to dump them right now.
It does not get better, it will not change, you can’t hold out for things to improve.
I don’t want to scare you, but these things escalate and I don’t want you to become a statistic before it’s too late.
In case you need a reminder, you can do it, you are worth it.
2. You have very different life goals
Do you feel like you could seriously live without getting married?
Do they desperately want a deeper commitment except you’re just not interested or ready?
Do they want kids and you don’t, or vice versa?
Even if you love someone with all your heart, it isn’t fair to stay with them in circumstances where either you or the other person would have to compromise entire life goals for the relationship to work.
Some compromise happens in all relationships, but too much compromise on the big things leads to crushing resentment.
Part of loving someone is letting them go if you can’t share a vision for your future together.
If this is true for you, I feel for you and also, have faith that you have the courage to end any relationship that isn’t serving you.
3. Cheating
Whether or not to leave or take someone back after cheating can be a tough decision.
On one hand, you might desperately want to repair the relationship, but on the other, be so angry you can barely be in the same room without wanting to rip their head off.
If you’ve found out that your partner was unfaithful, it is an individual choice to decide what to do.
You can forgive them and live in fear they will cheat again, or you can dump them and wonder what would have happened if you had stayed.
Being cheated on is a horrible situation to find yourself in, but leaving is totally justified.
Also, sometimes people cheat because they actually want out but are feeling too cowardly to end the relationship.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be settled for because my partner feels a bunch of duty and obligation, but not genuine love toward me.
4. There is a pattern of disrespect
Do they treat you disrespectfully?
Does they continually not do what they say they will?
Do they regularly make mean jokes at your expense that hurt your feelings?
Often, a pattern of disrespect is really hard to recover from once it begins.
Do you really want to live the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t have proper respect for you?
Life is both too long and too short for this kind of nonsense. GO!
5. You have a dead bedroom
Have you stopped feeling attracted to them?
Do you feel like you’re living with a brother or sister?
Do you actively hope that they won’t initiate sex because one or both of you never wants it?
Have your attempts to put the spark back in your relationship just fizzled out?
Have they stopped wanting to have sex with you?
You owe it to both of you to have a sexual pairing on top of an emotional one if that’s what you both want.
Examine whether there might be medical reasons why you both are having trouble in the sack, but keep in mind that compatibility waxes and wanes.
My genius mother always told me that problems start in the bedroom and travel outward, not the opposite.
I’ve found this to be largely true.
When one or both partners aren’t into having sex or they have incompatible sexual needs, the relationship is hard to maintain.
Also, seek counseling or therapy if you can afford in and your partner is willing to attend. It might make all the difference.
6. Your gut tells you to run
I’m a big believer in following your true, deep gut feeling.
If you have that nagging feeling that it’s time to break up and you just aren’t ever going to have your dream relationship with them, then it is time to leave.
This “gut idea” thing is really subjective– plus anxiety lies, so here’s a method that I use to determine whether a gut feeling is really genuine or based on a momentary emotional response.
In a moment of quiet, close your eyes and visualize a time you were really happy in your relationship.
As you go back to that time, let yourself strongly relive that memory.
Spend a few minutes vividly bringing back the visuals, smells, tastes, sounds and feelings from that time.
Let the memory fade and then open your eyes.
Does the nagging feeling return?
If the doubt that this is your forever relationship comes rushing back, it is probably time to make a change.
Making the decision to leave a relationship is difficult.
I realize that it’s easy for me to say “dump them” but it’s much harder to do in practice. This is your life and heart on the line.
That’s why it’s worth carefully considering whether or not you have really tried everything to make it work. Have you had the tough conversations?
Do you know deep down that you have tried everything?
Whether or not you have truly done everything you can do, truly matters. I talk to people all the time who left when they were frustrated and regret breaking up.
However, if you decide to make the leap, understand that it is for the best.
You can’t get your dream life while continuing to settle for less than you really want.
If it is finally time to go, find out how to break up neatly and gracefully here.
