A reader wonders how to move on from a long marriage when her husband cheated on her.
I was with my husband off and on for 33 years. He has cheated the whole time. Our children are now grown except for my 17 year old son. I finally left but am extremely heartbroken. I don’t know if he feels the same. I am 53 years old and don’t see any hope of finding any healthy relationships in the future. I have a lot of damage and need to work on myself. Do you have any advice on moving on and not going back to what was financial comfort and some attention from him.
–Kathleen
Thank you for your question about moving on after leaving your husband.
At first, I was going to robotically write, “I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that” because that’s what I say sometimes when I get stories where I can tell people are absolutely marinating in unhappiness.
But here’s my truth.
I’m NOT sorry you’re going through this. I’m proud of you for leaving your ex husband and making that change were probably afraid to make.
Good for you Kathleen.
You saw that your life was not living up to the standards you want for yourself and you got out.
That’s inspiring.
People don’t congratulate others often enough for changes that appear painful, like divorce or decluttering or cleaning up, but they should.
So I’m going to take this opportunity to do it now.
Excellent job.
Well done.
Congratulations.
I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Since you’re in pain right now, I understand how that could sound lofty and uncompassionate. Let me help change your mind so you can move on and don’t stay stuck in unhappiness.
As a thought experiment, imagine you’re someone else. Pick a celebrity, your neighbor, your dentist, your boss at work– anyone else.
Now, look at YOU from completely outside yourself.
Now ask yourself, “does this other being think thoughts about your ex husband?”
To make it more real, does your dentist give a shit about your cheating ex husband?
Does your dentist stay up all night feeling heartbroken about your ex husband?
Does your dentist have any thoughts about him besides, “Here’s someone with a mouth. Mouths mean business”?
Probably not, right? It sounds absurd.
Unless your ex husband has really made the rounds while acting unfaithful, it’s most likely your dentist is just going about their day, dealing with their personal perceptions, thoughts and the feelings that result.
On a super basic level, why is this?
Why do you care and feel heartbroken when your dentist does not?
Simply because of the meaning you create around your thoughts about this man and who you are by extension. Right now.
What it means if you’re having trouble moving on after divorce.
Your thoughts are what causes your negative feelings, completely, in total, all the time.
Nothing outside of you can make you feel bad.
But I realize that’s cold comfort. It’s just true and it’s helpful to know where the feelings come from.
All this situation objectively means is you’re still breathing and you have another chance as long as you decide you do.
You can either choose to believe your current negative thoughts about divorce and suffer (as author Byron Katie might say).
OR:
You can decide you’ll get a new reality for yourself where you allow this change to be the best gift you ever gave yourself.
The choice is up to you, but let’s talk about why leaving your ex probably didn’t make you happy like you imagined it would.
Why you’re still unhappy after leaving your marriage.
To leave your ex husband in the first place, you must have imagined you would be happier after leaving him. Otherwise, you probably would have stayed in the marriage.
But you aren’t happy right now, so you’re left wondering something like, “WTF? I thought I would be so much happier after leaving my husband, so now how do I move on (so I can finally feel better after all)?”
You’re still unhappy after leaving your ex husband because you didn’t upgrade your mental software (beliefs) when you threw out the old computer hardware (your old life).
You’re still running old programs about lovelessness, unworthiness and lack on new computer equipment. It doesn’t matter whether that new computer is blazing fast– if you run Windows 95 on it, you’re going to have a bad time.
And it’s that conflict between your self concept and new life that’s creating this everlasting bog of unhappiness you’re thrashing around in right now.
This situation hurts because of the identity you’ve created and decided is TRUE about this person and your future because of it.
The root cause of unhappiness after a breakup r divorce.
Unhappiness is caused by self-pity, guilt, self doubt and (oddly) feeling superior about the situation– no matter what the objective “facts” about that situation happen to be.
Given the circumstances behind your situation, you get to tell yourself “poor, sad, me” and “I would never have treated him this way” at the same time.
Victimhood is ego heroin– and you’ll stay addicted as long as you keep mainlining it.
As my mentor Homer McDonald would say– it’s shame and guilt WITH the ego stroke of self righteousness that the ego uses as justification for the victim mentality you’re stuck in right now.
Along with those thoughts of self-pity and self righteousness, people imagine that “THIS SITUATION” (however THIS appears to them) is permanent and means they’re somehow doomed to a future of unhappiness.
And all those negative judgments and thought forms are what’s creating your current reality, “I am heartbroken… and don’t see any hope of finding healthy relationships in the future. I have a lot of damage and need to work on myself.”
That’s the dance of self pity that keeps people imagining they are broken, stuck struggling to move on and still ‘healing’ after a divorce that happened umpteen years ago.
So how do you break out of this cycle so you can finally be happy and have the love you want?
How to move on from a long marriage.
The most powerful thing you can do to move on from your ex husband is to change your mind about what you imagine this all means and who you are by extension.
The way out of suffering is to be proud of yourself AND your ex husband for giving you this opportunity to create the version of you who you really want to be.
And, obviously (since you’re unhappy) there’s a difference between who you are right now and who you want to be. If you feel bad, you’re beating yourself up somehow. Not sometimes, all the time.
Knowing this truth about the human mind gives us power. A happy person is not living in victimhood.
Seriously, your dentist doesn’t give a shit, so you don’t have to either. No one is forcing you to see this transition negatively, except you.
In fact, if you wanted to create MORE sadness and disappointment, all you would have to do is hold onto the belief you mentioned, “you don’t see any hope of finding healthy relationships in the future.”
Your work is to focus on creating something new.
Do whatever you have to do to decide you’re a new version of yourself who doesn’t have this ‘problem.’
You can start seeing a coach or therapist.
You can use “The Work” by Byron Katie to get rid of these persistent, negative thoughts.
You can go on a vision quest.
You can see a psychic medium.
You can tap yourself using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).
You can just go on a bunch of dates and start telling yourself you have a bright future out there in love town.
You can pretend to be someone who is completely thrilled this is all happening right now.
Do anything except recycling this garbage you’re telling yourself about what this situation means about you.
The method you use for changing your identity doesn’t matter. Only the result does.
I know something about you by the way you wrote your message.
You have enough patience to stay somewhere you don’t appear to have been very happy with for 33 years. You have created children and even an email to me.
This means you have a track record of successfully creating new things, so you have that going for you.
Someone else would be THRILLED that they got away from that cheating jerk and have the chance to create a new life.
If you happened to be my grandmother, you could have 2-3 more husbands after this one– each more charming than the last.
Those ideas both represent different possibilities for your new identity.
Either way, to truly move on, you must commit to doing the work of being who you really want to be instead of staying stuck in this version of yourself who happens to be wavering right now.
Once you’ve got that decision made, go get your feet wet with more attempts to get the loving, close relationship you really want. Get your ass out of the house and meet some new people.
Accept that there will probably be hiccups, missteps and disappointments on the new path.
Put into proper perspective, these experiences are what it takes to have what you ultimately want, not some poor reflection on you.
Staying happy after divorce.
If you start to feel bad again and slide back into despair, martyrdom and victimhood ask yourself, “is this the version of myself who has what I really want or have I taken myself out for a mental beating?”
Are you doing the self-pity, victim “poor me” dance or are you going to be proud of this new person you’ve chosen to become?
If you don’t like what you see NOW, then commit to BEING, THINKING, DOING AND SAYING SOMETHING ELSE.
Be the version of you who is happy, fulfilled, in love, who has exactly what you really want.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
On this day– and on all other days– you have the opportunity to create something new since THIS IS YOUR ONLY JOB AS A HUMAN.
That’s how you move on from your ex husband.
Sending love to current and future you,
