Say THIS When A Man Comes Back After Pulling Away If You Still Want To Be With Him

Hi, everyone.This is Helena Hart. Welcome back to my Master Your Magnetism podcast. I’m talking with Elizabeth Stone again today. She’s a transformative dating and relationship coach for women.She’s also the founder of Attract the One and Luxe Self.Welcome, Elizabeth.Thank you so much for joining me.

Thank you. I’m really excited to be here.I’m really looking forward to this topic after the last episode we recorded together on how to convey your standards, even if you’re not ready to walk away from a man.We got so many questions and comments under that episode. I’ll actually include a link to that one so everyone can go check it out if they haven’t heard it yet.

But today we’re going to be talking about a really important topic that’s sort of related to that. And that is what to say when a man comes back after pulling away, if you actually still want to be with him or give it a shot of making it work, right.Yeah, and it’s such a common ask in my world.

I started out fixing and saving things and fixing problems, so I hear about this a lot.I know you have personal experience with this, too.We talked about that in the second-half of our last episode, and it was such a powerful story that you shared.And I know so many women can relate to that.I know I have a tendency to just say he pulled away, drop him and move on.

He’s not the one.But I know there are millions of different situations out there, literally, and some of these are very nuanced. So we have 4 categories we’re going to talk about here.The first one is if you just started dating a man or you’ve only seen him a few times, you’re not in an exclusive relationship yet and you want to know what his intentions are, and the woman doesn’t want to feel like an option in that situation.

We’re also going to be talking about what to do if you’re actually in an exclusive, committed relationship with a man and he’s pulled away, how to prevent that from happening again and what to say when he comes back. I also hear about a lot of situations about women who’ve had an argument or a fight with a man, or the woman feels that she somehow pushed him away and the man has now come back after taking some space how to talk things through in that situation?

So we’ll be discussing that as well.And also, if an ex comes back into the picture and the woman would actually like to get back together or give things a shot, how to give that its best chance of working out?So is there anything you want to say before we dive into this topic?No, I think I’m good.I think it is important, though, to talk about what makes a man worth doing these things with.

I think that that’s a good place to start if you’re good.With Yes, absolutely.I definitely want to start there.So how to know if a man is actually worth your time to see if it’s worth giving this a shot of working out, right?Yeah, great.And I did want to mention you have a free master class that you’re offering just for women in my community.

That will be the first link in the show notes.Is there anything you want to say about that before we get started with this topic?You know, that is just a really good overview of three big mistakes women make.And they’re innocent.Like, we don’t do it on purpose, but they’re so common that if you fix those, you can turn a lot of these situations around.

So it’s definitely worth checking out.Yes, I checked that out myself after the last episode we recorded together.I thought it was just gold, so please go check that out while it’s still being offered completely free for women in my community.So let’s dive in.What are some signs that a man is actually worth your time or worth the effort to see if things could work out when he comes back after pulling away?

Well, you know, just a history of caring, kind behavior on his part.Has he been a good human to you up until this point?Does he seem to have your and his best interests at heart?Is he a good candidate for you in general?

If he has a bunch of other things going on in his life that make him wrong for you, it’s not going to make sense for you to, you know, have the perfect way of mentioning you didn’t like it when he pulled away.When he’s just not right for you to begin with.So does he actually fulfill what you’d like in a mate first?

It’s so important we can tend to not see the long term picture.When a man pulls away and we have strong feelings for him especially, we just want to get him back and make it work in this moment.It’s like our ego just wants that hit to just feel reassured and better about the situation so we don’t feel rejected or abandoned when sometimes it’s easy to forget the big picture.

Like if this man is consistently hot and cold, or consistently not meeting your needs and showing up for you in this potential relationship here, is this man truly going to be a great long term partner or husband?So I think that’s really important.Right.A lot of times women will not be that interested in a man to begin with.

Like they won’t be that into it.And then he becomes hard to get and then all of a sudden he’s much more interesting.And then they’re wondering about this when they step back and realize that he wasn’t that great to them to begin with, but the fact that he’s become sort of this problem solving adventure for them, that’s when people get themselves in trouble with us.

That is so true.I hear from so many women who say they weren’t all that interested in a man, but now he’s sort of lost interest or pulled away and they were wondering what happened and they want to try and get him back when they really weren’t all that interested to begin with.I’m really glad you mentioned that right up front.

Is there anything else you want to say about that?Are we ready to dive into this first situation?No, I think let’s go ahead and dive in.Great.So like I mentioned, one situation that I hear from women all the time is they’re with a man that they’ve only dated a couple times or maybe they haven’t even gone on a date yet, but they were talking or texting.

They’re not in an exclusive relationship yet, basically.And he’s pulled away and she doesn’t know what to do.Maybe he drops off for a week or so and then comes back around and she doesn’t want to feel like an option she doesn’t know.Should I convey that that wasn’t OK, or should I just lean back and respond to him?

I’d love to hear all your thoughts on what to do for women who are in situations, things like that.You know, I prefer to just lean back and not do too much about it.I don’t think that this is a reason for problem solving.I think that in the beginning, they are how they are.Also to them, they don’t know you that well and well, we might get excited about them.

He doesn’t know you.He’s not sure whether or not he’s going to hotly pursue you yet.So I like to just let them kind of do what they do.At that point, it’s easier for me to think about it like you have so much going on that it doesn’t even really occur to you that it’s been a while and to try to troubleshoot at this point.

Because nine times out of the 10, really saying anything kind of just drives them away more at that point because they don’t know you.Exactly.So of course, you don’t want to be fully invested in this guy or exclusively dating him in your mind or in your heart.If he hasn’t shown you with his actions, his consistent actions over time, that he’s serious about you and ready to move things forward, he wants to pursue you and see where things go if you’re not at that point yet, he basically doesn’t exist in your world if he’s pulled away, right?

I always say you want to keep your focus on yourself and your own life and what’s right in front of you in this moment to prevent fantasizing and over investing.A lot of times women over invest in a man too quickly.In their mind they’re wondering what’s going on and thinking about him all the time, even when he’s not right in front of her or showing up and pursuing her consistently.

So I really like that advice.Anything else you want to say on that one, or should we move into the next situation?We can move into the next situation, but I want to just magnify that point that you made because that is an excellent point.He doesn’t have anything to pull away from at that point.So it’s just important to recognize that even if you’re excited, he might not be excited.

Right.So in terms of what to say when he comes back, it’s.Hi.Exactly.How was your week?It’s.Your energy and your vibe that a man is picking up on.So if you’ve been staring at your phone all week and not doing anything else, just thinking about this guy, he can feel that in your energy and in your vibe.

But if you’ve been living your life, it’s just like, oh hey, nice to hear from you.It’s a nice surprise.It’s not like, where have you been?And I think a lot of women really want to tell a man their standards right up front like that.But like you said, that’s not actually the right time to do that, right?Right, right.It just pushes them away and makes them think that you had way more interest than they did.

Then they get in their heads about it and we really don’t want them in their heads about it.Exactly.And again, this is not a game or some kind of strategy.It’s just about truly, authentically getting bored and losing interest in any man who you’re not in a relationship with who’s coming in and out and he’s hot and cold, So I love everything you said there.

So the next situation I hear about all the time are from women who are actually in a relationship with a man, and he’s pulled away for a few days.She doesn’t know what’s going on.She can’t actually date other men because she’s in a committed relationship with this guy, and then he comes back around and she doesn’t know what to say.She doesn’t want to push him away further, but she also wants to let him know that that didn’t feel good.

So what do you have to say about that?Yeah, this is a really important thing to understand about men #1 and #2.The way you communicate during this can make it make or break for later.So it’s really important to dial back and down any and all anxiety you have about loss at that point.

Because the way that the chemicals go in our body, if we have a blip in a relationship where a man becomes inconsistent, it will kind of wreck the oxytocin bonding that we have going on with them, and that will cause a lot of anxiety.So there will be this roiling sense of fear and anxiety that may be not normal for us, or it may be very normal, but it may be just different.

And that’s what’s clued us in to the fact that there’s a problem or a rift.And allowing that to inform your words is one of the biggest mistakes that women make.Because to us, it feels horrible.It feels like just this feeling in your chest that he’s leaving.

It’s like the last time all of that stuff swirls around.So that comes up to the surface in the few days or however long it is.And then it can be really tempting to launch all of that pain at him, to tell him that he shouldn’t do it.And that’s what we want to not do.

Now.I’m not saying not having a conversation, I’m going to tell you what to say in a minute.But I just want to warn you that getting really calm and centered before you decide to have this conversation with him.Even if he comes back texting you or whatever he does, you don’t need to respond right away.

Like you can say hi and then take a minute, center yourself, get calm, get ready to have a conversation with him first.That little step, just knowing that you may not be 100% at your most resource.To have a conversation is important.

So once you’ve done that, the next step is to just find out what he’s been up to.What’s going on with him?Was he just busy?Like what is he doing?Also, the other thing to keep in mind is we don’t want to smack his hand once he’s reaching for you.It’s important to just keep it in mind now, after you’ve listened to what he said, then something like when I didn’t hear from you, you have every right to do whatever you were doing XY and Z.

But I felt sad.I felt unhappy.I felt uncom uncomfortable.Uncomfortable is a good one because it kind of covers a lot of bases.I felt uncomfortable with it.Next time, what do you think?Now you’re asking him what he thinks, not what he feels specifically.What do you think about letting me know that you need space, or that you need more time, or that you’re busy with work, or that you’re busy with school or whatever, because you don’t want to automatically make it about your relationship, even if it is.

So even if the reason he did this is because he was feeling weird about you, or you had a fight or something, give him the space and the grace to either tell you that it is or not.But what you’re addressing now is the separation portion is the way that he’s handled it.

And that can really help, because what you’re trying to do is get him to notify you when he needs time to himself, not not take time to himself.It’s important to realize that men don’t think about stuff as far as consistency.They’re like, hey, we’re in a relationship, we’re in love.

That means I’m consistent.That’s not true to us, but to them he’s like, well, why would I need to notify her?Like nothing’s changed.And to us it’s been 3 days, where the hell have you gone?So make sure that you address the way that he’s done it, and that makes you sad your feelings about that and not the fact that he did it.

Because then when he needs space and when he needs to go work or whatever, it’s going to make it harder for him to be him, which is going to not benefit you.Then it would if he goes, OK, well, if I leave her alone for three days, that’s that’s gonna make her sad.Now I’m gonna think about her feelings.

I’m not gonna do that.He can do that.But what he can’t do is not be him.And being him requires some space and time sometimes and for him to be able to focus on things and all that.What we want him to do is just notify us.So then we know we know he’s busy at work.We know he’s doing whatever he’s doing with school.

I love how you put that in.That is such a reasonable request and something you absolutely have a right to.And it’s such a reasonable way that you put it where the right man would go.Yeah, absolutely.Of course, because you’re not making him wrong.You’re not blaming him.Now, of course, like we talked about the beginning, if he’s consistently dropping off or disappearing out of your life for weeks at a time, what do you want with that guy?

Right.So this is for a man who is generally consistent and he might not know how his behavior is affecting you.So that’s a great way to put it.We’ve talked about this in past episodes that men and women think about relationships so differently sometimes, and it’s not our fault.And it’s not their fault either.

I know you have a whole course on understanding men.You’re just a genius at all of that, so I’ll include that link in the show notes as well.But I love everything you said there.Is there anything else you wanna mention for this one, or should we move into what to do if they’ve had an argument?I think we can move on.I could talk about why men do things and what all day long, but let’s go into arguments and specific conflict, because I think that’s one that we’re all terrified about sometimes.

Yes, I know.I hear from so many women who are afraid that they actually pushed a man away with their anxiety, or maybe their criticism or something wasn’t going right in their relationship.They had a fight and now the man is pulled away and then he comes back and she doesn’t know how to handle the situation.

So I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one.Now, I would not want to address the space so much in a case where there was a big fight or there was something that was said that was off.I wouldn’t be trying to look at the space because it’s kind of like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

The reason that he took his space was because he felt some kind of a way about what was said, what was done and what happened between you.But here he is.So here he is trying to figure out whether or not it can be OK or what can be done about it.And now is the time to really just listen to him.

Find out what happened.And one way to do this is once he appears, you do the greeting and all that, you find out what’s up.It’s been a few days.How have you been?What’s going on?And I would do my best to, just like I said a minute ago, center yourself first.

Make sure you’re ready to have the conversation.Don’t try to have it while you’re in the middle of doing something else.And really, really listen to them.Sometimes with men, they’re used to us talking about our grievances before they can get a word out, and that will not serve you in this conversation.

So what you want to to do is ask him about what happened.And this is particularly if you think you screwed up.So if you think you screwed up, we want to hear about his feelings because we want to hear about his thoughts.But if we ask a man directly about his feelings, he doesn’t always open up in the way we would hope.

So you ask him what he thinks about the argument, what was said or what was done, what he’s been thinking about, and ask him in terms of thought, So what are your thoughts about that?And then just listen and then see what happens.Because sometimes he’ll talk through the whole process problem, and then you have an opportunity to make amends right there.

Sometimes he got something in his head that wasn’t necessarily what you meant, and then you can clear it up right then.But as you’re listening to him, you can find out what it is and then you can address it because like I said, if it’s your fault, it’s OK that it was your fault.And if he’s going to leave you over something like this, then you can deal with that in a minute once he tells you during the time that you’re listening to him.

But it will help just listening with an open mind.That’s all you need to do.And this sounds like really simple advice, but it is magic.It works really well.So I would do that first.And then if he says you did X or Y, or you said X or Y, you can try to clear that up gently.

And then it will be less often that you’ll have to deal with him taking space, because he’ll know that he can come to you and you will actually just listen to him, even if things haven’t gone well.It’s so true, I know the tendency to want to craft the perfect sentence or the perfect apology, and it does our masculine energy trying to do things in this moment.

But really listening to him actually gets you back into that feminine energy place where often a man really will open up once you give him the space to do that.Most men, we’re speaking in generalizations here, obviously.Do you have anything to say for if it was the man’s fault that they had an argument?

I mean, I know it’s subjective and we weren’t planning on talking about this, but what if it was something that the man did, that the woman didn’t like, and that’s what caused the argument and now he’s come back.Do you have any thoughts there?Yeah, that’s a good time to say.You have every right to say that.Do that, be that, whatever.

Unless it’s immoral, unethical or illegal, you have every right to do that.But I feel uncomfortable, sad, bad, and it has to be an emotion.Angry.It can’t be.I feel like you’re a jerk, girl.I feel like that was wrong.No, I feel bad.So either what do you think about doing something different or you just leave it at that.

You tell them you’re feeling and then you get kind of quiet and then listen.Listen to his response.So less is more because he may start out defensive, but he may talk himself into a more amenable point of view.And just staying soft receiving, like you were just pointing out that listening is very receptive energy.

Just receive.Receive what he says after you tell him about the hurt.Right then you get to decide is this going to work for you or not.It actually puts you in a place of power, not a place of trying to like grovel or make things work or do whatever you can to keep this guy around when he maybe isn’t the right one for you or it’s not the right situation for you.

So I love what you said there.Anything else on that one?Or should we move into what to do when an ex comes back into the picture?I think we’re good with that because it’s very simple now.It can be easy to try to add more or try harder, but you’re absolutely right.You don’t need to pretzel twist yourself into something else, so that’s the right attitude to have.

Yes.So for this next situation, I know you have personal experience with this.We talked about that a lot in the last episode we recorded together.And again, it’s something I hear from women all the time.They were in a relationship with a man, They broke up for whatever reason, and he comes back weeks later or months later and she wants to actually give the relationship another shot or wants to see if things could work out between the two of them.

I know there’s so much we could talk about here for this one, but what are your thoughts on that?So the way to handle an ex coming back is so much about the way that you are and not what you say specifically or what you do specifically that I can’t emphasize it enough.

Now, if you’re still in a place of high conflict where it just happened or it hasn’t been that long or you haven’t gotten yourself out of that heartbroken, let me tell you everything about what you did place.A good clue is if you feel like you can’t talk about anything besides the breakup when you come around your friends and family.

That’s how we know is if you keep bringing him up.So if you’re still there, and this can be a time when exes come back, but it’s also a time that people really make a lot of mistakes because they’re there, and getting out of there is your first priority.So get into your best mind space that you can possibly get into.

You are going to get nothing out of telling him all about your hurt feelings about the breakup or all of your sadness.Now is not the time for that, because what men will do after a breakup is they will start to see which way the wind is blowing.So they’ll sort of show up and they won’t show up.

Like, we all want them to show up on their knees ready to grovel with flowers and like going all the way with how desperately bad they feel that we’re not around.They don’t do that.And it is madding.They like, send you a text that says I found a sock of yours under the bed, right.So knowing that that’s gonna happen is just helpful because if you’re like, well, he doesn’t care about me very much anymore.

No, he still cares about you.He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t understand that about men.They don’t spend their energy in directions.They aren’t at least curious about South.Here he is.He’s decided to say something.Now we want to take that real casually.Have a conversation about the weather.

Have a conversation about your day.Treat him like a buddy that you haven’t heard from in a long time because he doesn’t owe you anything.Remember, you’re not entitled to him, and vice versa.He’s not entitled anything from you.So now is the time to just be casual, like you were about to go about your day.

I think about it like friendly.But not friends.Like, yeah, I’m good.What are you up to?Because that first little feeler, if you grab hold of that and try to tell them all about your feelings and your emotions and what happened.And you want him to be here and he’s not.And it’s a time for standards.

It doesn’t work.If it worked, I’d have you do it, but it does not work.So if you really want him, this will confuse him, and that’s excellent because he’s expecting some kind of emotional response from you.And when he doesn’t get it, he won’t know what to do, but he’ll be forced to process his own emotions.

So what men will do often is they will go over to a woman, trigger her emotions, and then hear about them and then go, oh, I’m safe from that.I don’t have that problem.But the only reason he came over here is because he was feeling some kind of way about you anyway.So treat him like a buddy.Keep treating him like a buddy.

Do not sleep with him until you have a recommitment, until he tells you that he wants to get back together, that he misses you.And he wants your relationship.Not just that he misses you or that he loves you, but you have a committed relationship and you need to ask him before you you do anything sexual with him.

So just treat him like a buddy.Like, yeah, hey, here he is.Not a lot of high emotion, not a lot of big feelings.Keep it moving.Be the one to end the conversation.But be kind to him if you’re interested.And then eventually he’s going to start trying to see if he can see you.He’ll move it up.And sometimes if they’re nervous, they’ll do it fast.

Like, hey, you want to hang out?Oh, if you have time to hang out, go hang out with him.Take his invitations.So you go and you be around him and then have somewhere else to go.Get out of there.And the reason why I’m not in encouraging any kind of big emotional conversation is because now is not the time.

You did all of that.I want you to bury the relationship like it’s dead and now you’re talking to a buddy.That’s the perfect attitude to have because like I said, you both are not entitled to each other.If you still enjoy his company and want to be around him.Now we’re going to have to build an emotional connection again.

And that’s the way that people actually get back together.It’s not by saying the right thing or having the right move to make or any of this.It’s by creating emotional connection.And the way we do that is we know each other.We spend time together, we share, we laugh, we have jokes.

This is how we made the relationship in the 1st place.So this is what you want to roll everything back to in your head?I love how you put all of that.And again, you want to get in touch with the part of yourself that really isn’t so sure about this guy.You’re not ready to just jump back into bed with him or jump back into a relationship with him without seeing if he’s going to really prove himself to you.

And that is a very attractive magnetic energy.Not OK, he came back.Let’s talk about this.Let’s get this relationship back on track.You want to see what he does without trying to steer things in that direction, right?Yes, yes.Like, do you still have something to work with?

Is this worth even working on?Because if you get this commitment, you get it back on track.This is what you’re going to be doing with them.So do it now.That’s what our lives are made of is 1 connection after another.So do that rather than strategizing about how to get the label without having that, because what is the point?

Exactly.There’s nothing to really commit to if you don’t have that strong emotional connection and foundation.And I like what you said.You’re not just picking right back where you left off.The old relationship is dead, basically, and we’re starting over.He doesn’t get special treatment just because you were in love with him for eight months or something like that.

Right, right.Now I know in my bones how hard this is to do.You can go listen to the last episode we did to understand how this can be an endurance race for you.That’s just what it costs.Some things cost more than other things in life, and this is one of those things that’s expensive.

And if you still want to do it because you love this person and want to be with them, this is just what it costs.If you don’t want to pay the cost, fine.But before you do this, know that it’s like the emotional Olympics.And I tell everybody who I talked to one-on-one this before we even work together.

This is the emotional Olympics.I understand if you don’t want to do it, but know that that’s what this is.It is not like going to come back online in two weeks and be perfect, because whatever got you here is still there.But you might be able to come to a higher point of consciousness and then have that not be a problem.

You can disappear it when we work together, but there’s not going to be a big change in who you both are in four weeks.So know if you want to do it before you try it, and if you find out halfway through that it’s not for you, that’s OK.Quitting is OK here.He definitely is.

I cannot emphasize that enough.Like I mentioned, very quick to say, this isn’t the right one.Drop him and move on.But I hear from so many women who aren’t quite ready to do that, and that’s where your work is so powerful.I know you’ve had personal success with this in your own life and with countless clients.

Are you still doing private coaching, by the way?I can include a link if you’re still offering coaching.Yeah, I’m.Still doing private coaching And know that it is not about the perfect thing to say or do when you’re interested in getting back together with somebody.It is about your way of being.It is about who you are bringing to this relationship, and the best version of you is always the person to bring.

And that can be a tall order when you’re heartbroken or wondering what he did or all that.Now, eventually it will become time to have a conversation about it, but it’s almost never the time to have a conversation right in the beginning.That usually is just a continuation of the breakup talks and it doesn’t go well.

And when clients try to do it right away, it usually torpedoes things unless they’ve had a big shift in their way of being.So shift your way of being because you’re valuable no matter what.If he made the decision to dump you, but here he is, well, now we don’t give him girlfriend privileges or wife privileges.

We just talk to him like he’s a buddy.We just see if there’s a connection there.And then you can find out really fast what somebody’s intentions are by just being around and not giving them what they might get if you were a girlfriend or a wife.Right.And again, I know I keep saying this, but it’s just so important to keep reiterating.

This isn’t about just letting a guy come and go as he pleases.Of course, it’s important to convey your standards and boundaries.We did a whole episode on that.I’ll include a link in the show notes if you want to know exactly what to say.And of course, I highly recommend private coaching if you have a real specific situation that you want some personalized help with.

You are just a genius at how a man’s mind works, especially in situations like this.The way you handled your own situation and countless clients over the years is just perfect.So I’ll include information on that as well.And your free master class, of course.That’ll be the first link in the show notes.

Just click the title of this video.If you’re listening on YouTube, that’ll open up the description.If you’re listening on my podcast, just Scroll down.You might have to click see more if you’re listening on Spotify and go check out everything Elizabeth has going on.I know you have a whole course on understanding Men and a love magnet meditation to really get yourself to this grounded, centered place where you can speak from your heart and be authentic and you’re not just throwing all that out the window and trying to get this guy back.

This was amazing.I know we want to try and keep this episode short today.Is there anything else you want to say on this topic?I just love everything you shared.Oh, thank you so much.And I appreciate your kind words and your way of being and everything that you offer everybody.It’s just so wonderful to connect with you.Otherwise, you know, just keep yourself together.

Men are like buses.They come along every so often.They’re more of them.This one might be really great, and I understand if you really, really want to make it work with one of them, but understanding that there are always options.There are always, always options.One of my newest clients is in her 80s and tons of options.

That woman is lit up and it’s because of her way of being.You’ll have it no matter what throughout your life.So if that’s who you are, then what’s happening with anyone men becomes less important, and it also becomes easier to settle it out.It’s so true.It can be so easy to forget that when you’re caught in the throes of chemistry, you’re just trying to get this one guy back.

So I love those words of wisdom.Beautiful note to close out on.This was fantastic.Again, please go check out Elizabeth’s free master class in the show notes.I just love speaking with you every time we do an episode.I think we should probably do so many more of these.There’s just so many different situations we can talk about here.

Thank you so, so much.I just so appreciate you and every time we get together it is just a pleasure and I would love to do more and discuss all of this.It is my favorite thing to do.So thank you so much for inviting me on and spending your time.Anytime.

I just love our conversations always.And thanks for listening everyone.Make sure you’re following my podcast so you don’t miss any new episodes.I have new episodes coming out every week.Just click the follow button on my podcast homepage if you don’t want to miss those.And thanks again, Elizabeth.I’ll talk with you soon.All right.

Thank you.The biggest mistake women make when a man is hot and cold, acting distant or pulling away is something called a connection barrier, and it only pushes him further away.