(Go back to part 1 here.)
Our first question this week is from Goodman who wants to know what he should do about emotionally connecting with his ex who has created a boundary about connecting with him on a surface level only.
“Tonight, I met up with R after two months and gave her what she needs for her school, which was pretty much the reason we scheduled this meet up. I used some of the tips that you suggested to diffuse her limiting beliefs. Her response is she has a reason to not go deeper.
Now, we got to the real stuff. She said she’d make her boyfriend uncomfortable.
I told her, “I don’t know who you are dating now and haven’t asked… What I wish to have is what true friends have, a genuine, caring, authentic connection.”
She said, “maybe someday.”
But she knows what I mean – that’s emotional connection. She even said that.
I told her I missed the true connection.
She said the surface level is what she can have with me because we can never go to the past to have a long conversation to talk about feelings because it is the past.
True, meaning is it only beings to relationships?
Guess it was her limiting beliefs.
I did my last try. Well, I can have a true connection with a true friend and I think you probably can too.
Given the situation, what can I do to deepen the connection?
I hope to hear your answer in a week from YouTube. Say hello to Mika and consider bringing her to Relationship Inner Game.
Stay in touch,
OK, Goodman. So when it comes to this, you really have to accept the person that’s in front of you as they are, right?
If that person can only give you a surface level connection and interaction, you have to ask yourself if that’s the kind of person that you want to be in a relationship with.
Do you want to be in a relationship?
Do you want to pursue a relationship with somebody who is dating somebody else or who can only give you a surface level connection or conversation because she doesn’t want to make her current partner uncomfortable?
If that’s what her boundary is and she’s not willing to budge on that, then again, you have to accept her as the person that she is right now.
If you cannot accept her that way and you feel some sort of urge to change her boundary for her, then that is a strong sign that you should not be pursuing a relationship with that person, right?
Even if she does change and open up to you, then it’s probably not going to last because she’s going to most likely feel the need to change for you or it’s going to result in resentment because she changed for you.
The big picture behind everything that we teach here is NOT to change somebody else and get them to behave differently towards you.
Simply look at that person and say OK, is this the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with?
Can I accept this person 100% as the person that they are right now in front of me?
And if you can accept them, then great.
Go ahead and pursue a relationship with that person.
If you cannot accept them, you need to ask yourself:
“Is the reason I cannot accept this person the way that they are right now because I’m somehow messing up this connection by bringing myself to it in an inauthentic way? Or is it because we just don’t have the same values?”
If she doesn’t have the value of, “I want to develop an emotional connection with a man who is not my boyfriend.”
Then trying to get her to change that value for you is a very dangerous road to go down and something that I would not recommend doing.
Again, you have to accept her the way that you found her.
If you cannot do that, in my opinion, the best thing to do is to let go of her and to create a space in your life for someone that you can accept 100 percent the way that you find her.
There are going to be little things that you can or cannot enjoy about a particular person. But as long as it’s not the big things, right?
As long as you can actually have an emotional connection with that person, and share similar values with each other, then that’s really what I’m talking about.
We’ll probably talk about bringing Mika back onto this once we figure out new parenting and get childcare for our baby and all that stuff. For now, it’s just me here. Mika is doing most of the parenting stuff. When I get home at the end of the day, I help out with that as much as I can. But it’s mostly me for the time being.
Thanks again, and I hope everything works out great for you, Goodman, moving forward from here.
Continue to part 3 here.
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