(Note: I originally wrote this as a guide for women to save their relationships with men, but the same principles apply no matter who you are trying to get back together with.)
Unwanted breakups usually involve a mixture of grief, heartbreak and bargaining.
If you’ve recently broken up with someone you love very much, it’s completely understandable that you would start wondering how to get your ex back, because sometimes it feels like the only way out of the pain is to get your relationship back on track.
If you are going through a breakup that you don’t want and you still love your ex, don’t despair!
I have helped thousands of people get back together with their exes and save their relationships.
If you want another chance with your ex, there is hope.
Even if they told you they never want to see you again.
Even if your ex is having a rebound relationship with someone new.
Even if you’ve been broken up for a long time.
First, to answer any burning questions you might have– if you came here because you’re wondering if your ex will come back if you leave them alone, OFTEN an ex will have a change of heart and want to get back together completely on their own.
The people who have most success at getting their exes back and staying together for the long term are prepared and know exactly what to do when their ex comes back— even when it takes an ex months to toss out a confusing text message all on their own.
…And, I know you don’t want to leave things to chance.
You want a real relationship again.
Let’s get started with how to get your ex back.
1. Stop all relationship talks and negotiations
Many people who are trying to get their ex back make the mistake of starting at the point of the breakup and using logic and reason to bargain with their ex based on the fact that they are separated want to get back together.
When you don’t agree with someone, it makes sense that you would try to discuss it with them.
When people decide to break up, they have usually thought about it for a while and the real reasons behind it are emotionally driven.
That’s why logically negotiating and bargaining with your ex about how good you are together (or whatever reason you give for why you should be together) always fails.
All you’re saying when you argue against breaking up is that you don’t agree with your ex.
That’s also why it’s so important to let your ex have their way and agree with the breakup.
This is also why negotiating, begging, pleading and bargaining with your ex boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, lover… whatever is the worst thing to do because this only reminds your ex of how difficult your relationship likely became before you broke up.
By negotiating, you’re not getting to the heart of why your ex broke up with you in the first place– their feelings.
That’s why you stop doing all of that “working to save your relationship” and agree with their decision to break up.
You can only make progress in getting your ex back when you stop all of that negotiating.
You must reset their opinion of you by going away for awhile and letting your ex miss you after the breakup.
This way your ex can forget about any icky attempts you made to “renegotiate the relationship” or “discuss the breakup.” Getting a little time and space after the breakup is a good thing for both of you.
2. Agree and apologize for your part in the breakup
Before you go no contact with your ex for a while, it’s important to apologize (if you actually did something wrong) and let them know that you agree with the breakup.
This is exactly the opposite of what your ex is expecting from you.
Wishing your the best at the end in a formal but mysterious way starts triggering those feelings in your ex as well.
Especially if your ex already knows you want them back and you have been emotional around them (I don’t blame you)– then it’s even more important that you directly take the pressure off them.
When you accept the breakup and stop showing any pain or resentment towards your ex it sends the message that you aren’t going to die without them and eventually increases their respect for you.
After you agree to the breakup, go completely no contact for a significant period of time.
Fall off the face of the Earth as far as your ex is concerned.
3. Don’t try to be friends with your ex (but always act friendly)
Lots of people make the mistake of pleading with their exes to stay friends because cutting the relationship off completely feels too devastating.
When you want your ex back, I don’t suggest that you actively try to stay friends but don’t refuse to be friends if your ex asks.
Act perfectly okay with staying friends if it’s your exe’s idea.
You don’t ACTUALLY have to be the kind of friends who smack each other on the shoulder and talk about your new flames.
I used to advise people NOT to stay friends with exes they wanted back since it was too easy to blur the lines of friendship and relationship. I don’t want you to fall into a sexual relationship with your ex while they use your body to get over you.
The problem with this breakup advice was that when you actually say “no” if your ex happens to ask you to be friends, it seems like you are now an angry enemy.
Telling your ex “We’re not friends” sends the message that your ex can’t really get in touch with you for very many reasons other than completely re-negotiating the past relationship.
If you’re NOT friends, then… you’re either “an ex,” a stranger or worse… an enemy.
None of these is what you want if you want to get your ex back.
When your ex is still in love with you, being completely friend zoned is not a problem long term.
Allow the friends label but back away gently if your starts confiding in you about new flings or asks you for sex without a commitment. Avoid starting a no strings, intimate friends with benefits (fwb) relationship with your ex.
No matter what you do, you must give him SPACE to miss you, think about you and want you around.
4. Let go of the fear that your ex will forget about you
If you were suggesting doing friend stuff with your ex because you were trying to make sure they don’t forget about you, don’t worry.
Men fall more in love when they’re away from women and have time to think about them.
Women are usually the opposite. The more a man is around us, the harder we fall in love.
Use this to your advantage and don’t mother your ex because you’re afraid they will forget about you.
If you’re watching your ex boyfriend’s dog while he’s out of town and hearing all about his dating experiences, he will use your body to get over YOU, so don’t agree to anything that puts you in a mothering position where you’re doing him a service.
When your ex still loves you, rest assured that the LESS you talk to him, the MORE you’ll be on his mind.
If you do this right, your ex will want to be around you on his own.
5. Let your ex miss you
When it comes to getting back together, making him miss you is the best way to start the process of winning your ex back.
Again, remember that your ex can’t miss you if you don’t leave them alone; keep begging him for forgiveness, or text bomb them hoping to show them the error of their ways.
If you have been trying to reason with your ex, explain your side of the story or stay in touch, going strictly no contact is the very first step to getting them back into your life because we can’t want what we already have.
Your ex can’t miss you if you’re breathing down their neck, trying to show them what they’re NOT missing out on.
6. Stay relatively quiet on social media (for now)
While it may seem like a good idea to share everything about how much fun you’re having on social media in an attempt and make your feel like he’s missing out on being with you, DON’T.
If you absolutely have to, delete Facebook and all of the social sites that you shared with your ex. You don’t want to be thrown into jealous mode every time he posts a new picture or an innocuous status update.
Right now, you and your ex both desperately need mental clarity and time apart from each other.
Your ex might not be paying attention to your 358 posts about how great things are now.
And, trying to spy on your exe’s profile to find out what they’re up to won’t help you feel better about the breakup.
Research suggests that people who stay friends with their exes on Facebook report less negative feelings toward their exes when they stay “friends” after the breakup, but report less personal growth and emotional recovery.
That means that if you stay Facebook friends with your ex, it’s harder to MOVE ON.
This is a double edged sword– because these findings suggest that the very act of staying friends with your ex means that your ex will feel less negatively about you over time BUT he will experience less sexual longing and desire to get back together with you.
When you want your ex back, the happy medium is to stay connected on social media but do an un-official social media blackout where you don’t really post much or change anything.
That way, your ex won’t be seeing much of you online, and they will naturally have the space to wonder what you’re up to but not experience the final feeling rejection of seeing that you unfriended them.
To get the kind of clarity it takes to get your ex back and create a better relationship with them long term, you’re going to need to take a break from contacting them.
Don’t peek at your exe’s profile, don’t stalk them, don’t look at all the people on your exe’s friends list to try and determine if they might be dating someone new.
Just don’t.
Unfollow your ex at your first opportunity and then LOG OFF social media.
In fact, do it right now. I’ll wait.
7. Stop focusing on what you have lost
Focus instead on what you have to gain from this breakup– whether you succeed at getting back together with your ex or not.
When we are wrapped up in grief, sometimes the only thing we can think about is getting back together and repairing things.
And… I completely understand the temptation to dwell on your ex.
But… the best way to get past this breakup is to switch your focus away from “GET YOUR EX BACK AT ALL COSTS” and toward yourself.
What do you really want your life to look like?
What kind of relationship do you really want?
This is an opportunity to get back to who you were before the relationship, reignite your interests and get passionate about your life again.
When you focus on the bigger picture, it’s easier to get past your grief and into a place where you can really make some exciting changes.
You might not believe me right now, but no matter what, this breakup is a good thing.
The time you have right now is an important and rare opportunity to reboot and redefine what you want your life to look like.
It’s no surprise that people report significant personal growth after a breakup– even if they eventually get back together with their ex.
Also, from a law of attraction perspective, when you are still heartbroken, you are NOT vibrating in a way where you can get your ex back and be happy long term.
Happy relationship energy is MUCH different than the rejection, pain and disappointment you’re feeling right now.
8. Be completely selfish (and get happy)
Start living your life for you again, not for you as a couple.
In fact, if you made your relationship with you ex your “whole world,” the pressure to make you happy might be the real reason why you broke up in the first place.
When anyone makes their relationship the center of their world, it adds a lot of pressure.
And… as nice as it is to feel happily coupled up, relying on a someone too much it puts responsibility on them that they may not feel ready for.
When you create an awesome life for yourself, by yourself, it sends the message that the pressure of your happiness does not rest on your exe’s shoulders.
It’s time to start making your life as awesome as it can be so that another person ADDS to your happiness rather than supplies all of it.
Dive into your favorite hobbies, social activities and career. Do things that excite and scare you.
9. Clean up your side of the break up
Even though I just told you NOT to bargain with your ex after the breakup, making your own changes behind the scenes is a good idea.
Sometimes people are lucky enough to get a clear, completely understandable reason why someone decided to breakup with them.
If the reason your ex gave for breaking up with you was something fixable that you have direct control over, consider making changes if they make sense for you and feel authentic. But don’t twist yourself into a pretzel trying to guess what your ex wants.
In the long run, they’ll lose respect for you and worse, you may get resentful.
10. Date other people
Dating new people after your breakup right now might not sound fun at all and getting back out there is controversial.
Relationship experts and coaches disagree about whether or not you should see new people when you want to repair a relationship but let’s cut to the chase here.
Your ex told you they didn’t want your relationship.
Dating new people is the logical thing for you to do– and while your ex knows that intellectually– right now your ex likely still sees you as totally intoxicated and in love with them so they don’t really lose you by breaking up.
…And… loss is an incredibly strong motivating force.
Research suggests that people will work MUCH harder to avoid losing something they already have than they will to get something new.
If your ex was the one who broke up with you, you’re no longer a challenge to them.
Your ex thinks you’re totally conquered– so they’re bored to death with your relationship and don’t really see “losing you” as a real loss… yet.
The quickest way to change that is to genuinely start playing the field and dating new people after your breakup.
You don’t have to flaunt it or sleep around– you just need some new experiences.
So get yourself an online dating account (or 3) and open yourself up to new opportunities with new people.
11. Think cool, calm and collected
After you have successfully gone through a no contact period with your ex, they are most likely curious about what you’re up to.
The next step is to remind your ex with a little tease of history the two of you have, about how wonderful being with you was when things were good between you.
You must be light, light, light in all of your interactions with your ex.
No crying, no emotional re-hash of the breakup.
No “WHY!?!” when you do see your ex.
Do everything it takes to be cool and happy when you talk to your ex and start spending time together again.
When you act happy and cool, it reduces the pressure on your ex.
This way they don’t have to worry that you are trying to get anything from them.
This doesn’t mean that you have to pretend be a fake, happy-go-lucky version of yourself who doesn’t really exist.
Remember that your ex knows you very well.
Aim for “the best version of yourself” and not “why is this person acting like they are high as a kite all the time?”
Your mindset right now is the most important factor in whether or not you’ll succeed in getting back together.
12. Get yourself back in the frisky “just met them” mindset
When you do begin talking again after no contact, use the mindset that you’re JUST starting a fresh, new relationship with your ex.
Treat it like you are dating your ex for the first time all over again.
Remember to stay mysterious, look your best, and keep in mind that it is more important now than ever to INSPIRE your ex into wanting you back in their life– not to logically try and talk th into getting back together with you.
In fact, trying to use logic and reason to get him back is one of the most common reasons why people fail to get their exes back, because the reasons that people get back together are emotional!
When you first started dating, you probably didn’t look at each other and say rationally,
“You are obviously a compatible mate to have a relationship with. Let’s date.”
You got into a relationship the first time because you connected, had fun together and were attracted to each other.
To get back together naturally, get yourself back into that “let’s have fun” mindset again and take the pressure off.
The bottom line about how to get your ex back successfully
Getting your ex back is a long road, and one you must only carefully tread down.
Before you go down the road, think hard about what you want from your relationship.
If someone could let you go in the first place, think about why you want them back in your life. Before you try to win your ex back, decide if they’re a prize worth winning.
Was your breakup due to real incompatibility or just simple bad timing and misunderstandings?
If you want my help getting your ex back, check out your 1:1 coaching options here.
