A reader wonders how to handle feeling guilt and shame over how he treated his ex girlfriend.
Hello, I’m struggling with depression recently over my ex because I noticed them looking at my LinkedIn profile once I acquired a new job this year.
We’re not friends in any social media and so my mind spiraled into sadness, confusion and depression. We tried it twice 5 years ago and I sacrificed my lifestyle for her moving from California after our first run didn’t work. We loved each other but she couldn’t accept me for my views and lifestyle choices that were of no threat.
In the end I was given an ultimatum on how to live my life or not have a family with her which crushed me. I chose to leave and for good but I’m still heartbroken at times because she married quickly and had a child 2 years after our breakup.
I’m very happy with my current girlfriend and looking forward to our future together but for some reason I don’t feel closure and feel horrible that things didn’t work out for what I envisioned when I moved back home.
Over the past 5 years she’s been in contact with my parents and I sent condolence cards for times of loss that related to our relationship but that’s the only contact. The relationship ended bad with horrible things said and no forgiveness.
I’m not sure what to do as I’m also at a crossroads where I’m advancing in places in my career that if not for her help financially I wouldn’t have the opportunities I’ve been able to create. I feel I should pay it back and send out an email stating well wishes and thanks and appreciating the good times and not living with the hate/guilt/pain forever.
I’m sorry this is so long winded… I’ve also recently spoke to a counselor about this as well. Thank you in advance.
I mean what I’m going to say next with the deepest compassion.
I know what it feels like to feel guilty for how you treated your ex.
You’re teetering on blowing up your life by getting stuck on this so I’m going to say some strong words now.
It sounds like you’re backsliding into guilt and shame over the past while losing sight of the gifts you have right now, in the present.
Feeling guilty for how you treated your ex doesn’t change or erase the past.
You have both moved on. It’s over.
Just because she looked you up on LinkedIn, doesn’t mean your ex girlfriend is still feeling deep feelings for you– either positive or negative.
Looking you up on social media could have just been an idle brain wave on her part.
She’s not the one living with hate/guilt/pain about your breakup forever.
That’s what you are doing to yourself.
Your ex is innocently living her beautiful new life without you.
And she deserves the distance, space and peace that comes with that.
Dealing with your explanation or apology 5 years later is not mental labor she needs to do on account of your guilt and shame.
Your negative feelings are YOURS. Don’t project them on a woman who tried her best to love you.
If you want to pay your ex back financially, it would represent a less selfish action than simply reaching out and opening up a bunch of old wounds.
If that’s truly your clean motive here, simply send her the money, maybe with a short, one-page apology.
Then leave her alone forever.
You have a CURRENT girlfriend and life which both deserve your full attention.
There’s nothing else to do here except forgive yourself and your ex– then put your full attention on the present.
Much love,
