How to Convey Your Standards, Even If You’ve Accepted Crumbs (Or You’re Not Ready to Walk Away)

(This transcript has been automatically generated and not checked for accuracy.)

Hi, everybody.
This is Helena Hart.
Welcome back to the Master Your Magnetism Podcast.
I’m talking with Elizabeth Stone again today.
She’s a dating and relationship coach for women.
She’s also a transformational coach and founder of Attract the One and Luxe Self.
We have a great topic for everyone today.
0:26
I’m so excited to dive in.
Welcome, Elizabeth.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you.
Yes, it’s so great to come back.
We recorded an episode together on the feminine blueprint to attract the right person.
And in that episode we also talked about the fact that you don’t always have to feel great in order to manifest what you want in love or in any area of your life.
0:48
And I absolutely loved recording that episode with you.
It got such a huge positive response from my community.
I knew I had to bring you back on for another episode.
And we want to talk about feminine standards today that will help you really improve all the relationships in your life.
1:03
But we’re going to talk about dating and love relationships specifically, right?
Yes, yes.
And thank you for having me back.
It’s always such a pleasure to speak to you.
So we had a great time in that last episode.
I realized that we’re really aligned in a lot of these very important topics.
1:20
And so we’re going to talk about what this looks like when you’re single and dating and looking to attract the right person.
And we’re also going to talk about what to do if you’ve been dating someone for a while or maybe you’re in a relationship and you haven’t had high standards.
How can you backtrack or start implementing these standards?
1:39
What to do and say if you’re in that situation?
I know I hear from women all the time who feel like they’ve tolerated bad behavior and they don’t know how to back themselves out of it or what to do next.
So let’s start with women who were single or dating.
What does having high standards look like, and how does this tie into feminine energy?
1:58
Well, you know, I think having high standards is sort of misunderstood because what we’re really trying for is honoring your yes and your no.
Really.
Because most of the time when people are talking about standards, they’re like, OK, something is off in what they’re either attracting or what they’re noticing, or they just don’t actually think that they could have what they want.
2:22
So then they go on this like, are my standards too high?
Are they too low?
Are they right?
Are they wrong?
And I think people get themselves tripped up when they think that it’s a blanket cure.
All for all that ails you.
But standards become invisible in the good times, so if everything’s going great, you don’t need to be enacting boundaries, right?
2:45
Therefore, when things aren’t going well and you’re noticing things aren’t lining up for what you want, that it’s time to look at the standards or look at what you are tolerating or wanting that isn’t necessarily showing up.
I love that.
My audience on my podcast, by the way, is mostly women, so the language we’re using here is going to reflect that.
3:05
And of course we’re going to be talking about feminine energy in this episode, but this could probably apply to anyone.
If women are attracting someone who is hot and cold, maybe they’re not very reliable, they don’t follow up, and maybe they’re only attached to this kind of person.
3:22
What would you suggest they do to start off on the right foot with this?
You know.
Really just not putting too much attention on people that aren’t giving attention to you.
So instead of trying to work and use masculine energy, use Yang energy to make it different or better or change it.
3:44
What is usually most effective is just to back away and match that energy that you’re getting.
Absolutely.
I often say it’s a lot easier if you’re completely single and starting off on the right foot, because you just don’t need to invest any time or energy or certainly emotions in someone who isn’t showing up consistently from the beginning, especially if you’ve been consistent and open and available to them, right?
4:09
Yeah, exactly.
There’s no reason to look at it like you are trying to get someone that does not want you to do things that they are not doing.
That just is so hard and broken.
And difficult that it’s like not worth my time.
So true.
4:25
So it’s not about implementing some tactic to try to make a guy step up who’s not showing up consistently from the beginning of a guy showing up and he’s hot and cold.
He’s not that available.
You don’t need to say hey just to let you know, here are my boundaries.
I need a guy who asked me out every week and is consistent in texting back.
4:41
You don’t need to really say that.
It’s just about truly getting bored and losing interest in anyone who isn’t showing up with what you want, basically, right?
Yeah.
Yes, exactly.
That’s really well put.
It’s so much simpler to just look at it like these are people who are filter again and they may be interesting and maybe not interesting rather than, oh, this person’s perfect.
5:03
I have to make something happen.
I have to show him that I am high value and have high standards and then he will love me.
It doesn’t work like that.
It works more like you’re honoring yourself so strongly.
And that’s what I think of when I think of high feminine standards, Like you honor yourself so strongly that nothing that is off for you even gets onto your radar.
5:25
It doesn’t even get through.
It’s like invisible to you because it just isn’t anything that you would entertain.
And so it being so strong for you that you’re not going to be treated a certain way is the embodiment of high feminine standards, because standards are ruled by yen energy anyway.
5:43
Standards are ruled by feminine energy, so they’re the highest form of self honoring that you can be doing.
Yeah.
So interesting that you say that I love everything you’re sharing here.
I believe it was in a video I recorded with my husband a few years ago on a feminine approach to boundaries, and he said something that I really never heard him say before in that video.
6:03
He said that he knew that I had standards when we first started dating.
He knew that I would absolutely be willing to walk away if the relationship wasn’t in alignment with what I truly wanted or the vision I saw for myself in my future.
But it’s not something we ever had to sit down and talk about.
6:21
I didn’t have to say hey, just to let you know, I don’t drive the men on the first date or I don’t.
Before being exclusive, we didn’t really have any of those big high stakes conversations.
And truly, it wasn’t something I even really thought about at all when we were dating, because he was really consistent and reliable and dependable.
6:39
And so I’ve been asking him lately because I’ve been getting a lot of questions like this, like, how do you convey to a man that you’re willing to walk away without having to have that conversation?
And so I’ve been asking, like, how did you know that I had standards, even though I didn’t say, hey, here’s my list of standards and requirements?
6:55
And it was actually pretty hard to tease out.
And I think it really just comes down to are you willing to walk away if something’s not right?
That’s sort of what we came up with.
If you’re really, truly willing to walk away from a situation that isn’t in your best interest or not in alignment with what you want, a man’s going to feel that.
7:12
You don’t really have to say anything to convey your standards to him.
He’s going to pick up on that.
And if you have those high standards, he’s going to pick up on that too, just in the way you carry yourself, what you’re available for and things like that.
What are your thoughts on that?
7:27
You know, that’s a great point and.
I agree totally that, like with my partner, I never had the conversation.
Like, these are my standards.
I mean, he knows I’m a coach, so he’s probably listened to more than anyone else of my talking about, you know, who I am and what I think.
7:44
But in general, when we started dating, I never said anything about that either.
And you know, to be quite honest, I have had the I will leave you with these things do not change.
Talk with him.
I have absolutely had that talk, but that I have not had that talk in the beginning during courtship, more like later when life got in the way and people start to get complacent.
8:08
And I have absolutely had that talk, but I didn’t have that talk from a princessy sort of like I’m entitled position.
I had to talk like, hey, you know, if we see relationships differently then.
Maybe it isn’t right to continue because this is how I see relationship and let’s talk about how you see it.
8:30
But also, I will walk away if it does not change.
So I love that you brought that up.
Let’s definitely talk about that in this episode, maybe in the part where we talk about what to do and what to say If you’re in a situation where you’re with a good person.
But maybe things have gotten complacent, like you said, and you want to actually give the relationship its best shot of working out before actually walking away, I would love to hear more on that, that, yeah, I think that’s such an important thing for people to hear.
8:58
So yeah, what I’m hearing you say for this first part, when people are single and dating is just actually have those standards and a man’s going to be able to feel that and you’re just not going to allow anyone in your space or in your schedule or your life who doesn’t measure up to that.
9:14
I’m curious if you have any specific examples of what these standards might look like or feel like, or is it different for everybody?
You know, there’s some that seem like they’re kind of normal across women I speak to like.
Not wanting to do anything in the middle of the night, like leave your house to go visit a man at 11:00 PM.
9:34
Another one that comes up sometimes is how long women are willing to wait to have sex, or having specific numbers around that.
But the thing about standards is if it feels good and it feels right to you.
You’re not violating standards by going ahead with it.
9:50
It doesn’t need to be this judgmental.
He’s not measuring up kind of thing.
It can be like, hey, I want him to be gainfully employed so that our life together isn’t a struggle.
Or, you know, I don’t really want to support a man, or I don’t want to lose myself in our relationship and just bend over backwards and be the one who’s doing all of the work.
10:11
Those kind of standards seem to be a little more flexible and useful in my experience, than the ones that are more rigid.
And numbers based or you’re trying to just like apply rules to the guy, I think that’s great.
So basically what feels good to you?
10:26
I think that’s the feminine piece of that.
Does it feel good to you if a man is still dating other women Weeks after you’ve met?
Months after you’ve met?
I would say probably not.
If you want to be exclusive, if you want an exclusive relationship or are you just dating?
You’re not really looking for that committed partnership at this time.
10:43
And that feels good.
You want to stay open too.
You want to get to know other people.
Maybe you’re really single or something like that.
So I think it could be different for everybody.
So it’s does this feel good to me or not?
Do I have that right?
Yeah.
And also, sometimes over time, those things change.
10:58
Like in my 20s, not being married to my partner was a complete low standard.
Like I felt like I really wanted to be married, so I wouldn’t date anybody who didn’t want to be married.
But I’m divorced like I’ve been married before, and I don’t actually want to get married now.
11:16
But I have a partner who is monogamous with just me, and we do fun things together and have a great time.
And we’ve been together over 7 years now, so it can look like how you want it to look, but it needs to feel good.
If you’re denying what you really want in effort to go along, that does not count.
11:38
It’s high standards, I totally agree.
And a lot of women I work with are in their 60s or sometimes 50s and late 40s.
Typically I work with people from all age categories.
But a lot of women who have been married before for decades and done all of that, especially a little later in life, a lot of them don’t want to get married.
11:58
They’re like I’m, I have a partner that I see a few times a week, but I want to have my own space.
I don’t want to be responsible for anyone else financially or health wise, and they’re just enjoying their freedom in their life.
And so yeah, it can just look different for everybody.
What feels good to you might be completely different than what feels good to someone else.
12:17
So I love that you mentioned that.
Is there anything else you want to say on this first piece of how to have standards or what your standards should be or what it’ll feel like or not feel like when you’re in alignment with those standards?
When you’re just single and dating and looking to attract the right partner.
12:34
Yeah, One thing I’ve noticed lately with the women I speak to and coach is that there’s a fair amount of should I or shouldn’t I in this conversation?
Like, should should I want a certain thing?
Shouldn’t I want a certain thing?
And it really is up to you.
12:50
Like you said, there’s not a rule book out there.
But what I’ve noticed people get the maddest about mad at themselves almost is when they just kept doing it.
It being whatever, you know, going over to his house late is the example.
13:07
It keeps popping from my head.
I’m not sure why or being the one to plan everything.
Being the social director in the relationship or just knowing it wasn’t right, then it will be like, well, it was my idea and I do want to see him and.
I did actually want to go over to his house.
13:24
So usually the way it works when your standards are not aligned or you’re not sticking with them is something will feel bad and then you’ll try to talk yourself out of it.
Like, whoa, you know, it’s fine.
He doesn’t want to get engaged, ’cause he had a bad whatever, you know, all of that explanation is usually how you know that something is off.
13:46
Now, it isn’t necessarily his behavior that’s off.
It could be that you’re just not speaking up about it.
Or that you’re not saying what needs to be said or something like that.
So it isn’t always like, OK, this man does not fit my standards.
I will throw the whole man away because people are really afraid of that.
14:05
Like, what does this mean about our whole relationship?
Or what does this mean about me?
And it’s those little battles.
It’s the little times when you sold yourself out that people get the most angry about or most disappointed in themselves usually.
Yeah, I hear from women all the time, even just people I know in my life who know the guy is not the one.
14:25
But they keep driving to him and doing everything.
And then they get irritated that he’s not really putting any effort in.
It’s like, well, why would he?
He’s got this great deal where you just drive over there and sleep with him and he doesn’t have to spend any time or effort or money on you at all.
It’s like, why in the world would this guy do anything different?
14:43
He’s got this amazing deal and it’s a terrible deal for the woman, but there’s just sometimes something in us that wants to drive forward and make something happen with someone who’s clearly never going to step up and be that partner for you, right?
Yeah.
14:58
Yeah.
Great point.
Yes, yeah, so great.
By the way, I forgot to mention at the beginning of this episode, I know you have a free master class that you’re still offering to women in my community and also your love magnet meditation that’s on sale right now.
Very inexpensive.
And I’ll include links to how people can get in touch with you if they’re interested in private coaching and all of that in the show notes.
15:19
So is there anything else you want to say on this first piece, or Are you ready to move into what to do if women are with a guy and they have been tolerating bad behavior and they need to know what to do next in order to kind of back themselves out of it?
You know, I’m good.
I think it’s a good time to move on.
15:37
Perfect.
Yeah.
So I know I hear from a lot of women who are like, well, I’ve been dating this guy for months or even like I’ve been this 234 plus year relationship and I haven’t really held him to these standards or I haven’t really had any standards at all.
We’ve just sort of fallen into this relationship and they learn about this work and what things could really be like.
15:57
And they want to make a fresh start, but they don’t want to just dump this guy and move on.
They want to see if he’s actually capable of stepping up.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on what they could do to start turning things around.
Well, the first thing that they can do at the early stages of realizing that something’s off or something isn’t working is to sit down alone and think about the way you really want your life with this man to be.
16:25
Do you want to live together?
Do you want to have a marriage?
Do you want a child?
What is it that you’re actually after in relationship with him?
And then see whether or not this particular human wants those same things.
16:40
Like, do you imagine that he wants to get married and have a child, or that he just wants a partnership where you’re monogamous but you don’t have a marriage?
What exactly is it that you want?
And then what is it exactly that he wants?
16:56
Because we can have our standards all day long, but it’s not about forcing the other person to have the same ones or want the same things.
So, you know, get clear on that and not clear on it.
Like, well, I don’t think he wants to marry me.
17:12
Or, you know, we’ve been together for nine years and he’s never proposed.
So that must mean something about what I’m like, not that more like what is this human being that I am with, What does he want?
And then if you’re unclear about any of those things, maybe go ask him in a very real and questioning way.
17:34
Like a genuine exploration of what he actually sees his life being like, not the I see myself being married.
What do you see way?
This is not a time where you start with your ideal life.
And if he doesn’t really know or doesn’t really want to answer you, you can leave that one alone and then sort of throw out what you see your life looking like.
17:56
It depends on the particular relationship in man how I would go about this, because he might already be all dialed in to the idea that you wanted to get married for nine years and he doesn’t.
So it isn’t about nagging him, but really finding out.
Like do you think he actually wants to get married?
18:12
Because he might not.
Yeah, I think most men will be pretty straightforward if you just say, hey, I’m a big girl, give it to me straight.
This is something you yourself or not.
Let’s such a reasonable request to see if you’re on the same page, especially if you’ve invested time in a relationship with this person or you’re thinking about investing time.
18:31
Like you have a right to know what they’re looking for and if they see a future with you.
So I love what you said.
Come from a a place of curiosity, not a place of trying to steer things in the direction you want.
I think that’s really important.
Yeah, and you know, men don’t grow up thinking about minivans and commitment, like commitment is really for child raising and for women.
18:53
So he might not see that, but he might also not want to lose you.
And that’s sort of Step 2.
Step 2 is to explain what you in fact want in a way that does not blame him for any of his behavior.
So in a way that you’re not shaming him or blaming him or pointing out that if you just wanted to get married, you wouldn’t be so old now and have a hard time having kids.
19:17
They can hear guilt and they know you even if they don’t know you well.
They’re really tuned to this.
They know this conversation is coming and they will say the thing that they said the last time you had the conversation if they don’t want to, which is probably, well, not right now, not whatever.
19:32
And he said, great.
You know, I can see myself doing this.
This is the life I want.
And I’m going to think about finding somebody that wants that.
And that is scary to say.
That message is really not an easy one to deliver.
But you script it out first and just choke it out and then kind of see what happens.
19:52
Yeah, I love it.
Is there anything else you want to say on that?
I think it’s important to not do that as a tactic like we talked about, because like you said, men are sensitive to your.
Energy and vibe.
If you’re not actually willing to walk away, but you’re saying that you are about to walk away, that will backfire on you, ’cause a man can feel it when he’s really got you and you’re not going anywhere, and he can basically do whatever he wants or come and go as he pleases, right?
20:18
You’re absolutely right.
There’s a big difference between you threatening to leave him and then not leaving him and you really being ready to leave him and genuine about that.
But also you can tell him that you’re not ready to leave him and you will stay as long as you can.
20:34
But you were really thinking about the life you want to live, so just being honest about that.
People really want there to be some perfect sound bite to say to the man, but it’s actually about your way of being when you’re having the.
Is this woman ready to give up on me?
20:51
Uh oh.
And if you’re not, you can say that because he will already know that you don’t have to get to that place before you have a conversation about your standards or what you want your life to be like.
And I would suggest you don’t use the word standards.
Use the words.
I want my life to be like this.
21:07
I don’t see things going like this.
And you know, I’ve had a great time with you.
Be very clear about the good parts about the relationship, because you wouldn’t be there if there wasn’t something.
And you know you’d like that with him.
The other thing that men are incredibly afraid of is that the woman that they’re with is with them in order to so like, they just want to get married.
21:30
They don’t want him.
They just want a child.
They don’t want him.
So add that.
You want it to be with him.
I want to be married to you.
But hey, if that’s not the way you see things looking, then that is absolutely OK.
I’ll be all right.
21:45
I just want to know whether or not this is something we could have.
And I don’t think that you should put it like it’s all up to him at the end.
I think that’s so great.
That’s so authentic and vulnerable.
Like, actually, I would love to have this with you, but if this isn’t something that you want, it might be time for me to think about what I want to do here.
22:07
And I love that you said you don’t actually have to get to the point where you’re willing to walk away unless you’re actually telling him I’m about to walk away.
But if that’s not authentic and true to you, maybe you say something like I’m willing to give it another three months or six months.
If you need more time, I’m willing to keep dating for another few months.
22:24
And, and maybe I’ll keep my options open until you decide whether or not you want to commit.
I mean, there’s all kinds of different situations here, whether you just started dating or whether you’ve been in a relationship already for five years.
So many different experiences.
That’s where getting some personal support or coaching can be really, really helpful for your unique situation.
22:43
But I think that’s great.
It’s just so authentic and you can just really say that.
You don’t have to be afraid to say that because like you said, he’s probably picking up on it anyway, right?
Yes, absolutely.
And if you’re already thinking about leaving him and already thinking that you need to move on, there’s no harm in telling him that being afraid that he might leave you because you’re thinking about leaving him doesn’t make any sense.
23:08
If you know that you want different things, there is no harm in telling him exactly what is happening because they benefit from clarity.
Men really like clarity, I’ve noticed.
They don’t always understand it or react the way that we would hope, but.
23:24
I would rather know that he doesn’t want the same things, because then you have time and openness to go do and get the thing that you want.
You know, being afraid that any particular one person is not going to be the person for you is just going to take time.
23:39
It’s just going to use up your life force.
So you might as well-being afraid of scaring a man or like, telling him the truth.
That’s what makes people actually passive aggressive and annoying, because he knows it’s much better to be like, yeah, I’m going and then see.
Because women’s biggest fear is generally abandonment, and then men’s is shame.
23:59
So we react to men as if telling them that we’re going to leave will wake up all their abandonment issues and upset them.
And that does not help.
It’s wrong.
They rise to the occasion when they think that they’re going to lose something that they want.
24:15
I think that’s so important to keep in mind.
So you might have a fear of abandonment.
You might have a fear of pushing him away.
But trying to ignite some sort of fear of abandonment in a man is not going to work.
That’s not what inspires him to want to commit to you.
And if you have to resort to that, what do you want with that guy?
24:31
What kind of husband and father and lifelong partner would that be if he didn’t really want to be there from the beginning?
So I think this is really important.
Commitment is such a big one.
I hear that all the time.
That’s probably the number one thing where women are afraid to bring this up.
They don’t know how to have these conversations.
24:46
And another thing is something you actually mentioned, complacency or a guy’s maybe getting a little lazy, he’s not texting as much, he’s not taking you on as many dates.
Things just aren’t the same as they were at the beginning of the relationship when you were just dating and starting out.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on what a woman could say or do in a situation like that.
25:07
Yeah.
The thing about complacency is that first you have to not be taking it personally.
I’m going to use my own self as an example.
Like when I feel the worst about it is when I am making up a bunch of thoughts and entertaining a bunch of ideas that are entirely made-up but look like they go with the situation.
25:26
So, like, he’s not doing this because he must think this about me.
None of these things have been tested in reality, right?
So they’re all just mental energy that’s being expended.
So is he not wanting sex because I’m not attractive anymore?
25:44
Is he not affectionate because that?
So it’s all me, me, me.
That feels bad.
So first getting out of there.
So we need to get out a bad feeling before you ever go over to a man and do anything.
Not entirely out, like you’re just pretending you’re happy or something.
26:00
What I mean is.
We cannot put any of those things in a wheelbarrow.
They are not real.
I think that he might be thinking this is never ever as useful as going over to him and saying, hey, I’ve noticed you haven’t wanted to have sex for however long.
26:16
What’s going on?
So all of the judgment needs to just be dealt with in house because.
If you take all of that over to him and then say I must not be attractive to you anymore, or I must not be interesting to you because, and this is what I’ve made of your behavior, then you’re just piling insecurity on.
26:37
You do not look attractive, you are not being magnetic.
And we’re all insecure human beings sometimes, right?
Yeah, but that doesn’t need to be said like that.
Like, you must not care because of XY and Z.
And that might be what your mental dialogue is like.
26:53
But reality testing first, especially if you know that that’s something that you’re doing and the coach can point that out that you’re just have made-up all of this stuff.
So getting out of there first, even if it takes you a little while, nothing in relationship land is generally very urgent.
27:08
So if you need to think about why you want X or Y from him, or you’re thinking that his behavior proves something about you, then that’s just not the thing to bring to him.
The thing to bring to him is something very clear, like hey, I’ve noticed this isn’t happening and it would make me so happy if we could do X&Y, but you can’t deliver that the way that it needs to be said in a very soft and gentle and and inviting way.
27:34
If you’re already bitter and angry about it.
So do a little exploration first and then go to him with the actual thing that you want.
Do you think it would be possible for you to do X&Y?
It would make me so happy.
That is an incredibly powerful message.
Now, if you’re at the point where you could almost leave him over it, do it sooner rather than later, because women will wait until they are just done with the guy, and then they’ll tell him, and then they’ll be mystified that he goes and does all the things she always wanted after she leaves.
28:08
So do it way before you were actually going to leave him.
Because this is how men get wake up calls.
This is why they change.
They do not change on their own.
They change because there is a catalyst that makes them use that energy.
Think in terms of energy output with men.
It’s so helpful if they have already married you and your life together is like normal and the same.
28:29
They’re not going to be inspired to do new stuff.
So you just.
Point out that new stuff would make you super happy and that would be really cool.
And then C you need to give him some time to give it a shot.
What are your thoughts on that?
I think it’s great.
It reminds me of an interview I did years ago with a male expert and coach who said that men’s brains are a little different.
28:50
They just get very formulaic.
Most men, obviously, we’re speaking in generalizations here, but they’ll say, OK, I’ve done this and this and this for X number of months or years and she’s still here and I’m here because I want to be here.
So they assume that you’re here because you’re happy with what’s going on as well.
29:07
They’re not constantly thinking of like, what’s a new way I can surprise my woman.
Some men are and that’s amazing, but not all of them.
And it doesn’t mean that he’s a bad guy or that he doesn’t care about you or love you.
But sometimes men just need to know what it is that would make you happy because it’s easy to get stuck in patterns of I’ve done XYZ for this long and it’s worked well.
29:28
Why would I change it up if she’s not saying that she wants anything different, right?
Yes, excellent point.
So important to know that about men because they do not think about relationship in the same way we do.
And it is a drastic difference.
Yeah, it’s drastic.
29:44
So you’re absolutely right.
Like no news is good news in mainland.
They think peace is the perfect situation for them and that can look like you are ready to leave him.
That can look like you’re cheating on him with the neighbor.
Peace can look like a lot of things that it isn’t really for the woman because.
30:03
She’s already checked out, or decided it isn’t possible, or thought that he not doing more meant something about her, so opening that conversation was too scary.
But really, it might just be that he’s settled in.
He’s fine.
30:18
He’s not thinking about ways to delight you or ways that he’s not delighting you unless you don’t bring it up.
So true.
Oh my gosh, I could just talk forever about this.
There’s so many situations that this manifests.
And I know you shared a personal situation.
30:36
I don’t know if you’d be willing.
It’s totally OK if you’re not.
But is there anything you want to share about that?
What was going on and what you said and whether or not things changed and how they changed?
Sure.
Yeah, I can share about that.
So I’ve had two fairly long separations with my partner.
30:53
So after six months of dating, he had some mental health issues and abruptly ended our relationship that up until that point had been amazing and he had put in a ton of effort and really, it shocked me.
That he ended it at that point, I couldn’t believe it.
31:11
And I still did exactly what I would tell a client to do, which is I just went, OK, if that’s what you want, let me know if you change your mind.
And then I just let him be there.
I mean be there, meaning not there.
I didn’t get in touch with them.
I didn’t do anything.
And then eventually he started coming back around, but it took a while for that to happen and he came back having solved all of the problems.
31:34
So.
He had got a dog, he’d lost £80, he had gone to see professionals and when he came back it was very much like.
Hello, I am presenting you with the new me and I would like you to notice oh so interesting.
31:51
A lot of women I hear from in situations like that, the guy comes back around but nothing’s changed.
He’s done zero work on himself.
He still has the same issues he had.
He just got lonely and wanted to fill a void or he’s bored and wants to come back around.
So very interesting.
So he actually had done the work and made some major changes it sounds like.
32:10
Well, he had.
And also, he never wanted to say to me, I want you back.
So I did not chase him in any way.
He called me to apologize for everything.
So he left me in October.
The next year in July, he called me and he just poured out an apology.
32:32
But he did not have any other things that he wanted to say.
And I was listening for it because I can’t help it.
I’m absolutely in love with him.
And continued to be in love with him the whole time he was gone.
And I was thrilled to hear from him and kept it to myself.
I also did not jump on him like he was the last piece of candy or something.
32:52
I was like, oh hello, you’re here.
I just listened to his apology.
We had a good catch up talk and then I didn’t hear him for months after that.
Yeah, so it was then it was October when I heard from him again.
He did something little.
And I was like, OK, you’re back there doing things and I’m dating at this point.
33:10
I’m still out there.
And I got out there not long after he’d done me.
So you weren’t just sitting around waiting for him, hoping he would call?
God, no.
If I did that, I would be dead.
I mean, right?
The slow mover.
So.
I just kept on.
33:25
But I was like, oh, interesting, you’re still out there.
Oh, now I know for sure, ’cause right when he dumped me, I was like, well, maybe I’m wrong about this, but I don’t think I am.
And I’ve done this enough to know when the man really likes you, when he’s in love with you.
And so I was just like, well, all right, he’s doing what he’s doing.
33:41
So there was no, oh, I’d like to tell you these dramatic things about my standards.
You can’t dump me.
Apparently you can dump me ’cause I’m willing to answer the phone afterwards.
The reality is, yeah, I do still want to talk to him.
Yeah, I still do love him.
So at that point he can go date whoever he wants.
33:57
I’m unforgettable, I know it because he’s done the things.
But if I had leaned in and started chasing him or trying to find out why he wanted X&Y or why he was there, I just don’t think it would be the same.
Maybe it would, but there wasn’t enough investment at that point for me to be even interested in it in the same way.
34:18
Yeah, I love the man.
But I don’t love the behavior.
I don’t love what has happened here.
Now.
This is a difference between women that I coach sometimes and my mindset here, and I want to point it out.
I did not think to myself, how can I make him change his mind about the breakup at that point?
34:37
Because that’s ridiculous.
I don’t want him to change his mind about the breakup.
If he really wants the breakup, I don’t want him to.
Do something that he really doesn’t want to do because he won’t come over here, because he’s trying to change something about the relationship.
He’ll come over here because he misses me and he really likes my company.
34:55
That’s not breakable.
In my experience.
If you treat a man the right way with respect and just let him be himself, he will keep coming around.
You will not leave his mind if he really loves you.
So I’m not looking at it from a place of laugh.
I need him to do X&Y in order for me to be validated.
35:13
I enjoy the human when he’s around, and when he’s not around I miss him.
But I do not get all worked up about what his behavior means, because if I did that it would be miserable because he is a slow mover and he was very methodical and I’m not those things usually so.
35:34
Anyway, he eventually started seeing me more and started doing the things, and that takes place on the man’s timetable.
If you want a masculine man, if you want a man who you will know that he wants you, you must let him do it on his own timetable.
35:52
So that isn’t, in my opinion, as much about standards as it is about sort of letting him be him.
If his standard is that he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t want you and also wants to date 12 other women, then I don’t know that you can go do that yourself or you cannot enjoy his company.
36:13
It isn’t so much about you at that point, but I I didn’t have any heavy conversations with him until much later.
The one that you’re asking about and I the reason I even went into the story.
So just to bring it all back around is I’m not afraid of him going away.
36:29
Because I’ve experienced it before, I know I can live through it.
It wasn’t a happy time, but I know I can definitely handle it.
And this most recent time was probably, I want to say like 8 months ago.
I was really just not feeling the affection like you’re just doing a routine and also your life is one too and.
36:50
What sort of spurred me to have the conversation was I just want it to be exciting.
Like I want to feel wanted and cherished and loved, and you seem like you are just sort of going through the motions.
37:05
I’m not really sure what’s happening, but you’ve been kind of quiet and withdrawn.
And usually knowing him when he’s very withdrawn, he’s got something on his mind or he’s kind of going through something.
So I just said to him, you know, I don’t see our relationship being like this, and I don’t see my life being like this in relationship either.
37:29
But if you do, I don’t want to get in the way of that.
I don’t wanna be thinking that this is a possibility when it really isn’t.
So what do you think about that?
And this was a heart wrenching conversation.
It sounds very clinical now because I’m all cool about it.
But at the time I wrote out a script like this does not feel good.
37:48
Basically you have every right to X&Y to do relationship like this, but I am not feeling cherished, courted or appreciated.
So what do you think about more of that or that in general?
That’s the script for it.
So it’s a pretty simple structure, but it works really well because the feeling portion is key when you’re speaking to the man.
38:09
So the feeling portion like it feels a certain way that we don’t have this connection.
This isn’t something I want.
Is important because if you just say you called me four times last week, I want 7 and what is up with you?
38:25
They will say, well, I called you four times because that’s how many times I called and you’ll just be frustrated.
It’s the feeling that’s important.
I want this to feel different.
I don’t enjoy what’s happening, but I honor your right to do it however you do it.
38:43
And he opened up and explained that he was trying to work on some mental health things.
He’s working with a doctor and seeing somebody.
And that’s kind of like, for both of us, a lifelong struggle with mental health.
So I can respect that he’s doing something about it.
38:58
But I was kind of like, well, OK, you’ve been working on the mental health.
What if that’s not what it is?
And he was kind of like, oh.
And then he got after it.
But I was ready to leave him.
I will not have that conversation unless I’m not.
But I was clear.
I wanted to be with you.
39:14
I want this relationship with you.
But if it’s not something we can have, then let’s save each other.
The pain itself, you handled that so masterfully.
I just have to say both of those situations.
I can just tell by all these things you’re saying that you really understand the mind of a man so well the way you didn’t just jump right back into the relationship or even bring up like, OK, So what does this mean for our relationship?
39:40
Are we getting back together?
And the way you brought up that conversation, it was just perfect.
I think that’s going to be so helpful for so many people out there.
I believe you might have a course on Understanding Men.
Is that still available?
Yes, I do, yes.
And that is absolutely still available.
39:56
OK, great.
I’ll include that as well.
I’m also definitely going to include a link to private coaching because I just can’t tell you how many women I hear from who were in situations just like you described.
A man comes back and she still wants to be with him.
She’s still in love with him or really invested in the relationship they had created previous.
40:14
Honestly, and doesn’t know what to do.
And I also hear from a lot of women who are with men who have mental health struggles or they do themselves.
I’ve talked about my own struggles with that over the years off and on, and I can just see how this information would be so helpful to so many people out there.
40:31
I wish we had all day because there’s just so many different situations that we could talk about here.
This was just phenomenal.
Thank you so much for sharing that.
I know it can be hard to share personal things like that, but I think that was a really powerful story.
Oh, you’re absolutely welcome.
And that is high praise coming from you, by the way.
40:48
I took that compliment in and I will treasure it and take it with me because I did not come out knowing how to treat a man.
It took a lot to get to the point where I could say those things the right way, with the right mindset and mean them in the way that is most helpful and most honoring of both me and him.
41:10
And I got coaching too.
That’s the other thing is after my divorce, I got coaching with Homer McDonald, who had saved relationships for 60 years up at that point.
And so I know what to say to save a relationship.
I know how to do it and I know what the mechanics of it are, but most people do not.
41:28
And we don’t learn that.
That’s absolutely a specialized skill, how to reconnect the relationship.
So it’s not easy, but there is so much valuing of self.
That it takes in order to do it properly, that it really can use a team.
I have friends that I call now who I just appreciate so much for being there for that process.
41:49
Because people would say to me while you’re waiting for him.
And I was like, actually I’m not waiting because I’m out there dating.
I miss him.
But I’ve never found any way to not miss somebody that you really miss.
I wish I could bottle it and then sell it.
42:04
I’d be a billionaire.
Absolutely.
What happened?
I’m very curious, like, after having that conversation with him, this second one you’re referring to, I’d love to hear what changes were made or not made.
I actually have no idea.
So I’d love to hear the.
Outcome of that, Sure.
42:20
Well, things are going much better, for lack of a better.
There’s no dramatic.
I didn’t want him to do something like propose or move in or something.
I just wanted it to be.
Sweet and good and flirty and affectionate.
42:36
And just to explain this particular man, it takes thought for him to be affectionate.
He didn’t come from a family where they were ever affectionate or like said those words, but what he does is acts of service.
So he’s like the person that you could call in the middle of the night, like?
42:55
He got me 100 piece tool set when I moved into this house.
Like I’m gonna be the one using it.
Not right.
I mean, I certainly can do a few things around the house, but it wasn’t for me, right?
But it is for me.
He just changed his orientation a bit and started trying and being more intentional about things.
43:17
So he has made more of an effort to come over and kiss me or do a little cuddle while you’re passing each other in the kitchen or make plans for things.
He does not enjoy making plans because they don’t tend to work out the way he wants.
So he had just, like, put a moratorium on all plans and then was just letting me try to figure out when we were going to do something.
43:38
And I was kind of, like, not thrilled with that.
Recently we came back from 10 days in the mountains at his family’s cabin, and we would wake up in the morning and he very much wanted to know what I wanted to do or what my day was going to look like, and then would do things to try to make that work.
43:55
So it would be like.
Oh, well, if you want this, we should go get this thing you like to eat.
Or, you know, you said you want a cinnamon roll, so we should find one just much more intentionality toward me, which is exactly what I wanted.
That was the result I was looking for.
Yeah, I know.
In our last episode too, you said it’s normal for me to get a good morning text every morning.
44:14
That says nice things to me.
And I love that you said that too, because I know a lot of women are with men who are not that affectionate as well.
Doesn’t it come naturally for most men, I think.
No, and it doesn’t for mine.
I mean, he schedules that message, but I don’t care that he schedules it.
44:33
I think it’s adorable that it’s scheduled and that it didn’t start out that way.
So if you’re with somebody that’s just not on his own, very affectionate look for what it is that he is doing.
Look for the signs that he really does care rather than the ones that you are insecure about or wonder if he doesn’t.
44:53
I know it’s under there, and he’s also a very anxious human, so he’s afraid to not please me as well, which took me a really long time to sort of understand about him, is that he has so much mental energy that goes on about everything that he will overthink and then just not do the stuff while thinking he’s doing it.
45:13
So it is fascinating to me how many women think that men don’t have feelings or that they don’t have a big emotional environment, because they absolutely do.
If you if ever seen a man get angry, you know he gets emotional.
But there’s a big difference between not caring about you or wanting it and then being preoccupied or caught up or just being human and not putting the attention in.
45:36
So a lot of appreciation also goes into my relationship.
Or I try to mention how much things mean to me, even though he’s just not going to say those things.
And that’s just not him.
He will say things, but he does not say, oh, I appreciate so much that you brought me this coffee.
45:53
He’s just not going to like he’s not me.
So he does not love the same way I love, and I think that’s just so common with so many couples out there.
But like we talked about at the beginning of this episode or somewhere throughout it, I remember you said something like don’t make it mean something that it doesn’t mean like, well, if he really cared about me, he would express words of appreciation.
46:14
When that’s not his love language, he’s acts of service, which I think a lot of men are.
So this was so great.
We are over on time, it just flew by.
There’s so much more we could talk about here.
Is there anything else you want to say on this topic or do you want to recap this at all?
I know we talked about so many amazing things today.
46:32
Sure, Yeah.
I’d be happy to recap so.
In general, your standards are invisible until they’re being trampled on.
So if it doesn’t feel right to you, and it doesn’t feel right for a consistent period of time, then it’s time to think about doing something instead of just either pulling away or not valuing the relationship enough to give it a shot.
46:52
If you valued it enough to do it, you might as well value it enough to have a conversation with him and talk to him about the way he sees things, the way that he wants things to be for himself.
And then if you’re actually in it and it isn’t good, you need to be ready to leave if things do not change.
47:12
And you don’t have to actually leave or threaten to leave or give an ultimatum or anything like that.
But the idea that you will honor yourself above all others is key in relationship, at least in my experience, like.
Not in a spoiled brat sort of way, but in a real I come first and then you come as a close second.
47:33
And we can have a nice life like that.
But if I make you first and then I wonder why you don’t make me first, we’re going to have a really hard time.
So honoring that the man is where he’s at, and you have to decide whether you’re going to reject, accept, or tolerate his behavior.
47:50
Tolerating is the most painful and difficult way to live your life because you will go back and forth and you will feel like hell doing it.
But if you’re like, well, you know what I accepted?
He throws the socks on the bed.
Or that he is not verbal in affection, or that he’s just not ever going to say I love you every single morning.
48:10
He’s not going to do that, but he will absolutely show up in the middle of the night and be your rock.
Then you have to realize you’re not dating you.
But the difference is what makes it fun anyway.
I don’t think dating me would be fun because I wouldn’t get to know somebody.
48:30
So that is my recap.
It’s just about putting yourself 1st and then just continuing to do that every single day.
So great.
And that will get you very far in all areas of life, not just dating, in relationships, right?
I love what you said to accept it or reject it.
48:46
Don’t tolerate something because you’re afraid of losing a guy or you don’t think something better is out there for you, either in this relationship or with somebody else who might be a better match for you.
I love it.
Something I’ve been saying for years and years.
Accept it or reject it.
And tolerating something is one of the worst things you can do.
49:03
It just destroys your vibe and your energy and really your relationship because you start to get passive aggressive just like you said.
So this was amazing.
I could just talk to you forever about this.
I’m going to include links to your free master class, your Love Magnet meditation, your Understanding Men course, and your private Coaching link.
49:23
If you’re still offering private coaching, all of that will be in the show notes, so just Scroll down.
If you’re listening on Spotify, you might have to click See More and that’ll open up the show notes or the description and all of the information will be in there.
Is there anything else you want to say before we close out today?
49:40
I just appreciate this time with you so much.
I just enjoy your light and that you come and share and are so consistent and.
Just such a great resource for women.
You’re just a wonderful teacher, so thank you for having me.
You’re very welcome anytime.
I would love to bring you back on my podcast sometime.
49:57
This was just such valuable information.
I know it’s going to resonate with so many people out there.
So thanks again and thank you for listening.
Everyone.
Make sure you’re following my podcast.
Click the follow button on my podcast homepage so you don’t miss any of my new episodes.
I have new episodes coming out every single week.
And I will talk to you again very soon.
50:15
Thanks again, Elizabeth.
This was great.
Thank you.
The biggest mistake women make when a man is hot and cold, acting distant or pulling away is something called a connection barrier, and it only pushes him further away.
50:35
If you’d like to read about what a connection barrier is so you don’t accidentally make it go to forever1234.com again, that’s forever1234.com com Umm.