If you keep finding yourself in heartbreaking, dead-end relationships, listen up.
Lately, I’ve noticed some reasons people struggle to attract a good person and keep healthy relationships going for the long term.
Sometimes, the best dating tips and advice come not only from knowing what you should do to get someone to like you and fall in love but also from taking a long, hard look at the biggest, most common mistakes people make all too frequently.
If you see yourself on the following list, don’t worry. It can be fixed, and I’ve been there too.
Here are 8 mistakes you (accidentally) make that curb your desirability:
1. You hate being single.
There is a difference between genuinely wanting to enjoy a relationship and thinking you’re secretly doomed if you’re not coupled up.
The problem with really wanting a relationship is that it gives off a needy vibe that people perceive as, “it’s not about liking me, she just wants someone.”
This needy energy puts the other person in the driver’s seat and kills the opportunity to win you over with the chase.
If you’re already in a relationship, not being comfortable with your own company will cause you to settle for situations that are wrong for you because being alone is scarier than anything else.
That brings me to the next point…
2. You think a relationship with the right person will bring you happiness.
Relationships are not a cure-all for your happiness problem.
While romantic love is one of the most beautiful, transformative experiences, expecting another person to make you happy is unrealistic.
No one can make you feel any kind of way. Your feelings come from thought.
And thought comes from… the timeless nothing space in your mind between the thoughts.
What you make of your thoughts informs how you feel.
Knowing how to be happy with your life is the secret. People are magnetically drawn to happy people.
Because people get this backward so often, they don’t understand why they fail to attract love. You have to be happy first, then the love and relationship can come into your life.
3. You’re too eager to have children or merge a family.
Finding a person who wants to have children or parent yours (if you’re a single parent) is amazing. It is NOT WRONG to want children. You are entitled to what you want your life to look like.
The problem is that when we look for a person to have a family with, sometimes we sound like that’s way more important than falling in love and having a good relationship.
Marriage and children are high-stakes concepts — so when we meet a person who’s so focused more on the family and less on what the other person is like, it is a complete turnoff.
I understand why this happens.
If you’re in your 30s, want children, and are single, the clock is ticking for healthy biological children. If you’re a single parent, you cherish your children and want to meet someone who would be good with them.
Either way, the pressure to meet a family-friendly person can be intense.
The problem happens when we pass this pressure onto the other person — even when they don’t mean to.
Sometimes, we try to “cut to the chase” and ask if they want a family. Sometimes, we try to figure out whether or not they might be open to marriage without getting to know them first.
While not wanting to waste time makes sense. However, it makes the person in front of you bolt.
Also, wanting the same things is key. However, these are not topics to discuss on the first few dates when you’re getting to know someone before you’ve both even figured out if there’s a mutual attraction.
4. You’re TOO independent.
I was raised to be capable. It took me a while to learn that “capable” doesn’t mean “don’t accept anyone’s ideas,” “you always know better,” or “treat that person like they’re hired to help while they hang those shelves.”
Independence is awesome, but keep in mind that being bossy is not.
As a recovering control freak, I can vouch that expecting everything to be just so will kill a person’s desirability to you faster than you can say “Put that over there.”
5. You make them the center of your world.
All of the great stuff that comes along with a relationship is wonderful.
If you give up your dreams, hobbies, and passions to spend more time with another person, eventually, you will feel the pain of losing yourself.
They will notice that your emotional world revolves around them — and this is too much responsibility for anyone.
Sooner or later, resentment will bloom and damage your relationship.
You don’t have to sell out for love. Hold fast to what you like. If there is one major regret I have about my failed relationships, it’s the times I compromised on what I love for love.
Never make another person your hobby, your dream, or your goal.
It will hurt you in ways you can’t even imagine right now. There is nothing more attractive than the way someone’s eyes light up when they’re talking about their passions. Never compromise that for anyone.
6. You hold undercover negative beliefs.
Holding onto general negativity about other people and relationships is a significant reason why you might be turning people off without knowing why.
If you’ve gotten your heart broken a few times or had a shaky relationship with your parents, it can be a challenge to trust and understand other people.
This leads to the excruciating catch-22 position of wanting to attract a good person but not believing it’s possible.
If you think all they want is sex or they can’t stay faithful, you will manifest those situations!
Liking other people is essential to attracting a good person and keeping them interested long-term. People can sense when you don’t trust them, and it kills all attraction to you.
How do you like other people when you have been hurt?
Start noticing all of the times when people do things you appreciate. Remember, we are all individuals, like members of any other group. Some are bad news, and some are wonderful.
Do your best to stop generalizing. It will do wonders for the quality of people you attract into your life.
7. You chase them down.
I’ve written before about how to get someone to chase you, but it bears repeating that if you want someone who will pursue you and cherish your feelings, it has to be their idea.
I know how hard it is to sit back and wait for… well… anything… but patience is essential if you want the kind of love that lasts.
From now on, you don’t need closure, to know, “why they weren’t interested” or anything else.
When you gracefully let dead relationships die (even ones that were never official), it’s easier for the good ones to rise to the surface.
If they want to be with you, you’ll know because they’ll go out of their way to treat you well.
If not, keep looking for someone who does want to build a partnership with you.
8. You’re ready to ditch your relationship at the drop of a hat.
Commitment-phobia is real — even when you think you really want a good relationship.
Basically, if you’ve ever been hurt or found yourself in a dead-end situationship, the urge to bolt when times get tough can be overwhelming.
When I was a kid, my wonderful mother reminded me often that she was always prepared in the case that she had to support both of us.
Even though my Dad was very much present and still happily married to her to this day.
As an adult, I understand that her intention was to produce a daughter who could handle herself in the world (thanks, Mom!) but as a child, this terrified me.
For no good reason, I spent my childhood thinking that my Dad was going to bolt and men weren’t to be trusted.
From his actions, my Dad was very committed to our family. But my mother’s perspective crept into my psyche just the same.
Whatever your personal circumstances are, they shape what you do in the present with the people in your life.
I don’t blame you if you have a touch of runaway bride in you like I do.
However, it’s worth the emotional work to get to a place where you can stay and be vulnerable even when things get tough.
To be happy and feel secure in a relationship, people have to feel secure.
If you have your running shoes on all the time, your partner could think you are planning on abandoning them at any moment.
This is not healthy for either of you. It will destabilize the bond you’re trying to build.
In the end, losing a relationship can hurt, but you won’t save yourself from losing someone by preparing to lose them first.
To create the life and relationship you have always wanted, join my free masterclass 7 Blocks to Manifesting Love.
MORE: 6 Habits of Magnetically Attractive Women
