“Will Putting Off Sex Drive Him Away?”

Will Putting Off Sex Drive Him Away

Hi Elizabeth!

Thanks for getting back to me! I’m dating this guy and I really want it to work out with him.. But he seems to not respect me.

Everything has been going absolutely great and we both seem to have the same long term goals even though we’ve met each other about two weeks ago. I believe all of his past relationships were long term too. But, he really wants to have sex with me, which I don’t feel comfortable doing so early and when we’re not even officially in a relationship. I keep saying “no” but when we start to make out things get so heated and it’s like he’s about to, and I keep having to remind him that I’m not ready yet.

I told him about how when I was dating my ex, we dated for 2 months then he dumped me a couple days after we had sex, so he keeps saying, “I’m not gonna leave you like your ex did. If that’s what you’re thinking you’re wrong.” And stuff like that. But I actually just don’t want to because I feel he doesn’t respect me enough yet. His constantly trying to have sex with me, despite me already telling him no, makes me not want to even more.

Also, I feel bad because every time we are together, he goes home with blue balls.

Yesterday, he made plans to go to the beach together.  When I texted him at a half hour after we were supposed to meet, asking if our plans were still on, he said he’s most likely just going to take out his cousin. I responded with “oh thanks for letting me know” so it was apparent I was irritated but he never messaged me again. Which again, makes me feel like he doesn’t respect me enough to simply let me know the plan is cancelled. So now I feel like he doesn’t want to see me anymore.

I know that sex won’t make a man stay, but I feel like not having sex with him is making him lose interest/ leave.

I’m really not sure what to do… Personality/lifestyle wise, we’re so perfect together and we’re the same age. It’s just the sex that seems to ruin it.
Even when we’re together, everything’s great until he gets really turned on. It’s like he snaps into a different person.

Oh also, a couple days ago he was saying that he thinks we should have sex to make us feel “more comfortable and less shy” with each other which I think is complete bullshit.

Sorry for this long message, I just have no one to ask for help and I really really want to continue seeing him.

Thanks for your time.

Never ignore what a man shows you in favor of what he tells you.

If you suspect he doesn’t respect you, and it’s making you hesitate, honor your gut feelings and wait.

If after 2 weeks of not putting out, he’s going to dump you already, let that door hit him on the way out.

“More comfortable and less shy,” my foot. Oldest male con from time eternal. This is total b.s. through and through.

However, I suspect that there has been a bit of a drama out of the whole sex issue which compounds the problem. You’ve told him about your ex and your issues around that, you’ve both made out heavily and it sounds like you’re tempted to act like you’re already in a relationship even though you mentioned you’re not official yet. All of this is the kind of stuff that happens when you’re feeling pressured because you like him and want to do all the right things. It’s totally understandable that you feel uncomfortable.

First, it’s only been 2 weeks! If you’re not ready to have sex yet after 2 weeks, that’s totally fine. You should stick to your guns and not let him guilt trip you into doing anything you’re not ready for.

In the first few weeks of a new relationship, it’s still “getting to know you” time. This one has been pushing you for sex and canceling plans with you while making you feel like he’s pulling away, ALREADY. That’s a big, flashing red flag there.

If you told me it had been a few months into a monogamous relationship and you weren’t ready for sex yet, we could talk about that. But that’s not the case here. You’re feeling pressured, BECAUSE HE’S PRESSURING YOU.

And love, you’re better than that.

What To Do From Now On

Quietly reclaim your power. You don’t need to explain WHY you don’t want to have sex yet or justify yourself. He knows exactly what he’s doing by pushing you for sex. And if he’s going to pout because of it, that’s on him.

As far as the blue balls go, simply don’t go there. Just don’t get to that point at all until you’re ready to have sex. Don’t have make-out sessions that could go further and then push him off you. Just don’t get to that situation in the first place and make it a non-issue. See him during the day or in public. Go home at a reasonable time and just seamlessly steer your interactions to public places.

If he wants to talk to you, see you or whatever, make the plans and enjoy yourself. But let him make his intentions known and do some work to see you, because he’ll either wash out or let you take your time. There is never any hurry. This is “butterflies in stomach” time, not “crushing dread he’s never going to call again” time. Have sex when you’re ready, never a second before. You can’t people please yourself into a great relationship.

And as a side note, exes are best left in the past. By unpacking your ex drama on him and telling him about it, it makes him immediately picture you having sex with someone else AND it makes you seem like a victim.

Probably not the picture you’re trying to paint, right? Right. Play your hand closer to the vest and be more mysterious. Just see what happens with him. If it’s meant to be, it will be and you won’t have to worry that he doesn’t respect you because he’ll show you otherwise.

Best wishes gorgeous,


P.S. One other thing, your text, “oh thanks for letting me know” does not clearly convey that you were irritated. If you texted this to me, I’d sincerely think “okay, cool, no big deal.” I’m not usually super dense, but I would miss the sarcasm entirely. It’s notoriously difficult to read tone over text message. It’s okay to be bummed out and mention that you are. Calling him out on his b.s. is exactly how you can get more respect from him in the future. If he dumps you because of it, there’s more where that came from.

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1 thought on ““Will Putting Off Sex Drive Him Away?””

  1. Avatar

    This is what’s called a sexual mismatch. You don’t like sex. You think that sex is the determinator for whether a relationship succeeds. Why not find a man (gay men are good for this) that never wants to have sex with you and hence is showing you ultimate respect.

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