Hi, I’m Elizabeth Stone. Here’s today’s question about healing after a breakup:
Should I ever talk to someone else if I’m not healed from my ex?
I feel like if I do then I could hurt someone else’s feelings and my own. What do I do if I feel hopeless in finding someone for me again?
This is a really common thing people think about and mention to me all the time in coaching. The concept of healing after a breakup gets people really tripped up and stuck.
It’s amazing to me– someone will tell me all about how they’ve been divorced for 5 years and mention they “aren’t ready to date” because they’re still healing.
Is there a timer somewhere? How do you know that healing is done?
That’s the problem with thinking that you have “heal” as a concept, as though it is a clear doorway to walk through.
You get to choose who you talk to and when you do it. You’re the one living with you.
And, everyone “heals” differently.
Some people find it helpful to get out and meet new people after a breakup.
Other people hate it, notice they have a lot of thinking around what dating in their situation means so they feel bad and it sets them back. But all there is, is now.
Imagine you’re healed and ready to get back out there and you will be.
Imagine that you still have to heal, then you’ll act wacky around people you might normally feel excited to meet.
It sounds as though the person asking the question believes there is a right and a wrong way to behave and wants me to explain what it is.
I understand that they’re trying to avoid hurting someone else, but this whole idea about needing to be healed before even talking to someone new is putting the cart before the horse there.
You don’t have to treat other people badly when you feel bad.
Something mixed up about “healing” is an excuse people give when they are holding out hope for their ex and don’t want to date anyone new because they imagine they’ll cause some big, dramatic scene where they are forced to dump the new person they’re dating because the person who dumped them finally circles back.
Plus, “lack of healing” is a semi-socially acceptable excuse to act out emotionally.
That doesn’t have to be what happens at all. But it’s an elegant way of keeping suffering going and avoiding reality.
And, the whole “will I hurt other people if I talk to them too soon?” idea is an abstract way of letting your hurt feelings allow you to indulge in self pity and unkind behavior with others.
So, if you truly don’t think you can be kind and friendly to other people right now, it’s always a good idea to stay away from them.
And, I know what it feels like to get dumped. It can be painful but you don’t have to suffer by thinking about yourself like you’re damaged goods that need ‘healing’ before you can enjoy anyone else’s company.
It’s also arrogant to think that you’re automatically going to be not enough because you’ve been sad lately. You can easily just tell new people what is going on with you and see what happens.
If they still want to spend time with you, then they’re making an informed decision.
If they don’t, then you’ve saved both of your time.
The way out of suffering after a breakup (or any other loss) is not in waiting around thinking the same dramatically sad things, hoping you’ll feel better.
Suffering lives in the way you choose to think about any given circumstance. It’s the THINKING that causes the suffering, not the circumstances.
For example, if you think your ex was the best thing that ever happened to you but now it’s over and you’ll never find someone for you again, you’ll probably feel hopeless. And you’ll act hopeless. And you will drive yourself crazy with pain.
If you choose a more realistic thought like “this is upsetting but you’ll be okay and it’s fun to meet new people,” you’ll probably feel hopeful about meeting new people.
The more you imagine that emotional healing is something people must “do” and that it requires X and Y, the longer the whole thing will take.
If you take the situation off the pedestal and focus on the reality of the now, then you’ll feel better and be safe for other people to spend time with.
See how this works?
There isn’t anything to do about feeling a feeling– in this case, sadness and hopelessness.
If you think hopeless thoughts and then feel hopeless, you probably won’t get out and meet anyone new, because what would be the point?
If you are feeling hopeful, you’ll probably meet new people.
You’re in charge, especially when you get behind how your mind works.
To find out 7 key ways women block themselves from attracting lasting love, sign up for my free masterclass The 7 Blocks to Manifesting Love.
