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- What I Learned From Dating 12 Men in 6 Months
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- Are You An Introvert? How To Date Without Driving Yourself Crazy
- The Extroverted Woman’s Guide to Dating (and Mating With) An Introvert
- 18 Real Online Dating Lessons I Learned the Hard Way
- Why You Should Hold Out For “The Stomach Flip” Before Deciding If He’s Right For You
- “I met this great guy online, how do I get him to ask me out?”
Single? 2 Secrets to Upgrading Your Love Life Now
If you’re single right now and want not just someone— but the right person in your life, this is for you.
I want to talk about two dueling forces that when harnessed correctly will get you anything you want in your life— love included.
Those two things are standards and hard work.
Let’s start with standards when it comes to love.
Having standards isn’t simply expecting that things will go a certain way, it’s focused attention on what you really WANT, then making the effort to change or get rid of anything that doesn’t meet your standards.
When we turn our standards toward getting the kind of relationship we want— we shut out other options. If you decide to only spend your time on worthwhile people and pursuits— guess what you attract more of. Quality begets quality.
By the way, this works the in reverse when you lower your standards. When you decide that you’re not valuable, or you settle or decide that there aren’t any good people out there to date. You attract exactly that… experiences which reinforce your belief.
Having standards includes getting clear on exactly what you want in a partner.
Some experts say to toss your “list”— and I completely disagree. Without a roadmap, how are you going to get where you want to go?
I think people recommend throwing out your list because it can make people sabotage themselves by refusing to yield or creating impossible standards so that they can claim that they can’t get what they want— but in my experience, not having high enough standards is more often the real problem.
Sometimes people are afraid to even make a list of what they want in a partner because they think that it limits their possibilities or it seems like they’re somehow “trying too hard.”
Knowing what you want so you’ll recognize it when it shows up is not “trying too hard.”
This idea that you’ll magically meet “The One” (without doing anything) and fall happily into a state of bliss with them has resulted in legions of sh*tty relationships. That’s because you’re open to anyone who simply shows up. It takes away the vitally important selection phase where you actually look for the right relationship, not just *ANY* relationship. It makes anyone (and often a lot of “the wrong ones”) a candidate for your love.
No, you can’t force someone to love you (using too much “try”)— but you CAN get out there, make the effort to meet people, put yourself in the right place at the right time, fix yourself up and get yourself ready to attract love.
All of that backend preparation does not happen by chance.
It takes… gasp… work! Like anything else in your life, having a great relationship with the right person for you doesn’t happen by chance.
So why do people say that love shouldn’t be work?
Because most people work at the complete wrong things.
They work at trying to make the wrong relationship work.
They work at trying to force attraction.
They work at getting the attention of the wrong people while ignoring the ones who would treat them great.
The wrong work is a recipe for disaster. This is because the things on that list come from a place of lack. Not ENOUGH attraction. Not ENOUGH love. Not ENOUGH.
And if you’re in a place of not enough, guess what you’ll get more of.
The truth is, most lovebirds report that they feel like real love flows awesomely ONCE IT HAPPENS, but to get to that point where the magic can happen in the first place, it’s easy to gloss over the real work it took to get there in the first place, namely:
- Time, effort and money spent on dating.
- Emotional work to get over one’s childhood, failed relationships and heartbreak of all shapes and sizes.
- Staying positive in the face of rejection.
- Making the effort to not make someone new pay for past lover’s bizarre, abusive or otherwise bad behavior.
- The time and effort it takes to learn when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em.
- Getting over every bad experience with dating since your first crush.
- Growing your self worth to the point that even includes a good relationship in the first place.
- The effort (anyone who says it’s all puppies and rainbows is full of it) it takes to be a good partner and not sabotage the whole thing when the right person shows up.
When you look at it like that, more goes into love than it seems on the surface. That’s why it’s so great that you’re here, trying to read and learn more.
Learning about love makes it happen faster and more smoothly. So the next time that you’re feeling down about what’s going on in relationship-land, keep in mind that in order to get to today, where you’re undoubtedly having breakthroughs and realizations, you HAD TO go through the rest AND learn from it.
The time is now.
So get out there and don’t quit until you get what you want. When you’re committed to raising your standards and doing the work, it will happen.
As always, tell me your thoughts in the comment section below.