Today I want to answer an important question and talk about boring sex in marriage and what you can do to make the sex better.
Here’s a question from Nora …
I have a question about sex. I love sex. I LOVE it. But recently the sex in my marriage has gotten really boring… and I miss the craziness and the passion and the feeling of being wanted.
I miss it a lot. How do I bring back the spark in my marriage?
Am I being stupid or naïve to hope that my husband and I can have an amazing passionate sex life that doesn’t die away over time?
Or should I just buy a vibrator and relegate awesome sex to the past forever??
Thanks for your question.
I have to admit, I chose this question because I read it and winced.
As someone who frankly NEEDS regular, hot sex to feel in any way normal and truly alive, I read your question and just KNEW I had to tackle it right freaking now.
Because hey … I can relate to your problem with the sex getting boring.
(And I’ll prove it by telling you an extremely personal and somewhat embarrassing story about my own sex life just a few paragraphs down.)
First though, I’ve gotta admit …
Um, you haven’t really given me much to work with here.
(I mean … how old are you? How old is he? How long have you been together? Do you live together? What’s the story here??)
But hey, you’re only human. And maybe your terrible sexual frustration blinded you to the need for pertinent details 😉
So, I’ll do the best I can with what I’ve got …
Which means it’s time for my embarrassing and DEEPLY personal sex story.
It’s hard for me to even ADMIT this, seeing as I’m a professional relationships coach (and an Amazon.com #1 bestselling author to boot …)
But, something most people don’t know about me?
I used to be the QUEEN of boring sex in ALL of my committed relationships.
In every single relationship I had, we’d start off crazy and intense and hyper-sexualized. We couldn’t wait to RIP each other’s clothes off and have crazy wild monkey sex in every room of the house.
… And sometimes outside in the garden.
… And sometimes in the bathroom at dinner parties.
… And sometimes…
… well, you get the idea.
But as the months (and eventually YEARS) passed, the hot sex that used to be scorching hot somehow morphed into boring ‘comfort sex’.
Sex that was the physical equivalent of a pair of worn slippers.
Sex that was comfy and warm and familiar…
…and super BORING.
Sex that you wouldn’t want to wear with a hot dress.
Sex that you would NEVER wear out on a hot date.
(Ummmm … is it just me, or is this analogy getting super weird? 😉
So here’s what I’d do:
Before I figured this ‘sex business’ out, before I discovered something that actually works to re-spark that devilish gleam in his eye…
…and pull his attention AWAY from his work, his phone, his video games, his money worries, his poker buddies, his LIFE …
…and fix it 100% onto ME like wallpaper onto a wall…
… to get him chasing me around the kitchen and TEARING my shirt off my shoulders…
… Something that’ll get your blood boiling, and have him literally plucking at the crotch of his pants and shifting in his seat and get that sexy growl rumbling in his voice …
…something that has BOTH your brains bubbling over with lust and your hearts racing overtime out of your chests …
…and both of you sending naughty, dirty, tender sweet and sexy EVIL little texts to each other all day long (when you really should be working, you naughty minx)
Before all of that…
I’d just do what everyone else did:
Enjoy the sex with the latest ‘someone new’ while it lasted…
And drink down the sweet, sweet novelty like I’d been trekking through a dry, barren desert and had somehow stumbled on an oasis. I’d drink frantically – deeply – thirstily – from that sweet, delightful new oasis until I couldn’t drink any more.
And then three months would go by.
And then the oasis would start to run dry. Those intoxicating feelings would go away. We’d stop talking about our fantasies, and naughty day dreams, and planning how to ravish each other’s minds and bodies as soon as we got home …
… and our communication would veer AWAY from sex, AWAY from lust, AWAY from fun, and become boring all over again…
‘Can you pick up some milk on the way home?’
‘Remember we’ve got that dinner party on Friday, so you need to be home by six.’
‘Are you going to clean the dishes any time soon?’
Like a bottle of over-shaken Coke, the sex would go flat, boring and it wouldn’t QUENCH me any more.
And then we’d eventually break up … I’d find someone new … and the whole cycle would start all over again.
Oh, in case you’re wondering?
Yes, this went on for YEARS.
Yes, I realize how immature that sounds.
Yes, I know it’s humiliating to be a dating coach and admit this kind of thing about my past.
But I’m being transparent here for a reason. I think my humiliating past mistakes might just help YOU avoid the same horrible sex life I endured for so long.
Because, just a few years back, something crazy happened.
I met this weird old guy.
This weird, balding, kinda … stinky … old guy who called himself a ‘mentalist’. And during the course of our (frankly, insane sounding conversation – I’ll tell you about it sometime), this so-called mentalist gave me a specific sequence of EIGHT WORDS.
Eight simple, innocent words that (this ‘mentalist’ guy said) would drive any man literally wild with desire.
Just eight seemingly ‘magical’ words that (he said) would literally give me the power to turn a guy’s heart to putty …
Wrap his desire for me around my finger like bubble gum and have him not just wanting, not just needing, but literally CRAVING to stalk me round the bedroom like a growling, oversexed, starving alpha-male lion eyeing up a slab of juicy home-cured bacon.
I had serious doubts.
(I mean, I’m an INCREDIBLY skeptical person. I admit it freely. And here was some random old dude who worked out of his car, whispering about ‘magic words’ in my ear with stinky coffee-breath?? Please.)
But then I went home and I looked at my life. I realized that I was tired of just ‘managing’ to hang onto a relationship.
I was sick of eking my way from relationship to relationship never feeling satisfied.
For once, I wanted something magical, instead of staying stuck in my ‘comfort zone’ (which by that stage was already pretty dry and barren… yup, my latest oasis was starting to run dry).
I mean, what did I have to lose?
So that night, I whispered the eight words in my guy’s ear.
And what happened next?
Well … I won’t go into any details, but… mmmmmmmmmmm : )
It was dirty, amazing, passionate and quite frankly, freaking incredible.
I went to sleep that night (or maybe it was early that morning) aching, sore, sweaty and SMILING.
For the first time in years, I felt truly seen, wanted and DESIRED.
I felt ALIVE again.
I felt POWERFUL again.
I felt like a woman again.
And best of all, I hadn’t had to end my relationship or find someone ‘new’ to feel those amazing feelings again.
Instead, I was feeling them with MY GUY.
And (here’s the best part) …
I could see those feelings for ME written all over HIS face, too. They shining right out of his heart when he touched me.
Spilling from his eyes like sunlight when he looked at me.
And I could hear the desire and appreciation and WONDER vibrating in his voice when he whispered (and moaned, and bellowed) in my ear.
It was so powerful I nearly cried.
So, enough about me … what about YOU?
What can YOU actually DO to bring that terrifying, amazing gleam of lust and desire and PASSION back in your guy’s eye, when he looks at you?
(No matter how many kids you’ve got, how insanely demanding your job is, how little PRIVACY you have, or how tired and stressed out you feel at the end of the day??)
Well, the TRUTH is:
Sex in any committed relationship tends to go stale and stagnant for ONE reason and ONE reason only …
(And brace yourself, because you might not like what I’m about to say …)
Sex goes stale because you might actually be TOO close to each other.
You know all that advice in relationship columns about ‘closeness creating great sex’?
And ‘telling each other EVERYTHING’?
And ‘if you’re not satisfied, you should ‘open up’ and be more transparent with your partner’??
Well, it’s all a LIE.
The hard-won, closely-held, and ACTUAL truth is, sex goes downhill for a VERY simple reason:
You guys might actually be TOO CLOSE to truly want each other any more.
I know that sounds crazy, so here’s what I mean. “Love” is about being close and connected, right?
But “desire” is about wanting something (or someone) to come closer, yes? So when you are SO CLOSE that you’re almost the same person …
… there’s no room LEFT to actually desire each other.
Because you’ve already GOT each other.
There’s no space left to crave more.
It’s like pouring more water into an already-overflowing glass: there’s just nowhere for it to go.
(By the way, if you want to know the science behind this incredible fact, you should pick up a copy of Mating In Captivity, by a total warrior of a woman named Esther Perel. She’s a true pioneer in this field, and I think you’ll really like her.)
Now, I’ll admit something here…
The reason why sex is SO HOT for new lovers is, yes, partially the novelty.
(I’m not going to lie to you; sex with a new lover is always going to be super-intense, and there’s no sense denying it. Novelty is a HUGE aphrodisiac for most folks.)
But what if there was ANOTHER reason that made great sex great – at ANY stage?
A BIGGER and BETTER reason than anything else?
Something that you could actually USE, and take ADVANTAGE of, to bring back the animal in your man?
Something that will make him smile, shiver, sweat…
…and have him openly, unapologetically craving your LOVE like it was the early days all over again?
No matter how long you’ve been together or how depressingly ‘routine’ your sex life is these days?
Because, as it should so happen …
… there IS.
And that brings me to my next important point, which is …
How Nature Screwed Men Over (and why the future of your sex life hinges on this one simple fact)
Fact: men have kind of been played a cruel TRICK on by nature …
…because as a guy, his happiness in a relationship (and his SEXUAL DESIRE for you) is tied directly to yours.
Men are biologically hardwired to feel the most desire, lust, happiness, and pleasure when YOU are feeling (genuine, un-faked) desire, lust, happiness, and pleasure with HIM.
A lot of women don’t know this …
… but when a guy feels he’s ‘doing you proud’, it sets off an EXPLOSION of ‘happy chemicals’ in his brain and body …
… which basically add up to him feeling powerful, masculine, sexy, proud, MANLY, and primed to find YOU sexy and desirable as hell.
But, if he’s NOT pleasing you (or even if he just FEELS like he’s not …)
… then that means he’s going to be pretty unhappy…
… have doubts about himself …
… stop feeling good when you’re around …
… stop feeling able to be vulnerable and open and sexually alive around you …
… and generally feel like kind of a FAILURE AS A MAN.
And whatever sexual spark remained between you gets snuffed out like a wet match.
Because men are biologically driven to FEEL like MEN.
His sexual desire for you literally HINGES on it.
Which brings me to my next (and final) point:
If he needs YOU to want HIM to be able to want YOU …
… but you’re just not feeling it (and no, you’re not allowed to fake it) …
… then what the heck do you do now??
So what’s the next step to fix boring sex in your relationship?
Should you “have an awkward honest talk” about the relationship? (Ugh.)
Should you spell out your needs and hopes for your sex life?? (Ughhhh.)
Should you get him to pop a ‘little blue pill’?
Should you watch porn together?
Buy some naughty toys?
Think about investing in a stripper’s pole for your bedroom??
Um … no.
(Although the last 3 suggestions could be kind of fun. Heh.)
In fact, here’s why all those suggestions won’t work for you right now:
Because you don’t actually need help with the MECHANICS of great sex.
You want to feel the desire behind great sex.
So what should you do?
FIRST of all, just like Virginia Woolf said, you need to create an emotional, mental, and psychological ‘room of your own’.
Here’s the deal:
Personally, I’m a huge fan of individuality.
In my relationships with men, I actually keep a lot of my life ‘my own’ and the thought of sharing EVERYTHING with someone frankly terrifies me.
(Also, just saying, but … sometimes, telling a guy ‘everything’ can be kind of a dick move. Why? Because it’s actually GOOD to have some emotional privacy in a relationship.)
In many cases, keeping ‘secrets’ from him literally keep things happy, healthy, and HOTTER THAN EVER.
And here’s why:
Because of the laws of PHYSICS, people.
There’s a law in quantum physics called the Pauli Exclusion Principle, and it states:
‘Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time.”
That means when you come close enough, you aren’t really two individual people any more. You’ve done the Vulcan mind-meld and you’ve actually, freakily, kind of become the SAME PERSON.
And that’s bitter, terrible, DEATH to the heat in your sex life, because (as you now know) you cannot WANT something if you’ve already GOT it.
So, can you actually have too much love for great sex?
Well, maybe not LOVE.
Hell yes you can.
So here’s what to DO about it:
You take a little step back from the relationshp, you reclaim your INDIVIDUALITY a tad bit, and (this next bit’s important) …
…with ZERO stress and ZERO guilt, you allow some secrets, distance and STRENGTH to shine inside your heart again.
You become YOU again.
Your own person.
With your own power.
And your own secrets, space, and SEXUALITY.
So how the heck do you do THAT, without pushing him away or actually making things WORSE??
Well … I’m glad you asked : )
And my answer to your question comes in the form of one more question for YOU:
Would you like to be able to take control of his DESIRE for you, simply by whispering eight tiny little words in his ear?
Do you ever wish he would look at you as a WOMAN again?
Chase you round the bedroom?
Touch you more, hug you more, smile at you more?
Send you sweet, tender, dirty little texts on a daily basis?
Lust after your body, your heart, and your affection …
… and not just ‘show’ you but actually TELL you how much he wants and craves you, ten or twenty or even fifty times a day, every single day for the rest of your lives together?
If so, then you should go check out this cartoon I put together for you:
In it, I’ll give you the 8 simple words that will inspire a level of lust, desire, and tender, connected, unapologetic PASSION in any man …
… and have him telling you with shock, awe, and delight that you are the one woman who can destroy the thought of other women for him, stoke his ego, make him feel like a MAN, and keep him sexually and emotionally entranced with YOU for LIFE.
(Oh, btw, you’ll also discover the super-odd-sounding story of how I went bald a few years ago… and how doing so actually helped me get the love and lust and connection I was yearning for.)