The whole concept of “high value” men and women makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Maybe it’s the phrasing, since it’s truly about the signs someone is worth your time.
Nonetheless, over the decade plus that I’ve been a dating and relationship coach, I’ve realized my definition for a “high value man” is WAY different than women who come to get my help.
Looking for the wrong things keeps women who would otherwise make great partners stuck in a shallow, status-seeking, heartbreak loop. It’s one of the first things I help debug.
The bad news is that looking for the wrong things makes you completely repellent to good men who make great partners.
The good news is that once women learn my definition of a real high value man and start looking for him– instead of looking for a ridiculous fake perfect man (who doesn’t exist), they tend to get the love they really wanted all along.
This is the kind of love that is about creating real security in partnership with a man, where you get to build your dream life together.
And it’s never about how many zeros are in their bank account.
That’s why it’s time for me to address what “high value” in dating actually is.
There is so much talk about “having standards in dating,” and “how to attract a high value man” but standards for what?
What exactly is “high value” in dating and relationships really?
Are we talking about money? Are we talking about social standing? Status?
Are we talking about creating an imaginary yard stick for someone to meet and then crossing them off your list when they don’t want a Ferrari?
Not unless you want to have a horrendously bad time and never find true love.
What someone has right now– as far as material things– is NOT a good indicator of who they are and whether they will make a “high value” life partner for you.
Who a man actually is, down deep should be your main concern when considering whether or not you should keep spending time with him.
That’s why so many women sabotage themselves with all this talk about “attracting a high value man.”
No one seems to really know what the heck that actually is, so they look at what is most obvious– a man’s financial and social status.
So what are the real signs he’s a high value man to date?
The best way to tell if a man is worth your time is to closely observe what he does rather than what he says.
This is both as a human being in the world and in relationship to you.
It’s easy for anyone to talk a good game about caring, wanting a commitment and even loving you but what happens when he is challenged? Tested? Who is he really when things are going badly?
Here are some of the most important signs a man is high value and worth your time:
1. He is single.
You are worth having a man who you could have a future with. You deserve to be number 1 a man’s life once you’ve established a long-term partnership.
You should not have to hide your relationship because he is married or is otherwise attached to someone else.
If you fall madly in love with a married man, you must leave the married man alone even if it is hard and painful.
You don’t want to “catch” anyone who is already “caught.”
A relationship built on dishonesty is one that will crumble under the same dishonesty. You want a man and relationship that is clean and unencumbered from all the guilt and bad karma.
If it’s really true love with that married man, he will do what it takes to become single for a chance with you. But not while you’re sticking around, giving him your precious time while he figures it all out.
Don’t give him your time, attention or body until he frees himself up honorably.
2. He is kind and respectful.
This goes for everyone in his life, not just you. Most people are on their best behavior when you start dating them.
It is easy for him to be nice to you, because there is something to gain, but how does he treat the other people in his life? How about people he doesn’t know at all?
The old cliche, if “he is not nice to the waiter, he is not nice” is really true here.
Same goes for the mailman, his mother, strangers (within reason) and animals.
3. He takes personal responsibility for himself and his circumstances.
Get rid of all men who believe the world owes them something.
The attitude that he isn’t responsible for his problems is a bad sign because when (not if) you run into problems together, you want him to be proactive about making changes.
People who take responsibility for their lives are much easier to work with to solve problems. A hard-done, victim mentality should be deeply repellent to you.
To screen for this, watch for statements about “terrible luck,” “everyone is against him,” the general idea that “people are out to get him” or the world owes him something.
A high value man is flexible and up to the task of solving problems he has control over.
When takes responsibility and is a problem-solver, he will be motivated to make both of your lives better and have the tools to do so.
4. He handles his finances responsibly.
It doesn’t necessarily matter how much he makes, it matters how he manages his money.
Is he always broke before the next payday? Does this make sense?
Does he save? Does he pay taxes? Is he in debt? Does he constantly borrow or lend money? What is his perspective on gambling?
If your relationship continues long term, you will probably be combining at least some of your money. Is he someone you would feel comfortable doing this with?
5. He has good manners.
Would you describe him as a gentleman?
I’m talking more about the kind of manners where people are aware of other people, not which salad fork to use. Good manners show thoughtfulness and the ability to pay attention to other people.
We want someone thoughtful, right?
Right.
6. He is faithful.
Did he cheat on your or in a past relationship? If so, what does he think about it?
It’s one thing when someone is clear that they cheated in the past and would never, ever do it again. It’s another if they feel it was justified or they did it for revenge.
Some people just aren’t cut out for monogamy.
But, if you want a monogamous relationship, you are incompatible with someone who has a pattern of being willing to sneak around, lie and cheat.
7. He is truthful.
No, this does not include the question “do I look fat in this dress?”
A high value man is truthful about the important things. Little white lies to spare your feelings are acceptable.
Big lies are not.
Watch to see if he tells whoppers to other people. If he lies to others, he is guaranteed to lie to you eventually.
A shaky relationship with the truth is a dangerous red flag and can often identify a psychopath. Trust, but verify.
8. He is easygoing about the little things.
When you are picking out a long term mate, you want them to be able to roll with the punches.
You don’t want a hot headed, critical man who makes you or others feel on edge. Watch carefully how he handles mistakes made by you.
Watch how he handles inconvenience, changes of plans and mistakes by you and others.
A flexible partner with good emotional coping skills is extremely valuable.
A partner who is emotional, sensitive and easily offended is hard to live with.
9. Find out what angers him and how he handles it.
I would never suggest to go out of your way to intentionally make someone angry.
However, you really want to know how he handles his anger, specifically when it’s directed at you.
Does he use name-calling, underhanded or mean tactics when he argues?
Can he talk through problems?
Is he able to continue to be kind and respectful when he is angry?
Will he eventually calm down and discuss it with you to solve the problem?
These are all things that you need to know before you decide whether he is right for your future. Conflict can strengthen your relationship or it can erode it.
10. He is actively working toward meeting specific goals that he can tell you about.
Find out what he is working toward and if he is driven to create something for himself.
A high value man for you will be interested in creating something and whose vision is similar to yours.
What someone wants to create for themselves doesn’t need to be lavish or grand, but it must be specific.
This is not about whether he’s been married to the idea of becoming a lawyer since he was 5. It’s about whether or not he is willing to create a vision for his life, make a plan and see it through.
For example, my first fiancee in my 20’s could only ever say that his biggest goal in life was to “be happy.” When asked what exactly this meant to him, he would just shrug.
Now, him telling me he wanted happiness IS specific. It might be incomprehensible to me, but that was the problem.
Since happiness is not a goal, it is a feeling– he never created very much. This became a sticking point when it became obvious that I was the only one in our relationship with a bigger vision for my life.
I don’t know if he ever got happiness, but I hope so. This just was not the same vision I held.
11. He is not a bigot.
Does he go on angry rants about groups of people?
Does he dislike large, specific groups of people because of their race, creed or national origin?
Does he have a him vs. them mentality?
This is bad news. I’m sorry, but you’re dating a bigot.
Don’t stand for being with someone who believes that he is magically better than anyone else by virtue of the way his genes lined up at birth.
When reasonable people let unreasonable people go unchecked because they are being polite or have no personal standards, very bad things happen.
Don’t spend your life with someone who is so confused about life that they think this is okay.
12. He handles stress resourcefully.
Eventually, one or both of you will face difficulties in your life together. If he’s under pressure, notice how he handles it and whether this seems reasonable or not.
Years ago on Christmas eve, my (ex) husband and I were hosting family Christmas at our home for both of our extended families.
A pipe burst in the basement and it started to flood.
My parents calmly asked if we knew a plumber to call.
My (ex) husband went upstairs, poured a glass of whiskey and pounded it. I would have been less judgmental if he had called the plumber after the whiskey, but he just kept freaking out.
He was not the one to call anyone or do anything useful. My father and I ended up handling everything while my husband watched.
Responsible stress coping techniques include taking a step back, meditation, social time with friends, workouts, coaching and therapy.
Irresponsible stress coping techniques include lashing out in anger, binge drinking, overeating, drugs, heavy procrastination, self-sabotage and withdrawal.
How you both handle everyday stressors can make or break your relationship over the long run. Things might be great right now, but eventually things happen in life. How does he handle them?
13. He is generous and giving.
Generosity of spirit is what you’re looking for here.
How does he handle giving? Is he generous with his time, money, resources and in the bedroom?
Men who are falling in love or at least open to seeing where things go tend to want to share their resources– even if they are usually a bit frugal.
14. A high value man values civic responsibility.
Does he want to leave the world a better place? How does he handle authority figures? Does he volunteer or donate?
If you volunteer or donate (please consider it, it enriches and expands your life exponentially) what does he think about that? Does he think giving to others is stupid or lame?
He doesn’t have to be your twin when it comes to social causes, but respecting what you value is key.
15. He is family oriented and gracious with yours.
Since we didn’t choose the people in our families, hanging out with family can be a mixed bag.
The key here is the genuine desire to try.
Does he make an effort to be nice to your difficult grandmother or cranky sister?
Is he willing to make an effort without an immediate payoff?
Does he try to make your family feel welcome in his life to the level you want?
If he throws you under the bus or avoids putting in boundaries when your in-laws treat you badly, watch out.
In turn, is he open to let you meet his tribe? How do they treat you?
More importantly, how does he react to their treatment of you?
For example, my partner loves my family and makes an effort to see them every time they visit.
However, he does not enjoy spending time with his own family and gets dragged into arguments he would rather not have.
As a result, I’ve spent very little time with his family and we spend plenty with mine.
This works because he is thoughtful and makes an effort to protect me from things I won’t enjoy. This is what makes it work. It’s not about either of you having a perfect family.
16. He wants the same big things as you do.
Do you want kids and/or marriage? Does he?
Where does he see himself living? Does he work all the time? Do you? How much time does he want to spend with his life partner?
The specifics aren’t as important as it is that your desires match up.
17. You have similar interests.
This is more important for later than it is for right in the beginning with all that new relationship energy flowing.
When the chemistry is flowing and everyone is on their Sunday best behavior (usually in the first 6 months), this kind of incompatibility is not so obvious.
However, once staring lovingly into each other’s eyes becomes stale, you really want to have at least a few shared interests to fall back on.
This is especially true if things ever get rocky between you and you need something to revitalize the relationship.
With men in particular, shared activities are an excellent way to build and nurture your bond over time.
This is why if you struggle to find things to do in common (or are unwilling to try new things) the relationship will eventually grow stale and lifeless.
18. Cyber (or regular) stalking him seems kind of lame past the first few dates.
A high value man will not wake up that red flag alert part of your brain that makes you feel the strong desire to comb through the finer details of his life.
He just won’t awaken that part of your intuition that says to you, “there is something to look for, and I have to dig for it.”
If you seriously feel the need to snoop because you think you might actually find something, even if you don’t act on it, pay attention.
Intuition often has a good reason for this kind of suspicious feeling. Keep an eye on it. If you tend to cyber stalk with no valid reason, maybe it’s time to reconsider this.
If you had a bunch of heartbreak and baggage in your past or got betrayed, that is probably more about you than him.
A healthy partner will reassure you up to a point but he cannot magically make you feel safe when you never do.
19. You feel welcome at his house.
If you’ve never been invited to his place, this is something to keep an eye on.
I totally understand that hanging out at his place might not be the most comfortable or right for both of you.
However, an available, high value man who is interested in you will be open to at least showing you his home and introducing you to any roommates he might have.
If you have dated for a while and haven’t seen it, suggest that you both spend the evening watching movies there or something casual. Be suspicious if he squirms.
The key here– as in many of these signs a man is worth your time is transparency. He’s open at least to showing you what he’s really like, because he wants the same in return.
20. He doesn’t intentionally try to make you feel jealous.
He doesn’t talk about, obviously gawk at or otherwise intentionally try to cause jealousy about your place in his life.
He doesn’t bring up his past conquests.
He doesn’t say and do things to intentionally make you feel off balance or like you don’t measure up to his standards.
And, as an aside– it’s controversial but heterosexual men absolutely do look at other women besides who they are in love with.
However, respect is what you’re actually looking for. You should have absolutely no idea he saw that gorgeous woman at the grocery store.
This is respectful both to you and the woman at the store.
Also, he should not tell you all about his sexual encounters with other women.
A good match for you should not “still have a thing” for anyone else once you get to a monogamous place with them.
21. He maintains strong friendships with people who you don’t (always) want to strangle.
The kinds of people we enjoy spending our precious time with show who we are.
While it is common for a man to have one or two friends who you don’t completely love, make sure that as a whole, he associates with moral, ethical people who treat both of you well.
And, his attitude about introducing you to his friends will tell you a lot about him.
While it’s not necessary for you to be involved every time he spends time without you, it’s suspicious if he is completely unwilling to introduce you to his friends eventually.
22. He is thankful and appreciative.
When you add positive things to his life, he notices and appreciates it.
An thoughtful attitude of gratitude is ideal here.
You really don’t want to wake up years down the road in a thankless relationship where you feel taken for granted.
23. He deeply values health but never makes you feel bad about yourself.
The best people are the ones who inspire you to be a better person not because they nag you but because of the example they set.
You want someone who takes care of themselves and who want you both to live a long time.
If you are together for the long term, you are both going to get old. Do you want to lose all attraction for him or worse, lose him early? I hope not.
24. He maintains regular contact with you.
We all know that sinking, nagging worry that the guy we’re interested in has suddenly disappeared or is seriously pulling away.
This off-balance, deeply afraid feeling in your gut about what he is doing or whether you are going to see him again is a red flag.
A guy who cares about you absolutely will not want to give you any reason to doubt him.
25. He has a compatible sense of humor.
A sense of humor is vital. Humor is what will make your life fun over the long run.
You don’t want to spend your whole life with someone who is overall kind but humorless and boring, right?
I’ve talked about it before, but a sense of humor that compliments yours is 100% vital to your long term happiness together.
The ability to laugh and play together is part of what makes life worth living in long term partnership.
26. He handles his exes gently.
A big, bad sign a man is not high value is lots of discussions about his “crazy exes.”
Or… he can’t seem to stop talking about how badly he was treated in the past.
If you feel like “wow, everyone he’s ever been with has been a complete disaster” you need to be extremely cautious in proceeding with a relationship.
While we all make mistakes in the relationship department, it is unlikely that a healthy, emotionally available person would exclusively date people who are completely unhinged.
Also, watch how he describes his exes. Does he trash them? It is normal for people to get scars along the way from their time in relationship-town, but a generally positive attitude is ideal.
Statements from him like, “well we just weren’t right for each other” are healthy.
“She is a crazy hose-beast” is not healthy.
Also, if he co-parents with his ex, how does he handle her?
A respectful, detached attitude with an eye on making things great for the child is what you want to see.
An angry, punitive attitude is a huge warning signal that he might not be worth it.
27. He is willing to invest in your happiness.
A good partner will care deeply about your happiness, just as you would about theirs.
When he generally does not seem to care if you are happy, he does not really care about you.
Above all you must value your own desires and requirements and see how he treats you in relationship to those.
If you’re struggling to get a high value man’s attention or striving to “make him like you,” it’s time to step back and see whether you actually like him that much to begin with, or you have gotten focused on winning.
Women who have high standards find that the world rises to meet them.
Also, the things on this list apply to you also. When you level up in your life, so will the quality of your matches.
