I’m Kate Spring, a dating and relationship coach from the west coast of Canada.
Today, I have a really interesting topic to share with you. It’s one that I’ve thought a lot about and that is how to get women to approach you.
It’s a simple theory called preselection, by which you actually select the woman that you want to approach you.
“Preselection” is a principle that dictates that women are more attracted to men that seem attractive to other women.
In order to apply this power principle, you must demonstrate that you are preselected by other women. Before we get into that, I need to give you a little more context.
In economics, there is a law called supply and demand. This theory explains the relationship between the supply of a resource and the demand for that resource. It looks at the resource’s availability and how that availability affects the value of that resource.
If the supply is high, then, generally, the demand is low and the price is weak.
Conversely, when the demand is high and the supply is low then the price increases. I like to apply this law to dating in that when you– the resource– make yourself readily available to women, you decrease your value. You appear desperate.
However, when you don’t make yourself readily available, you increase the demand for your time and ultimately increase your dating value. You’re seen as rare and valuable.
Psychology and business professor Robert Cialdini has researched extensively how scarcity works in persuasion, which we can apply to attraction.
Cialdini is well-known for his book called Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.
In this book he outlines 6 universal principles on how to master the art of persuasion.
The 6 principles of persuasion are: reciprocity, commitment, social proof, authority, liking, and lastly scarcity.
For the purpose of this, there are two principles that I want to look at, and they are social proof and scarcity.
Social proof means that people will do things that they see other people doing.
And scarcity means that the perceived rarity of a resource will generate demand.
What does this have to do with attraction and getting women to approach you?
Well, it actually has everything to do with it.
You see, it’s fine and dandy for me to tell you to be a man of value, which will, in turn, make you more attractive in women’s eyes.
But how do you go about becoming that man?
You do so by applying this theory of preselection.
You make women attracted to you by showing that there are other women interested in you first. When you increase your demand, you increase your value.
Social behavior proves that in terms of persuasion, people will do and like things that they see other people doing and liking as well.
Women are attracted to guys whom are attractive to other women.
Women judge your attractiveness based on the way other women view you.
It’s kind of crazy, but you know that old saying, “women want what they can’t have.”
In a way, that applies here. I should mention that this is not all women, but a lot of women unconsciously respond and make judgements about a man’s attractiveness based on how other women respond to him.
Why this is an important thing to understand is that if you are not actively being approached by women, then you unconsciously give off signs that you’re thirsty and desperate for female attention.
For example, say you follow this hot girl on Instagram, and you are constantly one of the first people to like her photo or comment on it saying how great she looks.
By doing this, you’re showing her that you’re on Instagram all the time and that you have nothing better to do with your time.
Or conversely, if you’re sending a girl too many long-winded text messages, every time she gives you an inch, you take a mile and reveal too early on that you’re REALLY interested in her and almost desperate for her attention.
From this behavior, I’m sure she can gather that you don’t have many other women in your life. Women won’t want to win you over too fast.
Like I’ve said many times before, women like the chase and the challenge of the pursuit.
In a study done by Jessica Parker and Melissa Burkley from Oklahoma State University titled, “Who’s chasing whom? The impact of gender and relationship status on mate poaching,” they tried to determine if single women really did look at taken men more favorably.
The results found that single women are more interested in men who are already in a relationship, which means that women are more interested in pursuing a man that is less available to them.
The study said,
“Female and male participants who were single or in a relationship viewed information about an opposite-sex other and indicated their interest in pursuing this target. Half of the participants were told that the target was single and half read that the target was currently in a relationship. The results showed that only single women were more interested in pursuing an attached target rather than a single target.”
— Jessica Parker and Melissa Burkley, “Who’s Chasing Whom? The Impact Of Gender and Relationship Status on Mate Poaching”
Men on the other hand did not show preference to women who were single or taken.
It’s interesting to see that in practice, this holds true, and is all about the power of persuasion.
And, as Cialdini proved as well, people like and do things that others like and do.
Having a woman already attracted to you or just talking to you in a favorable way can increase your perceived attractiveness to other women.
How you put this theory into practice is to go out with a female friend and pay attention to how other women respond and react to you when they see another woman interested in you, even if you’re just platonic friends.
Another way to go about this is to strike up conversation with women at parties, pubs, and/or bars.
Start talking to women and having a positive encounter with them.
Other women will see you and a woman having a good time and they too will want to have a positive, fun encounter with you.
This will increase your attractiveness to the other females in the surrounding area.
When you’re talking to women, you can also insert stories of yourself and other women.
Not in a sexual way– nor should you talk about your ex, but you could say that you and your friend Emily always try out new restaurants in town. Or you and Emily go for Sunday hikes.
Just make it topical to the conversation and make sure that it’s not forced.
Remember the most valuable quality that you can have when attracting women is having other women interested in you.
Women are attracted to men who have other women interested in them.
The more apparent interest there is in you the more valuable you become. It’s all a matter of the economics of attraction.
