Hi Elizabeth,
I am or was in at what I thought was a good place in a relationship that has been growing with a great, thoughtful guy for a little over a year.Plans were changed because he had something come up with his mom (and plans seem to get changed a lot), who is a tad overbearing to put it nicely. So I had my limit and let him know it.
Unknowingly I said something that hurt him. So now we are both hurt and he said that he needed some time and would be out of touch. I am trying to give him space, but how much is enough and when should I contact him again or should I just wait for him.
Our last contact was via text and he said that he felt pretty closed off and would be that way for a while. I was ready to talk after a few days. I know guys take things differently than we do, but how do we start to repair this? I am willing if he is.
-NotSureHowToRepairThings
Hi NotSureHowToRepairThings,
So he’s been withdrawn for 4-5 days as of your message?
Foot in mouth is a crappy feeling. I sense here that you’re really beating yourself up over this, and understandably so.
The thing is that we all have these moments where we say “the thing” in the heat of the moment and then live to regret it.
In your relationship, there has to be some ability to screw up on both of your parts without the other person completely withdrawing as punishment.
When you make a mistake and he pulls away, it’s really tempting to chase him and keep apologizing.
I trust that you already made your apology, and now, as hard as it is, he has to come to you with the emotional part of it.
That doesn’t mean you can’t talk to him, it just means that you have apologized and now it’s time to start moving on from your mistake.
The alternative is that you keep groveling, chasing him, and he runs further away.
It’s right now, during dating, that you learn whether he’s capable of coming back, working with you to repair things, or if he’ll stay permanently gone (or distant).
How a man treats you when you screw up is a really important thing to notice.
And that’s something that you deserve to know about him before you take your relationship any further.
Pulling away and licking one’s wounds is one thing, but totally detaching and not letting you make amends to repair things— is unacceptable.
Punishing your partner like this for a long time (and what you’ve described is a long time for something like this) is unfair, even if they did screw up.
That’s why you have to decide on your personal stop-loss limit– i.e. the amount of time you’re willing to wait before determining that you can’t tolerate this.
How much pulling away and withdrawing are you willing to stand for? How long is too long for you?
Those are questions only you can answer.
Now, if this is a relationship ender for him, then he has more issues brewing below the surface that would eventually sabotage your relationship one way or another.
If he’s willing to automatically bypass you over his Mom (and I sympathize, my relationship with my MIL was no walk in the park), that’s a problem too.
But let’s not put the cart before the horse.
Right now, I’d send him a little feeler, a light message without a lot of emotions and see how it’s received. Air-clearing type stuff.
“Hi, how’s your Saturday going?”
Not:
“Hihihihihihhi OMG TAAALLLKKKKK TOOO MEEEEEEEE PLEAAAASSEEEEEEE.”
I’m being dramatic here to make a point but you get the picture. The more withdrawn but friendly you can be when he pulls away, the better.
Then pull way back and take this time to focus on yourself. Let him come to you after that.
Get really busy with anything you’ve neglected to do for yourself lately in favor of spending time together as a couple.
Men usually take about twice the amount of time that women do before they are ready to talk.
Then see how it goes when he comes around. You can’t force a man out of his cave, nor should you try.
Once it gets too long, or if he keeps punishing you after making amends in good faith, you’ll have to decide what feels right to you about how to proceed.
Keep in touch and update me on how it goes. Sending you love!
