Today we have a reader whose ex ghosted her after she planned on a shared future with him.
Question:
Dear Elizabeth,
I have a situation that I want to say thank you very much for your advice in “the Talk”, I wish I had read it earlier.
I dated a man and had relationship with him in the past 1 year and 3 month, until lately, I found that he has a profile on online dating site, claiming that he is looking for someone sincere and real. That is a very painful and shocking moment for me. I have been sincere, even planned to spend lifetime with him, and he asked to meet my parents and asked me to engage with him, as well as he was looking at rings.
After I found out about the profile, I was hurt, so I asked the money he owed me for the last bit of amount, and disappeared. I did not text him, did not call him, did not tell him that I found an online dating profile that he has. I wonder if I ever had “the Talk” would that be different?
I also wonder if I still should have the talk with him after all this happened. He hasn’t texted me either and my friends said he is not worthy to be with anymore, as he seems not to care much about me.
I really appreciate if you could suggest me what to do in this situation, from your point of view. I am so grateful for your help.
Thank you very much,
Looking forward to hearing from you.
I’m so very sorry that this happened to you. It’s always painful when something like this happens.
Especially since in your case, he disappeared so it’s hard to get closure, or gain clarity on what happened.
It sounds like you’re struggling from what-if-itis.
What I mean is that once this relationship went off the track, you are then left wondering what you could have done to produce a different outcome.
The should-ofs, the fantasies, the missed opportunities.
In your case, it looks like you have settled into focusing on what you could have done to prevent his pulling away, cruising for someone else and eventual disappearance.
The point of having the “the Talk” is that if you want a relationship that naturally progresses, rather than getting all riled up and nervous about asking for a relationship to progress once it’s already in progress, it’s important to act from a position of power in the beginning.
In relationships where you keep your power rather than giving it away, men intuitively know the score. They KNOW that you aren’t someone to be trifled with.
Your actions tell them that if they don’t commit to you, you’re going to hit the door. You set this standard by making it clear from the beginning.
However, in your situation, more words are not what you need.
Let’s examine what happened, shall we?
After dating him for an entire year and 3 months, you found his dating profile, asked for your cash back (loaning lovers money is a whole other article, but it is what it is at this point) and he disappeared.
Your ex was sneaking around behind your back.
The other shoe was going to drop eventually. If you had sat him down and had a talk about commitment with him, it probably wouldn’t have changed the outcome.
If anything, asserting yourself caused him to run away in the first place. He was using you.
Let me say that again.
He was using you.
I know that totally sucks to hear. He took your cash and your love, and when you asked for the cash back, he disappeared.
You didn’t even confront him about the profile!
The fact that he had an online dating profile that you found is just a surface demonstration that he didn’t care about you in the first place.
Your friends are right. He isn’t worthy of you, not today, not ever.
There is no amount of trying to get him to agree to a commitment that can change the reality. I’m assuming you want a quality, wonderful man, not a thieving, dishonest jerk who will drop you at any moment.
Consider the lost cash your tuition in the learning game of relationships.
Also realize that you are so much better off without him, and be thankful that you learned that now, rather than after getting married to him and creating a life together.
What if he disappeared then?
Even though this hurts now, it is such a blessing in disguise.
