Hi Elizabeth,
I am a 51 year old single woman but I am chatting, sporadically, to a slightly younger (5 years) man I met online. He ticks many of my boxes, gorgeous, successful, very romantic, gentlemanly etc. I want to push for a meeting but I do want him to make the first move and ask me out however my hints seem to fall on deaf ears. Any advice on how to take the relationship from text to date without looking needy, desperate or taking on the male role would be greatly appreciated.Thank you in advance,
HowDoIGetHimInFrontOfMe
Online dating is a really tricky beast. Sometimes it goes smoothly— and other times it’s downright puzzling. Unfortunately, this kind of situation is the latter.
Here’s the problem with your situation. You don’t actually know him well enough right now to know if he’s really romantic, gentlemanly and the rest of the things you think he is because he hasn’t been in the same room with you yet.
Now, this doesn’t mean that he’s not really all of those things, it’s just that who he really is remains to be seen. Right now, all you have to go on is your perception of him through some text messages. And there’s a service that can do that. Who he really is remains to be seen.
Unfortunately, the longer this flirtation stays in the realm of him just sending you romantic text messages but not taking the plunge to ask you out— the more attached you’ll get to him.
One thing is for certain, he’s had ample opportunity to make the next move and take you out— and he hasn’t pounced on you yet.
And unless you get in front of him very soon, in person to see what he’s really like— and if his photos are ACTUALLY HIM, or if he has a tell-tale lack of tan on his ring finger— so far, all you’ve got is a fantasy.
Which I get that you understand already— which is why you’re asking how to get him in front of you— a goal that I support.
Except that if everything is good and normal, you shouldn’t need to try to pull this along. The fact that you do at all, is unfortunately a sign that it might not be all it’s cracked up to be.
However if you don’t speak up, you might never know. That’s why I think you should say straight out— “hey, so on (insert your day), I have an hour available, we should get together for coffee/a drink/whatever.” After he responds (hopefully positively), then you can decide what he’s like during the meet up.
If he stalls, is vague or ignores you, it’s time to call it a day and move on. He knows where to text you if he wakes up and wants to see you.
If your meet up is successful, then you can let him take the lead for the rest of the courtship.
I support the idea behind not wanting to take on the masculine role. The problem is that if he was fulfilling that role already, he would have already gotten you in front of him to see what you were really like. He’d be dying to meet you.
The fact that he hasn’t made the move to do it spells bad news.
That’s because someone who’s arousing your interest and proclaims that you’re doing the same for him— should WANT to meet you. He should get butterflies at the thought. He should be actively trying to plan something.
If put aside “his potential” for a moment and really think about it, normal, healthy single men are usually not bursting to overload with potential sexual opportunities.
Sure, they have the occasional opportunity, but that beast always needs feeding. Following that logic, he doesn’t have a chance of closing the deal in the bedroom ever, unless he can get in the same room with a woman.
And the fact that he’s not actively trying to get you in front of him so he could even potentially close that deal is a big, flashing red flag that something’s up.
So make your move and be careful. Sending you positive energy! Update me on how it turns out.
-Elizabeth
