If you’ve tried online dating, you already know that it can be a real toss-up.
One day you can meet someone who seems like they have real potential, and the next is a horrible never-ending freak show.
If you aren’t attracting the people you want, it’s often written in plain sight on your profile.
Check out these reasons you might be sabotaging your online dating experience.
1. Bad photos
Eliminate photos with duck face, a mustache, you in the car, selfies in your dirty bathroom, your 24 cats, artsy photos that don’t actually include you, pics when you were slimmer or heavier, all group photos (which one is YOU?), your cleavage by itself, broody black and white portraits, weird angles that are a misleading trick, anything from more than one year ago, party photos, photos of you with kids, that cute pic with your ex cut out (or left in) and anything that would make your grandmother glare at you disapprovingly.
For your best chances at a good online dating profile, aim to provide 2-3 accurate head-shots and 2-3 accurate full body photos from within the last year. Use good lighting.
Get someone of the sex you’re interested in attracting who you trust to take a look at the photos that you’re considering. Tell them to be brutally honest about how you appear in your online dating profile. Then have someone help take more photos of you.
2. You didn’t fill out your profile
Instead of writing something about yourself in the ‘about me’ box, instead there is something along the lines of “I hate filling these out” or “I’ll fill this out later”.
This comes off in two ways. Either you have the intelligence level of a centipede or you think you’re too cool to be doing this whole online dating thing. Both are clearly unattractive.
If you don’t know what to write, think along the lines of who, what, when and why. Who you are, what you like, the place you’re at in your life and why you want a mate.
Think of your online dating profile like an advertisement. When you see one of those dumb ads where you can’t figure out what they’re advertising, how does that strike you?
Do you go out of your way to figure out what the ad means or do you just move on?
Probably the second one. The empty profile is like that.
For example, if your mission is to get lots of emails from cute, sweet guys who have minimal hang-ups and like the same stuff as you. These guys aren’t going to come back to your profile later to see if it’s still under construction. They’re going to glance at your photos, see that you didn’t take the time to fill things out and then move on.
Sure you can still get some random emails, but not nearly as many or from the same quality of men as you would if you spent a little more time to tell them who you are.
The right peros will DEEPLY care what you’re like on the inside. The picture might get them interested, but trying to get them to email you will be an uphill battle.
3. Using angry, negative language
Explaining how you’ve been burned super badly in your past and now you’re bitterly searching for the right person isn’t exactly a siren call to happy eligible singles.
Neither is mentioning that you dislike cheaters, games, drama, man children, bullshit, heartbreak, blondes, liars, meatheads, bar flies, jocks, pictures of penises, brunettes, assholes, goths, creeps, losers, chubby guys, Jersey Shore extras, skinny guys, commitment phobes, and/or sex addicts.
Weeding out people who are wrong for you is a key skill in dating.
You don’t achieve this by telling people all about what you don’t like on your online dating profile.
You weed out the wrong people by taking a look at your messages, reading what they say and judging how THEY come off to you.
Writing out a laundry list of undesirable traits makes you look bitter, shallow and mean to the same people you’re trying to attract. Just think, are liars and creeps going to think, “oh, I guess I’d better not email this one, she doesn’t like liars and creeps”? Hell no.
The negativity is just an equal opportunity repellent. Aim to get as many emails as you can with a positive, inviting, upbeat profile. Then do the weeding out privately.
4. Your profile contains long lists of things but no actual substance
Is this relatable?
“I like Fifty Shades of Grey, Star Wars, travel, beer, shopping, frisbee golf, coffee, friends, nice guys, jewelry, Christmas, dolphins, sunsets, flowers, sunrises, The Notebook, food, sports, Modern Family, green tea, motorcycles, sun dresses, Dexter, Despicable Me, photography, Ernest Hemingway, blah blah blah”
Maybe you’ll get lucky and your soulmate will pick out one or two things on the list and write you a message that says “OMG I ALSO LOVE JEWELRY AND SUNBATHING!!” but the probability isn’t good.
It’s hard to relate to a list and easier to just skim over it. While you should be mentioning your interests, it’s better to tell the reader a story about you.
Something like:
“I really enjoyed traveling to Madrid last summer with several good friends. We visited a fun beer hall called Naturbier which has beer taps at each table. I also loved visiting the Royal Botanical Garden and seeing the Japanese garden.”
This way you’ve told me you’re interested in travel, friends, flowers and beer without making a meaningless list of things.
5. You’re boring
Saying the same thing about liking new things, your family, dolphins and sunrises makes you forgettable and just like the last person’s profile.
You say that you like going out just as much as staying home and dressing down. Then you mention that you want someone funny and intelligent who knows what he wants.
This reads like everyone else’s boring online dating profile form letter.
Try a different angle with your profile using the unique information about you. If it sounds like a cliche when you’re writing it out, it probably is.
6. You’re not funny
There’s nothing quite like saying, “I have an amazing sense of humor and you should too” then moving right on to the next point. Ok, I guess I’ll take your word for it.
If you’re funny, write something funny.
Don’t tell about your traits when you can show them.
7. You’re full of it
Don’t lie. Don’t embellish. This includes your photos. Don’t invent an interest in your local sports teams to try and seem interesting to guys. Tell the truth.
You want someone to meet you in person and think you’re even more amazing than your profile.
The person you’re dating shouldn’t feel bait and switched once they finally meet you and find out what you’re really like. Also, making yourself sound like the most interesting person in the world brings out healthy skepticism.
Even if you ARE the most interesting person in the world, don’t try and sound like it. Just let it flow naturally.
8. You mention the bedroom too much
Make sure your profile is in the correct category and then leave it at that.
Mentioning intimacy right away makes you seem cheap and shallow. People are already thinking about sex all the time. No reason for you to bring it up in your online dating profile.
9. You don’t optimize
Say you’ve been on your first 435 coffee dates and no one was remotely like someone you might want to date long term. If this is the case, it’s time to think about optimizing your profile.
Have a friend or family member take a look who you know will be brutally honest about what they think.
Often a fresh set of eyes is really helpful. So is deleting the whole mess and starting fresh. Change things up and see if you start attracting different people.
10. Your responses suck
This part isn’t exactly part of your profile but it involves how you respond to the people who take the time to reach out to you. I’m a full believer in dating karma.
Say you get an email from someone you just aren’t attracted to or who happens to mention several of your absolute deal-breakers in their profile.
This can go either one of two ways.
You can write back a short note mentioning that you don’t think it’s a good fit (don’t give reasons, you aren’t breaking up with anyone) and wish them luck, or you can just not respond and then delete the message.
I’ve tried both, and had mixed responses from the first approach.
The people who respond either say something like, “Thanks, best wishes to you also” and immediately raise my respect for them, or they get all offended and say something rude.
Either one doesn’t require a further response.
The thing to absolutely NOT do is say something rude, no matter what kind of message you receive.
Do not criticize, call the person a creep or even say anything if it’s really bad.
Do not be offended by the way they approached you or mention that you’d like him to say more than just “hi”. If they aren’t for you, just move on.
Think “class” in all of your online dating interactions.
11. You just aren’t ready to date right now
There is no sooner way to disappoint yourself and a total stranger than to be unsure of what you’re doing.
If you’re hung up on someone else, have recently broken up or are half-in, half-out of a relationship, step away from the computer.
Heal first, then date.
MORE: Ladies, Listen Up: Your Worst Online Dating Mistakes (According to Men)
