I’m Kate Spring, a dating and relationship coach from Canada and I’ve got a pretty serious topic to discuss today, one that I want to jump right into and that is how to get your ex girlfriend back.
A lot of people have contacted me seeking more guidance with this. I have a problem, they say, and I’m here to help!
1. Figure out why your ex-girlfriend left you.
The first thing that is important to understand and acknowledge is why your ex left you.
There are so many reasons, and the first thing you need to do is seriously look at the relationship and take ownership for your actions or lack thereof.
Here’s a quick list of common reasons why couples breakup:
- Poor communication skill
- Being complacent and routine
- Taking your partner for granted
- Cheating—yikes
- Inability to grow and evolve together
- Want different things
- Stopped trying
The main reason why most couples split up is due to a loss of emotional attraction.
There are many reasons why relationships end, and your ex might be lying about the reasons as to why she broke up with you.
But I would say that the main reason why most couples split is due to a loss of emotional attraction.
A loss of emotional attraction is not sexual. But sexual and emotional attraction are what distinguishes a romantic relationship from a friendship.
Once you can acknowledge your part in the decline of your relationship, then we can work on repairing it.
Basically, what I’m saying is don’t play the victim card.
That gets you nowhere and leaves you as a victim of your own life. I can’t emphasize this enough. It takes two to tango, and if you aren’t dancin’, then look at your dance steps first.
Women tend to use the line, “It’s not you; it’s me,” when breaking up with their boyfriend.
This kind of absolves you of any blame for your part in the relationship. But something happened or didn’t happen between the two of you that has caused her not to want to be with you anymore.
Your work begins with you.
You have to become the best version of yourself and rebuild that attraction that you once had, but in a new way.
Your ex doesn’t want a repeat of your relationship; she wants something new and different.
I need to clear something up before we get any further.
Getting your ex back is not an overnight thing. It takes time.
Unfortunately, it’s not one simple text message to change your ex’s mind on the breakup. And you can’t do nothing there.
Getting back together requires work. It is best to understand that going into it.
If you do commit to getting your ex back and you follow the rules correctly, you will reap the benefits!
I promise you, because I’ve seen these steps work in practice. And you will be happier by the end of this.
2. Start your month of absence from her life.
Alright, step number two, once you have acknowledged that you played a part in the decline of your relationship, it is time to embark on the month of absence.
That is where you refrain from contacting your ex for the period of about a month 29-31 days.
If you follow this no contact rule, you will avoid the #1 mistake that most people make after a breakup, which is begging and pleading for your ex back. Telling her that if she just gives you one more chance you will prove to her that you’re the best boyfriend.
I’m sorry to tell you that it’s too late and that your girl has lost her emotional attraction towards you and the rule of absence is the best way to reignite that emotional attraction and to make your ex desire you once again.
There is nothing more detrimental to getting your ex back than begging her and trying to change her mind in the heat of the breakup.
Doing this can cause irreparable damage. And that’s the last thing that you want.
What is the rule of absence?
The rule of absence is to be absent from your ex’s life for a period of about a month. Roughly 29-31 days. This step is without a doubt the most important step in getting your ex back.
That means no phone calls, no texting, no emailing, no sliding into her dms, no matching with her on Tinder, no liking her Instagram pictures, no watching her Snapchat stories, no commenting on her Facebook pictures or connecting through Facebook messenger.
NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT.
This is the most important step because it lays the foundation for rebuilding your relationship with your ex. It’s like you wouldn’t build a house on a weak foundation, would you? A house that would crumble at the first sign of a storm?
You need to have a strong foundation when you want to revisit life with your ex.
That starts with yourself and not contacting her.
Your absence allows your ex to heal from the breakup and calm down about her feelings for you.
Most importantly, though, is that this time allows for your ex to become lonely and miss you. Contacting your ex for any reason at all is frowned upon.
So what if there is a death in her family that you know would devastate her?
What if it’s her birthday?
Well, okay, those warrant a message. One message.
Not a long dragged out emotional exchange. “Sorry for your loss. I know how much so-and-so meant to you.”
Or, “Happy birthday, hope you are well.”
If you feel that you must engage in this kind of talk, do not answer if she responds back.
Encouraging conversation with her will only put you back in your attempt to get her back. Stay strong and resist the temptation to message her. Talking to her will only hurt your chances of getting back together.
3. Understand how to not contact your ex after the breakup.
I completely understand what it’s like to want to contact someone that you love, but you know you should give them some space. It makes not talking to them that much more impossible.
Your whole mood changes and the way you see the world gets dimmer. You can’t eat or sleep or just enjoy the things that once made you happy.
When your whole being is shattered from a breakup, and you can’t stop thinking about your ex, you need to change your thought patterns.
You can change your thought patterns by evaluating your thoughts, are they positive or negative and/or are they about your ex?
If they are negative about yourself, your situation, your ex, or even sad, you need to change them to something positive.
The next step is to elevate them. Think of what makes you happy, make future plans, ones that don’t include your ex. This is the time to look out for number one, yourself.
If you don’t start to check the quality of your thoughts, the breakup will consume you. The mixture of emotions that comes with a breakup is futile to your happiness.
4. Pay attention to the company you keep.
Step number four in getting your ex back is to keep good company.
This is also another good way to stop yourself from contacting your ex. Hang out with friends, family and people that lift you up with positivity, not those who bring you down and want to delve into the details of your breakup and give you their unsolicited advice. Taking advice from close friends and family is all well and good, but it is biased.
Be with people that take your mind off of her, not ones that want to dwell on the breakup with you.
Dwelling on your breakup will only make you overanalyze the situation and make you paranoid or even mad and those are two states of being that you do not want to be in.
To learn more psychological strategies that will make your ex girlfriend beg you for a second chance, watch this free video presentation.
Instead of looking back at the breakup, get serious about the future and getting her back.
5. Get out and meet new people.
The fifth step in getting your ex back is to meet new people. This is one of the hardest to wrap your head around just after a breakup.
After a breakup, you want the comfort of your friends and family wrapping you with warmth and good feelings. But the sooner you relinquish your safety blanket and get back out there the better off you will be and the quicker this process of getting your ex back becomes.
Meet new friends.
Are you in school? Try to make new friends in your classes.
Do you have a job? Try to make friends with your co-workers.
The opportunities for meeting new people after your breakup are endless. You just need to take hold of them.
In meeting new people, there is another part to this that you need to do as well, and that is to start dating.
I know you might not be ready to hear this right now, but you need to start dating to see what else and who else is out there. I’m not saying that you should give up trying to get your ex back, but by being open to dating new women, you might meet someone else with whom you really connect. So leave that door open.
This is also a subtle way to incite a little healthy jealousy and let your ex know that you’re moving on from her.
This is an important step to getting your ex girlfriend back.
Chances are that you and your ex have mutual friends? If your friends catch wind of you dating and doing really well, that information will most definitely get back to your ex.
Or if you are doing new activities and posting them on your social media, I can guarantee you that she will see these and be like, “WTF, why is he doing so well without me?”
Participating in more activities leads us to our next point.
6. Work out.
Step number six for getting your ex-girlfriend back is to exercise.
Exercise comes in many forms: hiking, dancing, running, going to the gym, yoga, boxing, etc. There are so many options.
Exercise is a helpful component of changing the quality of your thoughts. Physical exercise improves not only your physical wellbeing, but also, and more importantly, your mental wellbeing.
The benefits of exercise are endless. It promotes better sleep, helps with depression, and anxiety—if those are things with which you struggle. It eases stress, and it gives you more energy. All ingredients to a better and more fulfilled life.
Most importantly, what exercise does is it makes you look and feel sexier and more confident.
Looking good is one of the easiest and best ways to make your ex crazy with desire for you by just looking at you.
If you bump into your ex unexpectedly, don’t you want her to have that “WOAH! He got hot!” moment when she sees you. As opposed to bumping into you with your cheeto dusted track pants on.
Don’t overlook this step. You want your ex to have that “WOW” moment when she sees you for the first time since the breakup.
In getting your ex girlfriend back, during the rule of absence, you will have more free time now that you aren’t spending it on her.
Exercise is also a great way to occupy your free time after the breakup.
During that period where you are not in contact with your ex, you want your ex to miss you, but you also want to become the best version of yourself.
If you’ve spent a month exercising and working on “sexifying yourself” when you bump into your ex, she will have that wow moment about you.
She will see how well you have done since the breakup. This is what we want.
For example, Alexa and Tim dated for two years.
Alexa grew very tired of Tim’s lack of communication skills and his resistance to trying new things with her.
Alexa, only 26, realized that she needed a partner, someone who would go out and explore the world with her, not someone to sit at home, smoke weed and play video games every day till midnight.
So Alexa broke off the relationship. She was sad, as she still loved and cared for Tim, but she just loved herself more and couldn’t live in that rut any longer.
This devastated Tim.
He continued to play video games till the wee hours of the night, and he tried to drink away his sorrows, which only made him more emotional and made him drunk text and call Alexa almost 4 times a week.
Tim did nothing beneficial to get Alexa back. And when Alexa ran into him at a mutual friend’s birthday party, Tim’s appearance showed that he had drunk himself into a stupor and didn’t spend any time focusing on himself in the two months since the breakup.
Alexa felt sorry for him, not attracted to him.
Doing nothing also prolonged the breakup for Tim. He was emotional, depressed and exhausted.
So when Alexa and Tim finally bumped into each other, Alexa didn’t have that, “Woah! He looks great!” moment.
She had the “Oh shit, I gotta get out of here before Tim sees me” moment.
This is not conducive to getting your ex-girlfriend back.
Have any of you watching this ever had a similar experience? Send me a comment below with your story, and or if you have any questions about how to avoid this kind of scenario. And how to turn the tables in your favor, be sure to comment and share your experience.
Trust me, if this sort of thing has happened to you, or is happening to you, you’re not alone. You just need the right tools and the right starting point to get your ex attracted to you again and begging for your attention.
The no contact period is crucial because it lets you focus on yourself and not on your ex.
The month of no contact also expedites the healing process. It lets you heal faster because you’re texting your ex every day telling her that you miss her and wasting your day waiting for her to respond.
…Only to be met with silence and to see that she is posting pictures on Instagram and blatantly ignoring you and your messages…
After a breakup, one of the hardest things to do is to give the girl you love space. But space after a breakup is exactly what she wants.
In order for you to get her back, you need to respect that space, even if she says, “let’s be friends.”
I had a client, Andrew. He contacted me right after his ex broke up with him, and he told me how she said she wanted to be friends.
Andrew said, “Alright, if we’re friends, let’s hang out right now.”
This was right as the breakup is happening. His ex was stunned.
He said she got so nervous and awkward that it made her change her mind and say that she didn’t even want to be friends with him anymore and that she just had to leave.
I don’t blame her, that’s awkward as hell.
I felt for Andrew though, because breakups hurt, and we all know that.
However, giving your ex space to grieve the relationship and calm down is the best thing you can do if you want her to miss you and somewhat romanticize the relationship you once had.
Time and space allows for a lot of good things to happen.
7. Slowly reintroduce communication.
Alright, and the seventh step in getting your ex back is to reintroduce communication.
That is, only once you have successfully completed a month of absence from your ex’s life and have not contacted her during that time. I’m serious. Hold out.
Don’t do two weeks of no contact with your ex and think you’re good to go.
No, after two weeks your emotions are still fresh, but the full month gives you the most time to work on yourself.
Now that you’re feeling and looking your best, it’s time to build a bridge back to your ex.
This is delicate, so don’t rush it. You want to be strategic and not come on too strong and to avoid looking desperate.
This is best done over text or some sort of chat (Facebook) that isn’t a phone call. You’re not asking your ex to Netflix and chill or inviting her over to make her dinner.
No, your first message after the breakup should be something that made you think of her or ask her a question that reminds her of a fond memory that you shared.
For example, “Hey, do you remember how to get from downtown to that beach we stopped at a few months back? You know that super private one that we got lost on?”
This kind of text after a breakup is perfect. It doesn’t probe into your breakup and doesn’t have an I miss you kind of sadness to it. It is upbeat and makes her think of a fond memory that the two of you shared.
This kind of message also makes her think, “Who is he taking there?” This is where you start to get in.
Another text you could send is: “Hey, did you know that that restaurant with the mechanical bull finally opened? I know you were stoked about it. Lol.”
This shows that you remember interactions between the two of you. You can’t jump into conversations with her saying, “I want to get back together with you.”
You want to avoid looking desperate, even if you are. It’s all about restraint. You need to re-attract your ex. And you can’t do that by being her puppy dog.
Avoid being overly nice to her also.
This makes it seem like you’re trying too hard to be cordial and impress her. You want her to work a little bit too.
Alright, if she replies to you, then you’re at the gate.
But, if she doesn’t respond to you, don’t worry, wait a week and revisit this. I repeat:
If she does not respond to your text, do not text her again.
Wait a week before trying again with something different.
Don’t blow up her phone and bombard her with messages. You will only be having a conversation with yourself.
This will also make you appear thirsty for her attention and like you’re still not ready to do this.
To learn even more text messages to send your ex to make her come crawling back to you, watch the free video presentation where you learn in depth texting templates that will make your ex see you in a new and more attractive way.
Once she responds, it’s all about how to get her face to face. You do this by asking her for advice on something, like advice on work.
“Hey, I’m having a hard time communicating with my boss, and I remember you went through a similar thing, mind helping me out with some of these HR documents. Coffee, my treat?”
Are you in school? It could be an easy homework question.
Are you redecorating? Ask her to help you pick out a paint color that goes with your flooring.
Or are you making travel plans? Ask her if you can pick her brain on that trip to Italy she took last summer.
Once you get her out for coffee or lunch, this is where you want to start rebuilding attraction. You have to start from scratch.
Building attraction with your ex girlfriend means that you show up being the confident version of yourself.
You just spent the past month becoming the best and sexiest version of yourself. And, here is where she will notice that.
Make sure to have strong eye contact, to touch her when appropriate. If you ease into touching her in just the right way, she will crave your touch.
For example, if you both are leaving the coffee shop together, you can hold the door open with one hand and with your other hand you can place it on the small of her back and lead her out the door. Or if you’re sitting down next to her just playfully poke/ tickle her.
Remember to be playful and keep the mood light. You want to tease her, make her crave your touch by giving it and taking it away. You want to build some sexual tension.
You can do that by bringing up positive memories of the two of you in a subtle way. Some of those memories should be of a sexual nature. That way you slowly plant the seed of being physical again. Go in being funny and charismatic.
Having a good sense of humor is key in re-attracting your ex.
You want to make her feel good being around you and making her laugh is the best way to do so.
I would avoid falling into old patterns too quickly. Your ex broke up with you and she doesn’t want a repeat of what happened.
She is most likely hanging out with you to see if you’ve changed and that spark is still there.
Thankfully, for you, that spark can be fabricated through what you do and say. So what you say to your ex-girlfriend and how you say it becomes very important.
It’s flirting with her, and teasing her through touch. Giving a little and taking it away.
You want to create a desire in her to be around you and touched by you.
For a more in-depth look at how to build attraction, watch this video I made where I share the secret language that will make her feel an uncontrollable lust for you.
And this will definitely help you to rebuild your attraction with your ex girlfriend, making it all that much more possible to get her back.
Now that you have your ex feeling good about you again, then you can move onto the next step to getting back together.
8. Move things to a more intimate setting.
You could invite her over to see how well the paint job turned out. Or invite her over to cook her dinner as a thank you for helping you with whatever favour you asked of her.
Cook her dinner. Did you spend your time apart learning how to cook? Now would be a good time to show off all that you learned by wowing her mouth and blowing her mind with a delicious meal.
Having an intimate date at your house is the perfect setting to rekindle the physical romance between you two. And thankfully, since you have already had sex before, it won’t be too difficult to get her into bed with you again.
If she wants to be intimate with you, go for it. But make sure it’s a physical intimacy that she enjoys. And by physical intimacy I mean sex.
To get your ex girlfriend back you need to break the barrier and to reignite the passion that you once had at the beginning of any new relationship.
Physical intimacy means something different for women than it does for men. So do your research. Be prepared. This is your second chance.
After you have made the best of yourself, make the best of your chance, and remember that the happiest people are not those that have the best of things, they are the ones that make the best of what they have, that is, themselves and their chances.
Alright you guys, that’s all I have for you today, but don’t forget to watch the free presentation where you will learn all the psychological strategies that will make your ex come crawling back to you.
