Hi, I’m Elizabeth Stone. Here’s today’s question, short and sweet:
Why do I have bad experiences with relationships?
Gosh, this is an excellent question. I have no idea why this person specifically has had bad experiences with relationships.
My crystal ball is still not working.
My guess– simply from the way this person asked the question and provided no other details– I would start at entitlement.
If you imagine you should have a good experience with relationships but don’t do the work, you probably won’t create good relationships.
So I’m clear with you, when I say “work” on relationships, sometimes people don’t understand what I mean.
“Work” in this context can have a ton of different meanings, and since people are not taught how to create effective partnerships, they piece things together themselves.
Here’s what I mean by doing “The Work” in relationships:
- Creating and maintaining personal standards.
- Being willing to put yourself out there and meet new people when you’re in the “finding someone” phase of dating.
- Saying ‘no’ to people, bad deals and treatment which don’t reflect the kind of relationship you want in the long term.
- Clearly communicating your desires and requirements for your relationships.
- Noticing your own expectations and negotiating with your partner’s expectations.
- Extending the benefit of the doubt to yourself and others.
- Not expecting your partner to magically read your mind.
- Reflecting on your own emotions and behavior, then being willing to share– especially when it’s hard and you feel afraid.
- Empathizing with and putting yourself in your partner’s shoes.
- Focusing on understanding the other person instead of changing them.
- Holding a reasonable mindset around the possibility of losing any relationship. Anything can happen. This way you avoid treating the other person as though they are either disposable and temporary or act as though they will never leave and take them for granted.
- Managing any part of your own psychology that freaks out and threatens to sabotage you during any part of the whole process.
This is the kind of work that creates the potential for you to have good relationships with others and yourself.
And it’s mostly an inside-job. You will get more than enough success with other people when you focus on changing yourself instead of looking outward and trying to change other people.
If you expect that you will create an amazing love life without the work I mentioned, you’re probably going to have a hard time. Maybe not right away, but eventually.
Your mindset and self-concept are key in what and who you attract and whether or not those things stick around long term.
And, remember that since you’re human, you’re divinity in human form, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve magically gotten past the learning curve and earned a good relationship.
I’ve found the “work” around relationships I mentioned to be transformative and deeply worth doing, but you have to actually try to shift the way you think. It doesn’t just show up unless you’re willing and able to focus your self awareness on shifting it.
So get out there and keep trying! Relationships take practice like anything else worth doing.
To find out how women block themselves from attracting lasting love, sign up for my free masterclass 7 Blocks to Manifesting Love.
